Marriage: it isn't all roses and rainbows

[Mr. Bloom]

Silver and I have been married nearly 23 years and have been together for nearly 26... There have been some really tough times...but we're still here

Are the feelings of unhappiness with a marriage normal after this many years?

Yep...unfortunately, the marriage often catches the rap for something else...but you're aware of this.

When you hit a certain point in life do you think about what you should've/could've done? Is this an early mid-life crisis?

Yep, but satisfaction is a choice that only you can make. I guarantee that if you take inventory of your life, your blessings exceed your challenges....and if you really focus, I'm guessing that 80% of your marriage is fine...but you're focused on the 20% (normal human tendency...example: take a plain white piece of paper, draw a dot in the middle, and ask 10 friends what they see...most will say the "the small dot"...not the big white piece of paper that's without blemish...hokey, but true...) YOU choose what you focus on...

Do you think I need to talk to a professional, and if so- how do you go about finding one?

Yes, Yes, Yes! No matter what encouragement you get, if you're depressed, that needs treatment. Couples counseling may not be bad either...but Mimi's idea may be a good first step. LOVE IS A DECISION...and MARRIAGE TAKES WORK. We've done counseling and are still doing it...even when things are great.

I feel kinda alone...

(((((TG)))))) You're not... Plus, you are SO FAR ahead of the curve to sense that there are issues...this means you have something to work with. Hang in there.

I will bring up something this week to him: asking him if he's happy or not, but I don't even know how to approach the subject. I don't want to say I'm unhappy and hurt him, because once you say something you can't take it back.

I encourage you to sort out your feelings first...particularly if you don't know why you feel this way and/or how to raise the topic with him

[Miranda]

Well, let's see... my shrink of years past put it to me like this...

"...everyone deserves therapy... it helps you sort out your problems faster, and in turn feel better sooner... who would really want to feel bad any longer than they had to?".

Like posted, if you don't like one shrink, try another one. The lady I saw last was also a cyclist... she would work out her problems, and mine (along with other clients), on her rides sometimes (it was kinda like she was meant for me).

Some of these ways to find a shrink have been mentioned, but here's my ideas...
1) call work insurance, do you have mental health coverage
2) if no insurance, does your employer offer an EAP plan (employee assistance plan), usually free mental health help regardless of regular benefit status
3) sliding scale mental health clinics
4) colleges/universities psych study departments will have students studying to be shrinks that need patients... their cases are overseen by a real shrink/teacher... and is totally confidential... free last I knew
5) church clergy (even if you don't belong/attend regularly, they are typically willing to help... or guide you to someone that can)
6) ask your medical doctor

OK, on the thoughts of killing yourself. Well, the shrink said that it's not so much we want to end life... but are "stuck" and know no other way out. She herself as a professional even had these thoughts before.

My resolve was always one of two things...
1) if you have any belief in some type of after-life, or the concept of Hell, then I figured killing myself would do nothing but eternalize the BS I was already living... which t'aint no better... sooo, might as well stick it out with some chance of hope
2) journal/list those people and things that your life touches... who would it affect if you were gone... who would miss you? You would really really really be surprised if you thought about it, how long that list can be. Would even people here on TE who you have never met in real life wonder, Hmmm... where's that Tri Girl chick been lately? ...haven't seen any posts from her in a while??? You betcha baby.

Lastly... my endorphine happy rush from pedaling is the best RX ever... it makes me become a "glass half full" person, from a "glass half empty" person--FWIW.

(((hugs)))
Miranda

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

The more a couple avoids talking together and doing things together (can be anything, really), the worse it gets. And TV can be a deadly communication killer.
Couple's counseling sounds like a good idea here. If not that, then individual counseling at least.

[Tri Girl]

I'm sitting here in tears because I feel all the love... so much of it. I thank you all so much for all your stories and pieces of advice. Tonight I feel much better about things. Tomorrow may be another story. I will seek professional help for sure. A good friend's parents are therapists and I will ask them for recommendations. After re-reading my post, I think I may have been a little dramatic about the highway pylon thing. I don't think I'm suicidal (just wandering thoughts, albeit very morbid and unhealthy ones).
I just feel empty inside and don't know why... it's very scary to me.

After reading what you all wrote, I know that I love my husband very much and would really hate life without him. I just need to learn how to be the free spirit/nomad that I am while being married to the safe/security-minded person he is. He's a good man, I think it's just a bump (from reading what you all have said about ups and downs). Many of you have said that sadness/depression can make even the smallest problems seem like a mountainous one. I think that may be the problem. I'm not remembering all the good things, just the little ones that I'm amplifying. Yes, my job is definitely a HUGE stressor this year. It's making my life miserable, but it will pass. I just need to learn how to cope better with things.

I'm going to call some counselors tomorrow. He worked late so we won't talk tonight, but I'll sit down with him tomorrow night and tell him that I'm sad and I need help. Maybe it'll make him feel better, too. Someone said that maybe he feels empty and lost, too. We're both just terrible communicators, so discussions about real heavy things are uncomfortable at best, but in this case are very needed.

Thank you all again, from the very bottom of my heart. I have 5 sisters and 2 mothers, but I don't talk to any of them. It helps to have sisters (and a brother) here on the web. I appreciate you all more than you can ever know. Thank you for being my support system. You've helped set me in the right direction and let me know I'm not alone. Hugs! You have really helped me and I am grateful. Thank you.

[Irulan]

hugs back at ya. I don't get verklempt here at TE too much but that did it for me.