the wide spectrum of mothering

[Aromig]

Rebecca -- what a beautiful poem! I have friends who would love to be married and have kids, it didn't work out and I always imagine how hard this time of year must be for them. I struggled with infertility for years and remember HATING going to Mothers' Day at church. All of these things -- the poem just covers everything beautifully!

Crankin -- what a lovely thought to buy the book for your daughter in law! I think possibly the hardest thing about mothering is the judgment you face (whether real or imagined) so it sounds like a great book and a great sentiment for you to buy it for her!

[lauraelmore1033]

Ah, Mother's day is so alienating for me. Thanks for that. I am still seething with resentment because my mother expects to be congratulated for her toxic, non mothering.

[OakLeaf]

(((((Laura))))) Wish that poem would've done more than "acknowledge" our "experience." Some comfort would've been nice.

But definitely, cheers to all mothers who at least tried to do it right.

[lauraelmore1033]

Well, it's a start. I can usually tune out the syrupy sweet messages that stir up so much dissonance, but this year I stumbled upon a reddit group (raised by Narcissists) with a supposed mother's day support group, and I fell right down a rabbit hole that wiped out a good 10 years of therapy in one go.

[Crankin]

Laura, my take on those groups (as a therapist), is you are going to hear a lot of very fragile people who could certainly undo all of the work you have done. I am a firm believer in divorcing yourself from abusive, narcissistic, or otherwise extremely dysfunctional parents as adult children of such people. But, I think I am in the minority. I just read a whole professional article about this. Many therapists and the public in general, preach forgiveness for such parents, but would we say this to a woman abused by a spouse? Of course not. The parental attachment bond is so strong, it makes it difficult, but often better in the end, to hold the boundaries and/or have no contact.

[Aromig]

Many therapists and the public in general, preach forgiveness for such parents, but would we say this to a woman abused by a spouse? Of course not.

I've never understood why parents (even bad ones) get a pass. Then again, my favorite saying is that my kids are going to blame me when they grow up, I might as well earn it :-)

Laura - I'm so sorry it was so rough this year.
Crankin, the world needs more therapists like you. I fully support removing people from your life if they don't improve it. Life is too short to spend your time working on relationships that make you miserable. Then again, I'm working hard at "forgiving" (or how about not being angry about and letting go of) an abusive person in my past. They're not a part of my life anymore (beyond perhaps having to see them across a room at holidays once or twice a year), but at this point I just need to let them and the anger go and not define myself by past injuries.

[Crankin]

You are not forgetting, though Aromig, and you are forgiving your anger at the person, and then keeping him or her out of your life. Obviously every situation is different. You are so right, life is too short. Personally, I never wanted my kids to blame me, so I tried to raise them like my parents raised me, which was pretty damn well! I "divorced" my aunt 8 years ago, and by doing that I also have no contact with my cousins, their spouses, and their kids. She is an angry, controlling witch, with untreated ADD and I suspect a mood disorder. Her husband died at the young age of 52, and she became even worse after that, and never resolved her grief. My mom was totally the opposite. So, she can control her own adult children, but not me. It is too bad, as this is my only family, except my brother, who lives across the country. But, every time I think about re-establishing contact, I remind myself of her ways.