Need Friend Advice

[CycleChic06]

I'm headed to Vegas with a group of about 9 or 10 friends in September, which is just gonna be so much fun. However, a friend of mine approached me the other day saying she wants to go to, she's a peripheral part of this group of friends, she knows them all and has hung out with us a bunch of times. This friend has some issues though. She tends to drink A LOT and then get very angry and moody. She's sought out counseling for this a few times in the past, but she doesn't stick with it and not much has changed.

I'm very concerned about her coming on this trip, my group of friends doesn't want her to go because they don't want to have to deal with her behaivor, and I don't want to have to babysit her the whole time or feel responsible for brining her on the trip and ruining other people's good times.

I have no idea how to approach her about this, either telling her if she goes she's responsible for herself, or telling her she just can't come on the trip. I don't think I can say that to a friend and I don't see how to say anything like that to her with out seriously hurting her feelings and our friendship.

Does anyone have any advice??

[quint41]

First, who organized the trip? If it was someone else's idea, I would defer to that person. If it was an idea that a bunch of you came up with jointly, then you have the power to deal with this on your own.

How close are you to this friend? How would you feel if the relationship did not survive this issue?

I have a similar "friend." I feel bad for her situation more than anything else, and we used to be really good friends 30 years ago, but life took her in another direction. Now, I think she needs the connection to me more than I need the connection. She's a good person deep down, but way too many issues for me. I imagine the two of us in your situation. And, if that were the case, I'd sit with her and tell her that I care for her, we go way back, etc., but ... we are all going on this trip to have fun with no worries, and her history has us worried that if she went to Vegas she may have trouble with the alcohol, and it may cause worries and concerns for the rest of us. Bottom line, everyone's concerned about her joining the trip. I'm telling you this because I care about you and I don't want you to be in a situation like that, and I don't think you want to be in that situation either. Etc.

As with everything else in life, it's all in how you present it.

Of course, you run the risk of her getting hurt and mad and not being your friend anymore. But, if it's said with love and caring, then you cannot fault yourself. She has been through treatment many times, and she has to know that eventually this behavior is going to sever relationships with people who do not behave like she does. Who knows, it could end up being the catalyst to recovery.

Good luck.

[KnottedYet]

Ditto.

(very well said, Quint)

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

Of course, you run the risk of her getting hurt and mad and not being your friend anymore. But, if it's said with love and caring, then you cannot fault yourself. She has been through treatment many times, and she has to know that eventually this behavior is going to sever relationships with people who do not behave like she does.

Yes to everything Quint said.
Actually, it is her drinking that runs the risk of people getting hurt and mad and not being your friend anymore, not your mentioning it to her.

[Zen]

If you flat out tell her "no, your drunken behavior will ruin my trip" it would definitely be the end of any friendship you have. Vegas is not the place for this woman to be. Given her history though, she probably doesn't have many friends.
Tell her you got a group rate, all the arrangements have been made, it's too late now, yadayadayada, tell her anything but telling her she's a risky drunk won't be of any help to either of you. She'll (hopefully) figure that out eventually and she has to be the one to figure that out.

[quint41]

Why thank you, Knotted and Lisa. I appreciate that. And, Lisa, you are right in pointing that out -- it's not the "telling her" it's the drinking that's ruining her life.

Zen, I've been around the block a time or two, and I find that lying is just not the answer in a situation like this. It would probably come back to bite her in the butt, as the friend may very well figure out that the good deal, no room at the inn story is not true. In the end, that just makes things worse.

Of course "no, your drunken behavior will ruin my trip," is ridiculous! There are much more thoughtful ways to handle it. Such as, "I love you, but you have been through counseling enough times to know that your drinking can be a problem. We are not going on this trip to party and get loaded. By the same token, we are not going on this trip to completely avoid alcohol. We are afraid of what may happen. Past experience has told us that it is a strong possibility."

Unfortunately, people like this don't usually figure it out entirely on their own. They usually need an event or an epiphany. This could be the event that turns her around. Or not. Time will tell.

[teigyr]

Quint41, I think that's a wonderful way to handle it. I know there's honesty and there's honesty and you don't want to hurt her but still...Vegas would not be good. Those situations are so difficult and unfortunately genuine concern can be turned around to "you don't want me there" as opposed to you don't want the behavior and the behavior is destructive.

Since she knows she has problems, maybe this will be what she needs to continue on with therapy. Sometimes reality is the best wakeup call. And maybe you could offer to do something else with her; something less dangerous than the city of vice.