Dear So and So

[Nanci]

No, it was from the actual Swiss Army, who, along with many other countries, most noteably the US, England and France, used homing pigeons to carry messages from where the soldiers were back to their bases.

Nanci

[rocknrollgirl]

Dear Youths on the Garden State Parkway,

Please refrain from doing an exit to the right across three lanes of traffic at 70 miles an hour. It is not good for this middle aged mt bike chick just trying to get her sweaty butt home.

And if you do repeat this in my presence, please do not flip me the NJ state bird when I lay on the horn.....

[mmelindas]

Dear God of body parts,

While I am grateful for still having all of mine, I request a "stop work order" on the rebellious ones which are plotting to renovate themselves: I may have small boobies (despite hours of dedicated standing on my head in a futile attempt to enlarge them) but I would like very much to keep them intact vs mastectomy or lumpectomy.... (well, if you'd spring for Dolly Parton reconstruction surgery, I might quit whining, but scaring the crap outta me with hiden lumps in both is NOT nice!!)

And by the way, what's with this vaginal bleeding thing years after menopause? That's totally uncalled for - it has killed sex, biking, summer plans, and swimming, while waiting for the Gyn doc to rip my works out and leave me bedridden, at the mercy of DH and DS (who will have to wait on me hand and foot post hysterical-ectomy...and I know those two, they'll eat chocolate in front of me and laugh, while not sharing, just because they know I can't get up and beat the duwhanggy out of both of them....)

Then there's the back thingy.... can't I have just one week of night's painless sleep without having to get up and hunt for those good drugs to put me out of my misery for a few hour's sleep? Why did you inflict a MRI on me for that stuff? Do you realize that when they stuff fat ladies into that high tech radiology tunnel, their arms are mashed so tight against them they go to sleep?

Say, while I am talking to you, can I trade in this huge thing that is dragging along behind me (which makes my pants look like 300 pounds of beans stuffed into a five pound bag) -- can I trade it for a nice tight, small bootie? I am tired of getting it stuck in those tiny theatre seats!!

And hey, about those "stray eyebrows" I have to rip out of my neck and chin before going out in public - they are such a pain! Why don't you keep them on my real eyebrows which now have all of two hairs in them? And let''s talk about that third chin...was that nice to do to me? Two were enough, thank you!

Finally, let me tell you that farting is NOT funny when you are an old woman and you already have to deal with wet panties and gigantic Depends undergarments.... it's bad enough to smell "old" without knocking off those in close proximity with errant unexpected explosions, ....and would you please give me a warning ahead of time so I can at least yell, "fire in the hole!"

In fact, what about giving me a new body? I earned it, I have lived 62 years without killing anybody ...and raised three sons who are not jailbirds, and am nice to all kinds of wildlife... I don't flip anybody the finger, and I have tolerated other people's bratty kids and those dang politicians all my life...

Signed sincerely (and pleadingly), Mmelindas

P.S.
I'd take anything female that weighs in a 125 lbs and was healthy

[Brandy]

Dear Grandma...

I really love you and I appreciate it so much when you watch my kids. Could you please stop feeding them doughnuts, allowing them unlimited visits to the cookie jar, walking them to the convenience store for candy and giving them soda after soda when they're in you're charge. They're freaking maniacs when I get them back. I know that you love them, but I'll tell you a secret that might help you from getting so exhausted when you watch them. They're a lot easier to deal with when they're not on a sugar high!

Sign me...

BRUSH YOUR TEETH...YOU'RE ALL GOING TO BED NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!

[cinderly]

Dear Weather,

SNOW?! It's May. I'm not even supposed to still have my studded tires on! I was getting so excited because we were down to one tiny patch of snow in the yard.

And you decided to torment me with more.

I was good this winter. I did my chores, turned in my homework on time, and was nice to my coworkers. I let others merge into my lane (even the giant trucks with "Sierra Club Sucks!" bumper stickers).

I know I should make hay while the sun shines, but there was yard work to do this weekend, and I was really, really looking forward to getting back on my bike this morning. And I woke up to a white blanket on everything.

Can there please be no more snow until, say, October? That'd be nifty.

Sunshine and flowers,

Cindy


Dear Traffic Enforcement Division,

I know I'm supposed to have my studded tires changed over by May 1. I'll do it this week, I swear, as soon as my mechanic can fit me in.

Any chance you can continue to look the other way and not write me a ticket? I won't complain if you do, because I'll deserve it, but it would be super-nifty-neat-o if you cut me some slack.

I'll even stop plugging strangers' meters for the WHOLE month of June if you hold up your end of the bargain.

Hopefully,

Cindy

[DirtDiva]

Dear germs,

PISS OFF!!!

[SadieKate]

Dear Bra Manufacturers:

Why can't you understand that some of us don't feel the need to succumb to your marketing drivel and are quite satisfied with our boobage? Some of us don't feel the need to maximize the volume or insulate an area that is already overly insulated? While I'm at it, could you also figure out that a 34D is big enough for the full figure section and waaaay too big for the little lacy scraps with strings? Perhaps you do make such a bra but the retailers won't carry it. Am I doomed to wander in the wasteland of women's foundation wear searching for a non-existent needle in a haystack [insert whimper]?

[Trekhawk]

Dear germs,

PISS OFF!!!

Dear Mr Mole
I have given you the chance to move to my neighbours yard and I have been civil. Still you pesist so Im sorry this is my new message wonderfully provided by tlkiwi and get the hint PLEASSSSSSSSE.