the wide spectrum of mothering

[rebeccaC]

This Amy Young poem/prayer was read at a Unitarian Universalist service I attended a couple of years ago. For me it captures who mothers can be. On Mother’s Day our stage should be big enough to rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn.

“To those who gave birth this year to their first child—we celebrate with you

To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you

To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains – we appreciate you

To those who are struggling with motherhood - we are here for you

To those who experienced loss through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away—we mourn with you

To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment – we walk with you.
Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don’t mean to make this harder than it is.

To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you

To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with you

To those who have disappointment, heartache, and distance with your children – we sit with you

To those who have lost their mothers – we grieve with you

To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge your experience

To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst

To those who are single and long to be married and mothering your own children – we mourn that life has not turned out the way you longed for it to be

To those who step-parent – we walk with you on these complex paths

To those who lavish love on grandchildren – we celebrate you. To those who envisioned lavishing love on grandchildren -yet that dream is not to be, we grieve with you

To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with you

To those who placed children up for adoption — we commend you for your selflessness and remember how you hold that child in your heart

And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising –we anticipate with you

This Mother’s Day, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst. We remember you.”
……Amy Young

[azfiddle]

Lovely

[Pax]

That is beautiful, Rebecca, thanks for sharing. My mom has been gone two years now and I find this time of year really painful, it's nice to see some acknowledgement of that loss.

[Crankin]

It's funny, I had a wonderful mom, but the only time I miss her is when I think of her in relationship to my sons and their achievements. She would have been an awesome great grandmother. She sincerely did not want people moping about her death and articulated this clearly, so I really took that to heart and only think about her in good ways. Of course, I wish she had not struggled with illness and died at such a young age (69), but I can hear her now, saying, "Go forward, get over it!!"
I bought my DIL the book "Sh*tty Mom, the Parenting Guide for the Rest of Us." It is hysterical. I wish it had been around when I was a young mom. I read almost all of it and I would say I am in the honorable mention sh*tty mom club. I will preface the gift with the fact that I just don't want her worrying and listening to all of the BS she will hear when she has the baby. It's already started... she is taking everything so seriously and worrying. With no good maternal role model, I try to walk the fine line between giving advice and just being there. My son will be a natural parent, so I shouldn't worry a lot.
My other DIL and son do not need the book. She'll have the baby and the next day, they will probably be out hiking with the kid.

[rebeccaC]

Pax…in my mind there IS a beauty in an inclusive and caring acknowledgement of all the aspects of Mother’s Day..
..(HUG)

[lph]

Rebecca, that poem was very beautiful. It was nice to see acknowledgement of some of the harsher sides of parenthood too. Parenthood is many things, but always carries emotion.

[Aromig]

Rebecca -- what a beautiful poem! I have friends who would love to be married and have kids, it didn't work out and I always imagine how hard this time of year must be for them. I struggled with infertility for years and remember HATING going to Mothers' Day at church. All of these things -- the poem just covers everything beautifully!

Crankin -- what a lovely thought to buy the book for your daughter in law! I think possibly the hardest thing about mothering is the judgment you face (whether real or imagined) so it sounds like a great book and a great sentiment for you to buy it for her!

[lauraelmore1033]

Ah, Mother's day is so alienating for me. Thanks for that. I am still seething with resentment because my mother expects to be congratulated for her toxic, non mothering.

[OakLeaf]

(((((Laura))))) Wish that poem would've done more than "acknowledge" our "experience." Some comfort would've been nice.

But definitely, cheers to all mothers who at least tried to do it right.

[lauraelmore1033]

Well, it's a start. I can usually tune out the syrupy sweet messages that stir up so much dissonance, but this year I stumbled upon a reddit group (raised by Narcissists) with a supposed mother's day support group, and I fell right down a rabbit hole that wiped out a good 10 years of therapy in one go.

[Crankin]

Laura, my take on those groups (as a therapist), is you are going to hear a lot of very fragile people who could certainly undo all of the work you have done. I am a firm believer in divorcing yourself from abusive, narcissistic, or otherwise extremely dysfunctional parents as adult children of such people. But, I think I am in the minority. I just read a whole professional article about this. Many therapists and the public in general, preach forgiveness for such parents, but would we say this to a woman abused by a spouse? Of course not. The parental attachment bond is so strong, it makes it difficult, but often better in the end, to hold the boundaries and/or have no contact.