Sorry about your cat, Smiling Cat.
But, I am worried about you... I know you said you seem to only post when you are having a bad day, but it gets my (professional) attention when someone says it doesn't matter if they die. It's one thing to not be scared of death, in terms of illness or end of life issues, but feeling like it doesn't matter if you are here or not is really saying that *you* don't matter to yourself or anyone else.
Your work is very stressful, so be kind to yourself. I hope you have someone, anyone, to share your feelings with.