Mother Dearest,

[ny biker]

It is something I think about, thought it's too soon to make any plans. Until recently my closest relatives were almost 300 miles away, but now my nephew has started a new career less than an hour away from where I live. No idea how long he would stay in this area, possibly other nieces, nephews or cousins might end up near here as they begin their careers, and some of my siblings and older cousins talk about moving when they get older. But it is something to consider when thinking about long term plans.

I know someone whose father died last year. The father had been in a nursing home for 6 months, and my friend's mother had been living in a retirement community (apartment building) during that time so she had already moved out of their house. I think all of her adult children (who are grandparents themselves) live several states away. Her sister had been living in the same building for several years, and they both enjoy some of the activities offered for the residents there. It seems to be working out for both women.

[Crankin]

This is why I am not being so quick to move away in a few years. Although I am very social, not sure how quickly I could build up a support system in the Berkshires. Yes, it's the same state, but not home. Once our house gets sold and we are moved into the condo, we will seriously start looking for a second home there, that might become a retirement home. I do not, repeat do not want to ever put my kids in that position, so we will go wherever, to get what we need. But, I like familiarity. I have no idea where my younger son will end up, but I doubt the other one will ever leave Boston.
I don't know how my brother ever had my dad move in with him. He is a better person than me, and i fully admit it. Of course, it was only after my dad realized he needed my brother a bit, and my dad swore he would "behave." He did, but the last 2 months took its toll on my brother.

[PamNY]

Smilingcat, I wish you the best in sorting out this dilemma. I, too, have seen people disrupt their lives to care for aging parents -- and then face disastrous economic situations. I hope you can find a solution.

[Pax]

Smilingcat, I wish you the best in sorting out this dilemma. I, too, have seen people disrupt their lives to care for aging parents -- and then face disastrous economic situations. I hope you can find a solution.

Absolutely! My situation isn't disastrous but I will feel the economic impact the rest of my life, I had so much time off without pay to care for my mom the last two years of her life that my state retirement pay is going to be $50 less a month. Doesn't seem like much, but $50 a month forever plus all the money I lost by not working will matter to me, I don't have a lot for retirement.

[Crankin]

I know this sounds cold, but every financial planner/advice we have received is to not ever do anything to compromise your retirement. That includes paying for things for your kids and your parents. When you think about it, it makes sense. If we end up without resources, then our kids or relatives will be taking care of us, and the cycle will be perpetuated.
My only experience with this was with my in laws. They became incapacitated, through their own refusal to accept in home help for my FIL's dementia. MIL got hurt caring for him, resulting in TBI. He ended up in a locked ward because he was violent, and she went to live in a very nice assisted living facility. They were penniless; time was spent arranging the care and the financials, but no one had to give up their lives. In this case, the state of AZ and Medicaid came through and we were very happy with the quality of care.

[Blueberry]

I know this sounds cold, but every financial planner/advice we have received is to not ever do anything to compromise your retirement. That includes paying for things for your kids and your parents. When you think about it, it makes sense. If we end up without resources, then our kids or relatives will be taking care of us, and the cycle will be perpetuated.

I agree with this 100%. I'm an only child of 2 (divorced) parents who thought I was their retirement plan. Dad went on SSDI early and is now on regular social security. Mom has been borrowing money from other family members for years. I did give her a car I was going to trade in - but that's where it stops (she drives 20k a year and has never bought a car - always gotten someone to give her one). I paid for college (working 3 jobs at some points), and my grandparents did a significant amount of taking care of me when I was a kid. I don't feel much of an obligation to sacrifice my life for my parents (I do take my grandmother to the store and to the doc when I can).

What worries me are the filial support laws. They aren't heavily enforced now - but with the elderly population growing rapidly and fewer having the means to take care of themselves, I fear their enforcement will become more commonplace. Could conceivably make it impossible to save for retirement.

[Helene2013]

I'm "lucky" - if we can even use that words - but for "old age purposes", that both my parents are gone, so are my husband's.

My mom died from a unique heart attack at 65. My dad...I don't know as we "lost" track of him. My parents divorced when I was a young teenager and it was hard on everyone. I "reconnected" with him in my late 20s and all he kept asking me (and siblings) was money for this and that. He would never call for other reasons, and never even came to my home. Long story short, one day I sent him a letter to not ever contact me again if he was only going to do so for money. That a father to me was not only something biologocial....there is a part missing. So he never called back.

My mom was poor, by her choice but we always ended up paying for her restaurant, her car maintenance (she too hardly paid for a car), and even her funeral.

On my husband's side his parent did well, middle-class. But we did have to take care a lot of them while his mom had cancer (over 25 years ago and died from it) and then hubby's dad when he became very sick for 2-3 years (him, his house, etc). But luckily he had money to support his needs. It took a toll on us and it took us over a year, if not more to recup from tiredness, etc.

Many times, we did not travel or do our own stuff to take care of our parents. It's ok. It's part of life, but not my whole life. I do not come from where I've been living and told husband I wanted to move elsewhere and we just could not because he would never have moved an inch too far from parents. I was ok as used to move my whole life just like smilingcat. I don't know what it is to go to one school for 2 years. It would be sometimes 2 schools in one year in different province. And it's not because it was their job that took them elsewhere, well most of the times anyway. It was just that when my mom decided to live elsewhere for the thrill...she would. And when you have no job or not much money, you have nothing holding you into one spot. So nope...not always fun having such parents. Luckily, all of us (3 kids) turned out stable, etc. But none of us have friends from childhood because there was never time to build long time relationship. So for me, at this point, Home is where I am and I will not have an issue going elsewhere and calling it Home again. But until retirement, I don't have plans to go elsewhere but I would not have moved closer to mom to take care of her. She loved to move...so move to wehre I am.

[Pax]

... What worries me are the filial support laws. They aren't heavily enforced now - but with the elderly population growing rapidly and fewer having the means to take care of themselves, I fear their enforcement will become more commonplace. Could conceivably make it impossible to save for retirement.

Agreed, we were very concerned about that in IL until I checked with a lawyer and found out there were no such laws/requirements there. My mom and dad lived large and when my dad died at 74, my mom was stuck with a refinanced 30 year mortgage with 26 years still on it (who gives a couple of 70 year olds a 30 year mortgage!!!) and over $55,000 in a second on their motorhome. They carried ridiculous debt and there was no way I wanted to get stuck paying for her bills when she was gone. We don't have debt, so at least we learned a valuable lesson from them.

[shootingstar]

It is something I think about, thought it's too soon to make any plans. Until recently my closest relatives were almost 300 miles away, but now my nephew has started a new career less than an hour away from where I live. No idea how long he would stay in this area, possibly other nieces, nephews or cousins might end up near here as they begin their careers, and some of my siblings and older cousins talk about moving when they get older. But it is something to consider when thinking about long term plans.

I know someone whose father died last year. The father had been in a nursing home for 6 months, and my friend's mother had been living in a retirement community (apartment building) during that time so she had already moved out of their house. I think all of her adult children (who are grandparents themselves) live several states away. Her sister had been living in the same building for several years, and they both enjoy some of the activities offered for the residents there. It seems to be working out for both women.

My concussion injury highlighted to me (at my tender age of 56) how important having 1-2 trustworthy friends or family locally. I agree that wherever one lives, it is useful to have at least 1 local close trusted friend or family member, who has known you for several years and who is physically able to help. This is why I have chosen to live in walkable distance wherever I've lived in whichever city in Canada, close to services and amenities. I can't fathom living isolated in burbs and not close public transportation /key services.

I am within 15-30 min. walking distance to doctor, dentist, bank, grocery stores, pharmacy, library, etc. Though I am car-free, with a head injury you DON'T want to drive during rehab. If I have to take taxi at least it won't cost me a fortune. (though cheaper and easier to take transit train). There are express buses and light rail from downtown that take me to the airport and to the intercity bus terminal within 15-30 min. ride from downtown. Every decade it becomes more and more important to choose to live in a home that is close such services if you want to remain as independent as possible. I know that people think of friends giving them car lifts when they're old, etc. But I disagree and I look to my mother who is now heavily dependent on my siblings to schlepp her everywhere. I mean everywhere. She won't even walk to her grocery store 3 blocks away. She can walk. And there are many people who refuse to walk 3-5 blocks on a pleasant residential street to do an errand.

At work, we had an employee (who is probably over 60), who lives downtown by himself. He fell somewhere at home (?) about 4 months ago and the first person someone could reach on his cellphone, was his work supervisor because that was the local phone number he dialed the most. He has been hospitalized for over 2 months which indicates that seriousness of his condition.

So one of the things told to us at a work safety meeting, was if one lives alone was to give your personal phone number to another employee that you trust even if you don't feel like giving it to your supervisor. In case, you are missing/don't show up for work because you were incapable of contacting the supervisor. Personal phone number is on file in our HR database, but that would take time for someone to track it down in personal information records which there are strict controls for access by any employee except certain HR people. (It is actually controlled by law in Canada..on access to personal info.).