Bad husband! No nookie!

[Selkie]

Marriage is such hard work.... sigh.

Limewave, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I don't know what to tell you but I'm sending you lots of hugs.

I think Tulip is a smart cookie about the need for clear communication in relationships. DH and I just hit the 21 years of marriage mark last weekend---the road hasn't always been smooth but it has given both of us ample opportunity to grow and become better people/partners. Recognizing that you cannot and will not change someone is the key. Can you live with what the things you want to change or can you learn to accept them?

[Wahine]

Not that I'm an expert or anything but I do want to share a bit of my experience because I think it relates directly to these issues.

I was with my husband as a couple for 17 years. 9 cohabitating and 8 married. I left him September last year. What I've learned since I've left is that I did not express my needs or wants clearly with him. I would tell him something, he would blow it off and since I have always believed that the only persons behaviour you can change is your own, I modified my behaviour and would never express to him how his behaviour affected me. In my mind, I couldn't change him and I shouldn't expect him to. He is what he is. Eventually I had to leave because I couldn't live with him with things the way they were.

Since we have separated, he has told me so many times that he is so disappointed that I did not communicate what was bothering me well enough to give him a chance to realize how dire things were and to give him a chance to change.

I don't regret my decision. I think there were a lot of reasons that our marriage was not meant to last, though it was very good for many years. But I have learned that expressing exactly what it is that you need or want is very important. I am generalizing but I have to say that I think that men tend not to be as intuitive as women are and simply will not "get it" unless you spell it out very clearly. That means asking for what you want AND when things like this are going on, telling them how that made you feel and what your expectations were. And give the guy a chance to change. Maybe you have to remind him periodically... but don't we all need reminders about some things?

My new BF has told me to NEVER assume that he has any idea what I want or need and that he'd much rather me tell him clearly so that he can be the best he can be for me. I think that's a pretty good policy.

[Selkie]

..... Recognizing that you cannot and will not change someone is the key. Can you live with what the things you want to change or can you learn to accept them?

I didn't clearly articulate what I meant: you can't MAKE someone change. Therefore, sometimes you either have to accept the behavior or move on.

Both my husband and I have changed a good deal since we met. We have been fortunate that we've grown together and have not had any insurmountable differences. Basic respect for each other is the key and of course, trying to live by the golden rule.

[smilingcat]

Tucker,

wish you a speedy recovery. Also sounds like you need to be doing more stretching.

Limewave,

Ohhh I didn't read the last part. Are you close to your family member like a sister or parents? Get away from your place and hang out with them for a while? Devastating is an understatement.

We are here for you. If you need to vent or to talk or talk to someone who has gone through similar experience, just let us know.

sincerely,

[shootingstar]

Something's in the air . . .

I feel your pain. My DH has been sleeping on the couch for a week. I found out last week that he's been keeping something (something hurtful) from me for almost our entire marriage! How could I be so stupid?

Then he starts apologizing left and right, says he's trying to change, be a better husband to me but he needs my help . . . an I start to soften.

And that DAY he goes and buys himself an obscenely expensive diesel engine truck that he KNEW I was adamantly against buying! We don't NEED it. We can't AFFORD it. We only had two years left to pay on our old truck and I said we could look at new one's then . . . But he had to sell it now, and we took a $5000 loss on it. SERIOUSLY. We are in the worst recession in a 100 years, we have no savings, we are struggling to pay our bills--and he thinks the best decision for our family is to completely max out our credit? Dumb*ss.

And once again he starts apologizing, says he knows he screwed up, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, it's really easy to say that after he's already gotten what he wants.

I'm with you on the inconsiderateness. I don't really want to start a husband bashing thread. But I feel crushed. Demolished.

I gave DH back my wedding ring. And to top it off . . . I think I'm pg again.

sounds like whatever hurt you which also later, precipitated his rash, childish act of a new truck and putting one further in debt (It is when you both have 2 children, +3 on the way.), is a serious touchy point.

Like tulip said...both need a counsellor soon. This is highly stressful.

[beccaB]

Something's in the air . . .

I feel your pain. My DH has been sleeping on the couch for a week. I found out last week that he's been keeping something (something hurtful) from me for almost our entire marriage! How could I be so stupid?

Then he starts apologizing left and right, says he's trying to change, be a better husband to me but he needs my help . . . an I start to soften.

And that DAY he goes and buys himself an obscenely expensive diesel engine truck that he KNEW I was adamantly against buying! We don't NEED it. We can't AFFORD it. We only had two years left to pay on our old truck and I said we could look at new one's then . . . But he had to sell it now, and we took a $5000 loss on it. SERIOUSLY. We are in the worst recession in a 100 years, we have no savings, we are struggling to pay our bills--and he thinks the best decision for our family is to completely max out our credit? Dumb*ss.

And once again he starts apologizing, says he knows he screwed up, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, it's really easy to say that after he's already gotten what he wants.

I'm with you on the inconsiderateness. I don't really want to start a husband bashing thread. But I feel crushed. Demolished.

I gave DH back my wedding ring. And to top it off . . . I think I'm pg again.

It must be a Michigan thing. Everyone is depressed.

[ClockworkOrange]

Hey guys, things are no different the other side of the world!

I so wish I could come up with some sensible answers but I cannot, although many people have written some good stuff on here.

My heart really does go out to you, Tuckerville, Limewave and Channnlluv.

I was married for 18 years and had similar problems and if I had that time over again, I am not so sure I would know how to do things any differently!

Just take good care of yourselves and perhaps try and talk about everything together.

Hugs

Clock