Mother Dearest,

[Crankin]

This is why I am not being so quick to move away in a few years. Although I am very social, not sure how quickly I could build up a support system in the Berkshires. Yes, it's the same state, but not home. Once our house gets sold and we are moved into the condo, we will seriously start looking for a second home there, that might become a retirement home. I do not, repeat do not want to ever put my kids in that position, so we will go wherever, to get what we need. But, I like familiarity. I have no idea where my younger son will end up, but I doubt the other one will ever leave Boston.
I don't know how my brother ever had my dad move in with him. He is a better person than me, and i fully admit it. Of course, it was only after my dad realized he needed my brother a bit, and my dad swore he would "behave." He did, but the last 2 months took its toll on my brother.

[PamNY]

Smilingcat, I wish you the best in sorting out this dilemma. I, too, have seen people disrupt their lives to care for aging parents -- and then face disastrous economic situations. I hope you can find a solution.

[Pax]

Smilingcat, I wish you the best in sorting out this dilemma. I, too, have seen people disrupt their lives to care for aging parents -- and then face disastrous economic situations. I hope you can find a solution.

Absolutely! My situation isn't disastrous but I will feel the economic impact the rest of my life, I had so much time off without pay to care for my mom the last two years of her life that my state retirement pay is going to be $50 less a month. Doesn't seem like much, but $50 a month forever plus all the money I lost by not working will matter to me, I don't have a lot for retirement.

[Crankin]

I know this sounds cold, but every financial planner/advice we have received is to not ever do anything to compromise your retirement. That includes paying for things for your kids and your parents. When you think about it, it makes sense. If we end up without resources, then our kids or relatives will be taking care of us, and the cycle will be perpetuated.
My only experience with this was with my in laws. They became incapacitated, through their own refusal to accept in home help for my FIL's dementia. MIL got hurt caring for him, resulting in TBI. He ended up in a locked ward because he was violent, and she went to live in a very nice assisted living facility. They were penniless; time was spent arranging the care and the financials, but no one had to give up their lives. In this case, the state of AZ and Medicaid came through and we were very happy with the quality of care.

[Blueberry]

I know this sounds cold, but every financial planner/advice we have received is to not ever do anything to compromise your retirement. That includes paying for things for your kids and your parents. When you think about it, it makes sense. If we end up without resources, then our kids or relatives will be taking care of us, and the cycle will be perpetuated.

I agree with this 100%. I'm an only child of 2 (divorced) parents who thought I was their retirement plan. Dad went on SSDI early and is now on regular social security. Mom has been borrowing money from other family members for years. I did give her a car I was going to trade in - but that's where it stops (she drives 20k a year and has never bought a car - always gotten someone to give her one). I paid for college (working 3 jobs at some points), and my grandparents did a significant amount of taking care of me when I was a kid. I don't feel much of an obligation to sacrifice my life for my parents (I do take my grandmother to the store and to the doc when I can).

What worries me are the filial support laws. They aren't heavily enforced now - but with the elderly population growing rapidly and fewer having the means to take care of themselves, I fear their enforcement will become more commonplace. Could conceivably make it impossible to save for retirement.

[Helene2013]

I'm "lucky" - if we can even use that words - but for "old age purposes", that both my parents are gone, so are my husband's.

My mom died from a unique heart attack at 65. My dad...I don't know as we "lost" track of him. My parents divorced when I was a young teenager and it was hard on everyone. I "reconnected" with him in my late 20s and all he kept asking me (and siblings) was money for this and that. He would never call for other reasons, and never even came to my home. Long story short, one day I sent him a letter to not ever contact me again if he was only going to do so for money. That a father to me was not only something biologocial....there is a part missing. So he never called back.

My mom was poor, by her choice but we always ended up paying for her restaurant, her car maintenance (she too hardly paid for a car), and even her funeral.

On my husband's side his parent did well, middle-class. But we did have to take care a lot of them while his mom had cancer (over 25 years ago and died from it) and then hubby's dad when he became very sick for 2-3 years (him, his house, etc). But luckily he had money to support his needs. It took a toll on us and it took us over a year, if not more to recup from tiredness, etc.

Many times, we did not travel or do our own stuff to take care of our parents. It's ok. It's part of life, but not my whole life. I do not come from where I've been living and told husband I wanted to move elsewhere and we just could not because he would never have moved an inch too far from parents. I was ok as used to move my whole life just like smilingcat. I don't know what it is to go to one school for 2 years. It would be sometimes 2 schools in one year in different province. And it's not because it was their job that took them elsewhere, well most of the times anyway. It was just that when my mom decided to live elsewhere for the thrill...she would. And when you have no job or not much money, you have nothing holding you into one spot. So nope...not always fun having such parents. Luckily, all of us (3 kids) turned out stable, etc. But none of us have friends from childhood because there was never time to build long time relationship. So for me, at this point, Home is where I am and I will not have an issue going elsewhere and calling it Home again. But until retirement, I don't have plans to go elsewhere but I would not have moved closer to mom to take care of her. She loved to move...so move to wehre I am.

[Pax]

... What worries me are the filial support laws. They aren't heavily enforced now - but with the elderly population growing rapidly and fewer having the means to take care of themselves, I fear their enforcement will become more commonplace. Could conceivably make it impossible to save for retirement.

Agreed, we were very concerned about that in IL until I checked with a lawyer and found out there were no such laws/requirements there. My mom and dad lived large and when my dad died at 74, my mom was stuck with a refinanced 30 year mortgage with 26 years still on it (who gives a couple of 70 year olds a 30 year mortgage!!!) and over $55,000 in a second on their motorhome. They carried ridiculous debt and there was no way I wanted to get stuck paying for her bills when she was gone. We don't have debt, so at least we learned a valuable lesson from them.

[smilingcat]

I am very fortunate on a finance. Lets just say that my mother is very secure financially. My sister lives only 10 minutes from my mothers place so all my mother wants is to have her family back together.

And I too am financially secure at the moment unless I totally mess up my farm. I really don't need to be working but I choose to do so. And like my mother I too am totally debt free.

And my sister with whom I really don't get along, is well, lets just say that she failed to launch.

So its not so much that she needs care from me. It's more about living out her dream.