Thread Drift

[indysteel]

As I was driving to work today, I happened to look in my rearview mirror while I was stopped at the stop light just north of one of our sports arenas and saw an elephant crossing the street. Either the circus is in town or I was hallucinating. It was a funny way to start the day!

[Catrin]

As I was driving to work today, I happened to look in my rearview mirror while I was stopped at the stop light just north of one of our sports arenas and saw an elephant crossing the street. Either the circus is in town or I was hallucinating. It was a funny way to start the day!

Yep, Ringling Brothers are in town. I saw their wagons at the Conseco Fieldhouse parking garage yesterday after work After being here for 10 years (in Feb) I've yet to see the elephants! I am going to have to make the effort to head over to Monument Circle this year if they bring them out like they normally do

[Blueberry]

((((Pax))))))

I do understand about feeling stuck. We've made the decision to sell our house - but I still feel completely overwhelmed and trapped by the amount of work/getting rid of stuff to be done before we can actually put it on the market. I've been working on it - but it's tough.

[OakLeaf]

(((((Pax)))))

Not that it addresses the real issues, but can you put full-spectrum light bulbs in your office? Those made an enormous difference to me when I had to work in an office with no windows in the winter.

It seems like there are a lot of us here who feel like we can't do anything but wait around for our parents to die. It's the corollary of the thread about how old we are I think ... our parents are getting to that age.

[Pax]

... It seems like there are a lot of us here who feel like we can't do anything but wait around for our parents to die. It's the corollary of the thread about how old we are I think ... our parents are getting to that age.

It's really hard because my parents took no regard of my needs from age 18 on; they actually said "we raised you for the first 18 years, you're on your own now". I was okay with it, stepped out and took care of myself (I moved out of their house at 17). We've always gotten along but they lived 1500 miles away so we had very separate lives.

Then my father died; we had to move mom closer to home, she lives seven miles from me and eight from my brother (who does very little for her)... so after decades of not seeing much of each other I am now in the position of taking care of my mom... daily phone calls and multiple emails, taking her shopping every single weekend, fixing small things around her home, taking her on vacations, and just generally being the beck and call girl.

This will sound awful; I love my mom, but I didn't sign up for this! They made their choice to move away and have a life apart, now without any discussion my life isn't my own anymore. I hate feeling like this, I should be a better daughter, but I want my damned life back!!!

[indysteel]

It's really hard because my parents took no regard of my needs from age 18 on; they actually said "we raised you for the first 18 years, you're on your own now". I was okay with it, stepped out and took care of myself (I moved out of their house at 17). We've always gotten along but they lived 1500 miles away so we had very separate lives.

Then my father died; we had to move mom closer to home, she lives seven miles from me and eight from my brother (who does very little for her)... so after decades of not seeing much of each other I am now in the position of taking care of my mom... daily phone calls and multiple emails, taking her shopping every single weekend, fixing small things around her home, taking her on vacations, and just generally being the beck and call girl.

This will sound awful; I love my mom, but I didn't sign up for this! They made their choice to move away and have a life apart, now without any discussion my life isn't my own anymore. I hate feeling like this, I should be a better daughter, but I want my damned life back!!!

I'm sorry, Pax. In reading your post, I have a sickening feeling that I may end up in a similar position, caring for a parent or parents who weren't particularly caring to me. Add in my husband's parents--who I don't particularly care for--and I'm pretty nervous about what lies head for us.

It's good of you to help her, but please don't beat yourself up for not being particularly happy about it. Your reasons and feelings are perfectly valid. If there are any boundaries you can draw so that's a bit more bearable, do it. For instance, do you have to take her on vacation? And can you talk to your brother about doing more for her?

[Pax]

I'm sorry, Pax. In reading your post, I have a sickening feeling that I may end up in a similar position, caring for a parent or parents who weren't particularly caring to me. Add in my husband's parents--who I don't particularly care for--and I'm pretty nervous about what lies head for us.

It's good of you to help her, but please don't beat yourself up for not being particularly happy about it. Your reasons and feelings are perfectly valid. If there are any boundaries you can draw so that's a bit more bearable, do it. For instance, do you have to take her on vacation? And can you talk to your brother about doing more for her?

Thanks for the support Indy, this has been tough.

As far as "having" to take her on vacation, I do it because I feel so bad for her. She and dad were married for 51 years, she is so lost and lonely it just breaks my heart. So we set aside one vacation a year to take her someplace.

As for my brother... he is useless. He will only help grudgingly and lets mom know he'd rather be elsewhere. In short, he's a jerk and always has been. One redeeming things about all of this is when mom is gone, I won't have to interact with him anymore.

[indysteel]

Thanks for the support Indy, this has been tough.

As far as "having" to take her on vacation, I do it because I feel so bad for her. She and dad were married for 51 years, she is so lost and lonely it just breaks my heart. So we set aside one vacation a year to take her someplace.

You're a good, good person, Pax. Honestly, a lot of people--me, included, perhaps--might be less sympathetic under the circumstances.

[Blueberry]

Oh I understand this.

My parents have both made it clear that they want and expect to be taken care of.

My father - left my mom when I was 6, was sort of in my life until I was about 8, then re-married and I wasn't welcome, sort of came back in my life after the new wife left him, I lived with him during HS for a summer to get away from an alcoholic stepfather, almost wrecked college and my grad school with his "you need to do for me - I don't care if you have an exam/test/etc..", did the same thing with a fiancee a few years ago, and has otherwise lied to me and screwed me over since I've been alive. He is just over 60, and convinced he is dying (his docs don't know if he is). He wants me to talk to his doctors, go to appointments with him, make financial decisions for him, etc., etc.

My mom - did what she wanted when I was a kid and left me with my grandparents, married a terrible alcoholic (I left home at 16 after 2 years of him), was completely absent from any support role during college/grad school, has always been hyper-critical of me, finally kicked his a$$ out 2 years ago, and now expects that I'll be her best friend, financial consultant, and clearly expects to be taken care of in her old age.

Neither paid a dollar for college - I worked extra to make up for their failing to make the small "parent contribution." I'm an only child

My grandmother (who picked up their slack) gets visits most weeks, and phone calls. She has planned for her old age, and is in an appropriate place that will care for her. Still - I will do what I can for her.

The parents - I don't know. I don't plan to wreck my life to care for them. Especially given that this is likely to go on for 30 years. I didn't sign up for that and they sure as $h1t didn't earn it. I really just want to move far, far away.

[Pax]

Do it Blueberry, move far away while you can! Just make sure your situation doesn't have room for them to move in with you. Right now if we moved, my mom would move with us. Thank god I having an understanding partner.

[indysteel]

I know what I would do in your situation, Blueberry, but I'm not a particularly forgiving or selfless person when it comes to this kind of a thing. I am completely estranged my siblings as it is so I'm more than used to some pretty harsh boundaries. My parents are a trickier matter because they have provided emotional and, at least through college, financial support. It's just that their support has been very flawed and inconsistent. Plus, my mother is wackadoo, so I anticipate that dealing with her will be difficult. She has zero financial sense and is extremely private (to the point of paranoia) about medical issues, so there's a double whammy right there. Frankly, I'm more concerned about the fact that I'll likely have to deal with my siblings again, something I really don't want to do.

[Catrin]

((Pax)) it is a hard situation to deal with, for sure. Blueberry, if you can move away do it! I've spent all of my adult life living far from my family for similar reasons.

[lph]

Wow, this brings up memories. I'm dreading my mother's decline into old age, because I'm the only person around who will feel any duty at all to be there. And I vividly remember my grandmother's last years, which were distressing to me because she was lonely and depressed but also partly senile, so even when she did have visitors, she forgot about them within a few hours, and just felt more lonely. And she would call, and call, and practically beg me to visit her

I kept trying to tell myself that I couldn't possibly be responsible for her wellbeing, but it is hard.

[Crankin]

I know this sounds cruel, but we don't owe our parents anything for just "bringing us up." Parents have to earn respect by, well, being good parents. My in laws were of the "we brought you up, but we won't pay for anything else after age 18 variety," screwing up my DH's life supremely. He was called stupid and told he was never going to be anything. Then, when he finished college and became successful, they were jealous and said that I made him a snob .
His other siblings kissed their butts as they spent every penny they had and expected to still live a nice lifestyle. We were seen as mean for not enabling them, and in the end they died destitute, my m-i-l spending the last 2 years of her life in a very nice assisted living facility, paid for by the taxpayers of Arizona.
My parents had no money in the end, either. My dad is 86, lives with "roommates" in their 60s and up until recently, worked 15-20 hours a week. He lives on social security, supplemented by a small check sent by me and more from my brother. But, the difference is, he doesn't expect anything from us. He is unrealistic, but makes it clear he still is "the parent." My brother has had to deal with his medical stuff, but it's kind of nothing compared to you guys. He is still active and his mind is fine. He reads more books than me. Realistically, he could live another 5-10 years, given his family history.
All I know is that I won't ruin my life because of his poor planning.

[Blueberry]

Oak - no worries. I did a bit of that myself on here

I have few if any friends I can talk to about such issues. They're too personal in a way. I appreciate TE for things like that. Seriously. I really value the opinions and insight here.