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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Arlington, VA
    Posts
    1,071
    The others have said it well! You aren't alone. I wasted a lot of time trying to please my parents, and I finally realized that they would find fault with me, regardless. My siblings are the same way. So I accepted the fact that they would never change and just tried to ignore the little jabs.

    Anyway, it sounds like you've accomplished a lot! Congratulations and keep focused on your goals. Sounds like you have a HEALTHY attitude about your weight/body, too. Be good to yourself.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    Branford, CT
    Posts
    737
    Echidna, your post made me laugh, especially the Olympic diver remark That's precisely the kind of thing my family would say. And you're right, I think a lot of them have low self-esteem, especially the women. Grandma would alternate between "Look at Annette, I wish I was that skinny," to "You're nothing but bones!" They've all done the yo-yo thing, so maybe they're mad I've actually stuck with it.

    IFjane, I understand the baggage, and I certainly have my own. I think yesterday it finally spilled over and I just had to let it out. I guess when you grow up with that, that type of behavior seems totally normal. It was only in college when I thought things weren't quite right, and in the last few years I've been trying to talk about this stuff more with other people. I used to internalize everything, and well, I stopped walking so clearly that wasn't working

    A big thank you to everyone and congratulations to all of you that have overcome your own hurdles. It's very comforting to be able to turn to people that know exactly what I'm feeling. *Hugs* to all of you!

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Posts
    3,867
    Quote Originally Posted by DirtDiva View Post
    I think this is an important point, and it doesn't mean secrecy and lies and keeping what's really important to you from them at all. All of us have people in our lives (family or not) who just don't and will never get that we ride (or do any number of other things) because it's fun and wonder what point we're trying to prove (Hilary climbed Everest because it was there!). Why waste time explaining things that they aren't interested in understanding? With the cycling, you can talk about how nice it was to get out on the bike after a busy week at work and how beautiful blahblahblah looked in the morning sun and how you saw blahblahblah as you rode past. This is all stuff that shows how much you enjoy being on your bike without telling them the things they can't relate to like how you set a personal best up your local nemesis hill and didn't even feel like puking at the top (you come here and tell us that ).
    Yeah, if they're standing there with a gun pointing at your chest, don't give them any ammo!

    Talk about the weather, talk about the color of the neighbors painted the house, but don't talk about yourself. And, don't participate when they turn on someone else because they can't get a rise out of you!

    Karen

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    Oslo, Norway
    Posts
    4,066
    Oh, and don't get forget that a lot of people (most?) see nothing wrong or hurtful at all in pointing out how thin they think someone is, no matter how negatively they word it. It seems to be legitimate to go on and on about someone being thin(ner) since "we all want to be thin"...
    Winter riding is much less about badassery and much more about bundle-uppery. - malkin

    1995 Kona Cinder Cone commuterFrankenbike/Selle Italia SLR Lady Gel Flow
    2008 white Nakamura Summit Custom mtb/Terry Falcon X
    2000 Schwinn Fastback Comp road bike/Specialized Jett

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Dallas, TX
    Posts
    2,716
    Well, I wouldn't internalize it so much or take it personally... ya know?

    Just take it with a grain of salt and keep in mind what THEY think is healthy... or what looks right... and it's probably someone who is 10-20 pounds overweight.

    Did you know that America is now ranked as the country with the most obese people in it? That means, that what we look at... on a daily basis.. are people who are obese... not healthy and fit. So, we get a mental image of what "normal" people look like... which isn't so normal.

    My family said the same thing when I saw them this Christmas, "Oh, you are so boney". I'm 5'4" and 125 pounds. I'm not too thin. I'm just right. I made sure to point out to them that I have MUSCLE on me and that I am healthy. This isn't a body of skin and bones.. it's a strong, muscular body. Something my Mom has never seen in her lifetime... and my Dad really hasn't been around fit women in his lifetime either.

    Keep in mind too, that for a lot of us.. our parents grew up in a time where gyms were not the norm and neither was working out 4-7 days a week.

    So... anyhoo... it's all about YOU feeling good about YOURSELF and feeling good in your skin... Right? Your family means well, but you just have to shrug them off.
    "Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather, to skid in broadside thoroughly used-up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming: WOW WHAT A RIDE!!!!"

  6. #6
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Posts
    546
    Nono, I second (or third or seventh or whatever number I am) being judicious in what you share with your family, like therapy. It's not being deceitful, it's being smart and honest about what support your family is and isn't capable of giving. I have one parent who is extremely critical, one who takes very little notice of anything, and a brother who treats me like I just blasted in from Pluto. Do we love each other? yes. But I've learned after tons of therapy (and hanging w/people wiser than myself) that it's cruel to all involved to expect people to produce something that's absolutely beyond their ken. My folks aren't bad, though some of the things they've said and done have been really hurtful or even abusive. They're just missing some of the tools in life's toolkit. (I'm sure I am, too.)

    Something else: the healthier you get, the sicker your family might seem. I think this happens for 2 reasons - one, just the comparison of having a healthier mind & body & spirit yourself. two - one member making life changes can make everyone else awfully uncomfortable - feeling inadequate, etc.

    Just keep growing into the delightful healthy person you were born to be!

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Illinois
    Posts
    3,151
    Ohhh.... good points, latelate.
    You can still love 'em, but they'll not be able to see things through the same lenses so what you say is filtered through them.
    This is one of those threads I'll visit when I need perspective ;D

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    Branford, CT
    Posts
    737
    Quote Originally Posted by Geonz View Post
    Ohhh.... good points, latelate.
    You can still love 'em, but they'll not be able to see things through the same lenses so what you say is filtered through them.
    This is one of those threads I'll visit when I need perspective ;D
    Ditto and ditto. And I still love them, and they've definitely come through for me plenty of other times. But sometimes they can be really hurtfull, and that's what I'm trying to learn to understand/ignore. I, too, will keep this thread in mind the next time I need some cheering up (mark it now, the 13th, when I have everyone over for dad's b-day). It's also encouraging to know that despite growing up with the same circumstances, some of you have broken the cycle, and that I'm not necessarily doomed to repeat their mistakes.

    And to answer your question, Brandi, I'm 26 and also the shortest in the family

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Location
    Between the Blue Ridge and the Chesapeake Bay
    Posts
    5,203
    First off, congratulations on everything--your fitness and your discovery of you. If only I'd been so wise at 26!

    From my own experience, I would encourage you, like others have, to seek some counseling. Just ignoring it will not make it any easier, and may result in buried feelings that have to come out somehow somewhere sometime. There is absolutely no need to tell your family about counseling. It's not a shameful thing at all, but a private thing. I mean, you don't tell them about your periods, do you? Think of it like that if it helps. Just something you do on a regular basis, a natural thing, you know?

    A couple of years ago (not quite) at age 38, I came to the terrifying and radical and obvious conclusion that I was not happy. Not in my marriage of 13 years, not in my work at a prestigious firm, not where I lived, not with my family (different issues from yours)...I was just plain shocked at the realization. When I told my stepmother (who is a therapist), she said, yeah, i could have told you that!. But it's like Dorothy...you have to discover it for yourself.

    Anyways, as a result of my discovery (which was obvious to everyone but me), I started to lose weight, not on purpose, but it just came off, like a weight had been lifted from me, literally. I lost 20 lbs in a few months, and I looked and felt terrific (I've since put on about 5 lbs back, but I'm cool with that). I was cycling alot--I can really think when I'm out there on the bike.

    So everyone was saying how great I looked, except for my soon-to-be-ex-husband. His words were revealing: "I feel like you are slipping through my fingers." And, "There's nothing to hold on to anymore." Well, yeah... He even suggested that I get my thyroid tested, or that I was perhaps anorexic. Any reason but the real reason. He was threatened because my weight loss symbolized my breaking away. He always said he liked portly women, and I believe him (tall and thin as he is). In his case, it was safe to love portly women (all his exes were) because they are, literally and figuratively, easier to hold on to.

    I started going to therapy to help with all these issues and it's been so great. I had thought about it for a while but had not worked up the nerve. Things go so bad, I called up my stepmother and said, "Whom do I call, what do I say, how does this work, am I crazy??" Dealing with all this has helped in my work (I now work from home doing something I love--way less stress and more fun), I moved to another city, and I've fallen in love again. Wow.

    That's just my story, but I hope it helps. It takes courage to seek out help. Friends are great, but theres only so much they can do. Best of all, you get the permission to focus on you. It's okay to be happy and healthy and confident and successful. Sounds obvious, but it's not.

 

 

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