Cycling couple-nutso communication

[KnottedYet]

If you are upset with him and his "nutso communication", you need to talk to him.

If you don't let him know it upsets you, he just won't know. And he'll do it again.

Sweeties never seem to be able to read our minds as well as we think they should.

[farrellcollie]

I don't usually discuss my bike purchases with my partner - but she doesn't bike much and we keep separate accounts and share one so as long as it is not out of the joint account - I don't really think to tell her and I don't ask what she does with hers. I would probably buy a car without telling her too (although she would probably know about the car because I obsess over it).

The trip thing would be different for us for some reason. If I planned a trip and did not tell her - she would be really pissed. If she did it, I would just be surprised (more because of the lack of info - I actually like it when she travels without me because I don't particularly like to do it and she does so I don't like holding her back but I don't want to have to do it).

A lot of our friends find ours an oddly independent relationship, but it seems to work for us. A lot of it for me is that I just don't think to tell her things I don't think impact her. It is not so much that I don't want her to know.

It does sound though that in the original situation this was a new and different thing - so I would think talking about it or asking why it had started happening might help.

[chicago]

Geez, we could go deep and long on this topic.

Some facts for people to understand:
*He and I are at different stages in life, but still compatible. He took early retirement several years ago since he was able to retire on company pension for himself. Over the years, I've half-joked that he has enviable consulting and management experience he could parlay on a part-time basis. However I didn't expect he would start up a cycling planning consulting firm. But it is an excellent fit...he advocated for cyclists...on a volunteer basis for many years in Toronto and Vancouver. I do know his biz partners.

*Been living together for past few years. But have been together as a couple for much longer... over last 17 years. It is possible that we've just carried over our separate decision-making parallel lives over from prior-to living together. As a couple, we also have lived through physical long-distance relationship for over 2 years when he lived in Calgary and I in Toronto.

Kath:
You expressed it best that if I never objected about certain things/said anything, then the guy will do some planning on his own. Certainly anything cycling-related, I've never objected.

As for his cycling trips, keep in mind he's taken early retirement several years ago (but recently switching to part-time self-employment) . Since then, he's taken several multi-wk (even multi-month) cycling trips on his own or with another guy. So this Europe trip is actually shorter than some of his other trips.

LBTC: Yes, what I feel is most important vs. what others think. I'm on lunch to be continued..

sounds like you are now defending him... yikes... if you're ever bored, this is a good site to visit.... www.verbalabuse.com. it's not so much about abuse, as it is about women putting their needs second, and third and fourth, etc. Here's hoping you might not need it, but if you do, it's a great place.

[mupedalpusher]

Several years ago, my spouse made a major commitment and I found out at a meeting several weeks later. I was the only person that didn't know and I felt like a total fool. It was obvious to the rest of the group because a couple of them apologized later for mentioning it. Try to talk it out now, otherwise you'll have trouble getting past it (or at least I did). It's not something I would ever do to my spouse and it cut deep when it was done to me. Good luck.

[shootingstar]

Sigh...now I'm a cycling push-over or whatever to this forum.

Groan. Am I putting my needs 2nd, 3rd, 4th rank to his? It doesn't feel like it.. not when I exercise independence over what I've earned after all these years. I'm not that naive. Maybe this explains some degree of independence in certain activities and how some money is spent for each of us vs. our shared areas of financial responsibility. (yea, Grog, this is not totally unrelated. )

yea, we're pretty wierd. Each of us are first-born in birth order within our respective families --the independent types who still love to share life together and are faithful to one another after all these years. No marriage papers could ever guarantee the latter.

The world of Internet strangers at this very moment on this forum feels like the galaxy /constellation ...distant and each person wondering about the other person from far away, not having enough information.

[kat_h]

Does he realize that it bothers you that he did these things without discussing it with you?
Did he deliberately avoid discussing it with you or is he just used to doing his own thing?

Don't answer those here, but answer them for yourself. If your independance mostly works for you then that's the important thing, regardless of whether or not the rest of us think it would work for ourselves. From what I've seen of you on here you're pretty independant too. It wouldn't surprise me if there are things you've done without discussing them with him. I don't think either of you would want to end up feeling like you need the other's permission.

[shootingstar]

Does he realize that it bothers you that he did these things without discussing it with you?
Did he deliberately avoid discussing it with you or is he just used to doing his own thing?

Don't answer those here, but answer them for yourself. If your independance mostly works for you then that's the important thing, regardless of whether or not the rest of us think it would work for ourselves. From what I've seen of you on here you're pretty independant too. It wouldn't surprise me if there are things you've done without discussing them with him. I don't think either of you would want to end up feeling like you need the other's permission.

I will disclose 2 thing of several things I did without discussing it in advance of pros and cons with him...I got interviewed for a job in the Arctic. Yes, I was flown up to there to Baffin Island.

It shocked him...no I didn't get the job, but would have it accepted..for a few years. But I did investigate while up there, that there was only 1 rd. for cycling ...30 kms. long. The rest is tundra or snow, depending on time of year.

I did get interviewed for a job in California..but was unsuccessful...he was more amenable to the idea of visiting/living with me there vs. Arctic! I did post a photo here in another thread of the Arctic husky dogs...at the edge of town up there.

Geez, imagine what type of lives one could have experienced..if I didn't screw up the interviews. Oh well. Vancouver, BC is pretty good, except..for the relentless rain at times.

seriously..folks...MEET your TE forumites in person. They are not exactly who they are on the Internet...they are more than what they appear to be on the Internet.

[kat_h]

I will disclose 2 thing of several things I did without discussing it in advance...I got interviewed for a job in the Arctic. Yes, I was flown up to there to Baffin Island.

That is awesome. I'd love to spend a year or two up north someday.

It sounds like you guys are a good match for each other. All he did was plan a short trip to Europe. You interviewed for a job on Baffin Island.

[OakLeaf]

seriously..folks...MEET your TE forumites in person. They are not exactly who they are on the Internet...they are more than what they appear to be on the Internet.

Well of course that's true.

But it's not exactly fair to post here asking for our feedback, and then get offended when we give it.

[crazycanuck]

From my computer Shootingstar am i correct to say that it seems you're more embarassed then offended?

[Zen]

So I don’t get why I’m not being told until the deed is done.

Surely after all this time together you must be used to this sort of thing.
It sounds to me like you have the kind of relationship I'd like.
You do your thing and I'll do mine and maybe sometimes we'll do our thing together.
What's not to like?

[Irulan]

so you did or did not discuss the arctic and CA interviews before you went? /confused.

[jobob]

Hi gang -

Lest we forget, some past threads in which relationship advice was sought lead to misunderstanding, hurt feelings for the OP or others participating in the thread, and in a very few instances even erupted into a a flame war.

The classic example:
http://forums.teamestrogen.com/showthread.php?t=5129

And a more recent instance:
http://forums.teamestrogen.com/showthread.php?t=22068

Tread cautiously.

[mimitabby]

wow. that was quite a thread! And I never posted on it once!

Shooting star, a lot of us have tried hard to get to meet and get to know other TE'ers. Some relationships have started here.

What you're saying is true, we can't really tell what you are like, but most of us advice givers are very much in earnest, so we pipe in here with advice, which we think you want because you asked for it.

I was sorry to hear you missed out on an opportunity to work in the Arctic.
good luck.

[jobob]

Hee hee, that epic thread was before you joined, Mimi, so you shall be held blameless.


It's a good example of how internet communication can go haywire.