to funeral or not to funeral?

[TsPoet]

I've always felt funerals were for the living, or at least that's been my excuse not to go.
A good friend from work died very unexpectedly Monday. The autopsy results have not been released, but almost had to be a heart attach, she was 52.
This woman was well known at work, always smiling and laughing and just one of those people that everyone loved. We were also friends outside work, going to an occasional dinner, taking an art class together, that sort of thing. Driving by the Castle Superstore on Monday I had to pull over from a memory that had me laughing and crying.
I don't want to go to her funeral tomorrow, but a couple of people have told me that my omission will be noticed and not looked upon kindly. I've never met her 2 grown sons, her sister, or her father. So, the only folks that will notice/care about me not being there are coworkers.
I don't feel the need for a funeral for myself. I'd rather go back to the Castle store parkinglot and laugh/cry.
Would you go?

[Pedal Wench]

No one wants to go to funerals. I always feel that it's best to live my life without regrets. If you'll ever regret not going to pay your respects, then you should go. Perhaps share the Castle Superstore story with her family. They might like knowing that she has a friend like you.

Then go have a laugh/cry afterwards.

But, that's just me.

[SouthernBelle]

Go at least to visitation if not the funeral. The funeral is not for her nor is it for you. It's for her family. Even though it doesn't seem so at the time, they will know of every person who came by. You don't have to stay long. Just put in an appearance.

[Aggie_Ama]

Good advice already given and I say go.

My father was hurt that he has worked for the same office for 13 years (now 18) and only one person came to his father's funeral or visitation. His father once repaired equipment for the office, my dad is an only child and it was known how close he was to his dad amongst his office. The only person who came considers my family friends, not co-workers. The funeral was less than 20 minutes from the office. So yes, you co-workers are right and yes people take count whether they should or not.

I think it would be respectful to go to the visitation or funeral whether you want to or not. I went to my SIL's mother's funeral as a sign of support and respect. I had only met the woman once but I felt it was right. It is customary in Texas to do such a thing and that is how I was raised.

I do not want a funeral myself. I want a big party. My own opinion is funerals are stuffy and cold, for the family. But I go to many because that is how us southern kiddos are raised.

[Cataboo]

When my father had cancer & eventually died - there were 2 co-workers that came over to visit him when he was going through chemo, and those were the 2 that came to visit the family during the first visitation day. I know one of them became absolutely furious, and went in the next day and gave a bunch of people hell... And several co-workers showed up the next night.

While I don't know that I wanted anyone guilt tripped into showing up - it was nice to hear a lot of stories about my father in an environment I'd never seen him in and it was appreciated.

[melissam]

Tspoet,

Please accept my condolences for the loss of your coworker and friend.

My mom's identical twin died in a car accident when she was 33. Since then, my mom has gone to every funeral/memorial service she has been invited to. I finally asked her why, and she said that she does it because it meant so much to her that people showed up for her sister's funeral all those years ago. Needless to say, since hearing this, I now go to every funeral/memorial service that I'm invited to. After all, if my presence can give the grieving family even a little bit of comfort, who am I to deny them of it?

- Melissa

[badger]

there was a discussion recently on Dear Abby of all places. It was written by a man who was losing his wife to cancer. They have 3 kids, and one of them, a teenage boy, did not want to go to her funeral (this is when she was still alive). He wanted to remember her as she was alive, not having a big memory of what happened when she died.

The discussion surrounded with people saying that everyone grieves differently, and if he did not want to go, then he shouldn't be forced to go. It bounced around from both sides. Then a few months later, there was an update, saying that the wife had passed away, and the son eventually decided to attend, and that he was glad he did.

[spindizzy]

I also think you should go.

Not because your not being there would be "noticed," but because you honour her memory by being there. If you could share that moment that made you laugh/cry with the family - I'm sure it would mean the world to them. They would see her through your eyes. I love to share stories - they offer such a unique perspective..

my thoughts...

[TsPoet]

wow, thanks to everyone. And thanks for the quick answers.
I will definitely go. In fact, I've arranged to carpool with someone else from work who is going - so I can't forget or come up with an excuse.
based on your input I have a different attitude and if it's possible to "happily" go to a funeral, that's what I'll be doing. It doesn't seem like a chore anymore, but rather something positive to do with my day tomorrow.

thank you.

[Fredwina]

Reminds me when my Dad died, and my nephews wanted to mourn instead being the pallbarers. Mom told them that it was the last thing they could ever do for Grandpa.
And going to the funeral is the last thing you'll ever do for your coworker - Yes, I know you want to curl up and cry - I had a coworker die in January - but I think being with folks and reliving what she meant to will, in the long run, prove more benefical than mouring by yourself.