OT: Slob

[tulip]

The trash/giving to charity idea is great, but you have to actually do it, maybe several times. You can't just say you'll do it and then not follow through.

If that doesn't work, then I'd have to agree that there's more to it than simple differences in housekeeping habits. It's a respect thing, and may well have deeper roots. You're the psychology scholar, so I'll let you deal with the fall out from that!

[Eaglewalker]

One problem may be that you are using the word "help" to describe the BF's potential involvement in housekeeping. It's not a matter of him "helping" you with "your work", it's a matter of him understanding that half of the housework belongs to him by right.

Determine which places in the house are shared; let him have a place in which to be a slob. Don't touch that place. Also, if you have two bathrooms -- one for each of you -- then YOU must have the bathroom that guests also use. You will keep that one clean, and he will bathe in squalor. When he gets disgusted enough, he will clean it. (Women always screw up on this one. "Why do you clean his bathroom and then get mad about it?" "Because it's the one that the guests use." Trade!)

Follow through on all threats. In other words, if you say you are going to pitch anything left around, pitch it.

I have three brothers, and I was the household maid. I have no sympathy for women who wuss out in this area, and then complain. We must be tough! I did not clean my brothers' rooms. I did do the laundry, and the rule was, what is in the hamper gets washed; what's on the floor gets ignored. Personal stuff left in the common area (i.e., living room) gets THROWN into the personal bedroom, regardless of how it might fall or what it might hit.

For the common space, make some ground rules and stick to them, but -- and this is very important -- make sure you give him his own space in which to be as foul as he likes.

[SadieKate]

During one year of college I shared a house with my brother. He would leave the kitchen and bathroom a mess. When we had an argument about it, he pointed out that he did his own laundry. I pointed out that he didn't get credit for cleaning his own dirt no matter where it was. You only get credit for cleaning someone else's dirt.

My husband likes to say (and bless his heart for it) that we have an equal opportunity marriage. Equal opportunity to iron our own clothes, polish our own shoes, do the laundry, etc.

[Deanna]

I've actually threatened to throw his stuff out. I also threatened to pile it in his car because that's his pride and joy But I've never done it. I think today I'll put all of it in bags and stash it somewhere. He needs to attend the "how to look for stuff" class so he'll never find it

Piling works for me. We share the cars, so I don't put them there, but I leave them at the end of the table he eats at or on top of his dresser. Eventually he'll go through it and deal with everything (usually when he needs to find something). In the meantime, if companies coming over it's easy to pick up a pile and put it in a grocery bag or two.

[bcipam]

I always think its interesting that people move in together than one party begins complaining about the other and wants to change them. He is what he is just as you are what you are. The whole purpose of dating is to get to know someone, good habits and bad, and decide then if this is the person worth spending your life with. If his slobbiness is a deal breaker for you then you both need to move on because there is no changing him.

My suggestion, if to you he is worth keeping, then just get into the habit of picking up after him and doing the cleaning. Unfair, yes, but this is what you chose. Accept it or move on.

Suggestion: read Dr. Laura's book "Care and Feeding of Husbands". Assigning chores, you know will do nothing. Treating him like a little boy (which obviously he likes and acts that way), and being his mommy and telling him what to do will get old fast. Move on, find an adult male, know what you want and make sure he meets that criteria before moving in with him. It's not worth the nagging and anger every day 'cause he is really not what you want.

PS: Since you started out as roommates you should have known beforehand he was a slob. So why complain about it now???

[carimail]

Why don't you make him a really cute little chore chart with stickers? If he complains that it's immature, well...?

Good luck!

[bcipam]

Oh yeah... treat him like he's 8... that'll teach him!

[Hell-uv-a-job]

My husbands pour all the trash from his drawers and car into a trash bag and tells me he will take care of it later. One day I looked into one of the closets and found 3 full bags of papers and "things" for lack of a better word. I asked him nicely to clean it several times until I dumped the 3 full bags (which happened to have a few important documents). He got the point although I must confess I think I went a little bit too far on that one but had fun in the process .
The trash bag method do work only if you DO DISPOSE of what needs to be put away. Putting things in bags and place it somewhere is like cleaning his stuff. It won't do a thing. Let him miss his favorite shirt and when he ask you where it is tell him you trashed it cause he did not put it away . He won't be happy but hey... he was warned.

[Deanna]

Whenever you start getting angry about doing "his work" you should also consider the things he does for you and puts up with. Partnership is really a give and take and this is really apparent when it comes to chores. I can't remember the last time I had to do any work in OUR yard, and yet DH doesn't complain to mother nature when she scatters leaves all over the place, even hours after he raked up her last mess, so I pile up his papers and clothes so he knows where to look. I was also the one who really wanted a dog, yet he patiently cleans up after him whenever he needs to mow the lawn. He puts up with my apparent mental block against closing things all the way and I help his drink cans make it all the way to the recycle bin.

[yellow]

Good point Deanna! I regularly thank my DH for "putting up with me". And he usually responds with "Well, thanks for putting up with me too."

Relationships have so many hurdles, and good times come a go and come and go. Maybe this is one of those "go" times. I think many others have given you lots to consider in this thread. Hang in there and know that this is really only a fraction of your time together. Focus on why you love him in the first place. Those negative emotions take so much out of us and are so easy to focus on because of that. Whatever the outcome, focus on the good!

[bcipam]

Deanna and Yellow - WORD!!!

That's it in a nutshell - it's a give and take, so pick up the guys dirty undies... I have to assume he does do good things for you or puts what with your nonsense at times otherwise why would you stay with him?

And I don't agree with the throw stuff away thing. What if he did that to you? Would piss you off wouldn't it? It's a matter of leading by example. So put hampers and trash cans in every room and use them yourself. If he doesn't then at last it's close by for you to put away his stuff. Life is too short to be pissed about something so insignificant.

[nuthatch]

I know you've already got all the feedback you need, but....

My slobs really respond to written lists. And, yes, when you are stressed out, all you really want is to come home to some order and feel like home is a place of calm control.

I like Katherine Hepburn's idea that men and women were never meant to live together, just to visit each other! My sister has one room in the house he's not allowed to enter (like Bluebeard's closet) and that's her sanity room.

[Pax]

I always think its interesting that people move in together than one party begins complaining about the other and wants to change them. He is what he is just as you are what you are. The whole purpose of dating is to get to know someone, good habits and bad, and decide then if this is the person worth spending your life with. If his slobbiness is a deal breaker for you then you both need to move on because there is no changing him.

My suggestion, if to you he is worth keeping, then just get into the habit of picking up after him and doing the cleaning. Unfair, yes, but this is what you chose. Accept it or move on.

Suggestion: read Dr. Laura's book "Care and Feeding of Husbands". Assigning chores, you know will do nothing. Treating him like a little boy (which obviously he likes and acts that way), and being his mommy and telling him what to do will get old fast. Move on, find an adult male, know what you want and make sure he meets that criteria before moving in with him. It's not worth the nagging and anger every day 'cause he is really not what you want.

PS: Since you started out as roommates you should have known beforehand he was a slob. So why complain about it now???

Wow, way to be helpful there bcipam. Let's see, it's her fault for expecting him to grow into the roll of an adult companion (notice I said "grow" like most adults are apt to do) and adapt to life with a partner. Then suggest she just kick him to the curb OR pick up after him because he's not going to change. Oh and shame on her for "complaining" about it here where she just came to vent a little among other women.

[carimail]

Somehow Dr. Laura forgot to read her own book!

One must weigh the bad and the good and see if the good outweighs the bad. Sometimes the way to deal with it is to vent to ones friends (physical or cyber) and get it all off of one's chest before being able to step back and see what the problem is, how bad it really is and what would really be helpful in the situation. That's what women do for each other.
If my bestfriend took all of my husband-bashing to heart, she would be hiring an attorney for me!

[margo49]

Following on from Sydney B...

if you're going to delegate/share you can't in all fairness then turn round and criticise the way it's been done. So you will have to accept that the job has been done even if you're less than happy with the result. (Within reason) And you can always give instructions beforehand or for next time (always make it clear your instruction is for "next time" and not going to be construed as a criticism of "this time" )

Most of the time tho' these things are about being over-tired oneself or feeling under-appreciated (which is usually just needing to hear it *said* in actual specific words rather than what SO and kids *actually* think of you )

This and the Lance and Sheryl Split thread have given me a few things to be thankful about...