Helicopter parents

[Crankin]

It took my older son a little longer to realize he should pay for half of our restaurant meals, than the younger one. We gave little hints. It's been a few years since he started doing this, and now, of course, DH will often say he is treating. It's just the idea of it. Sometimes, on holidays, I have to ask them to bring something, but I also do that with my friends who are coming. DIL many times has spent Amex gift cards from her employer on meals or presents for us. I don't know my other DIL as well, since they live in CA, but she follows my son's lead. She has always been gracious and helpful when they have stayed here, and I appreciate it. I hated my mother in law, but then DH had horrible, abusive parents, who subscribed to the "do as I say, not as I do" theory. I swore not to be like that, and just keep my mouth shut. I always say the proof that my kids are OK is in the way they treat their wives. Never wanted any woman to say, "What the hell did your mother do???"
And yes, better parenting is the key. It's just that many people have no good role model for that.

[PamNY]

Why would one not be straightforward about handling restaurant checks or bringing food to a gathering?

After I graduated from college, my parents said they wanted to cover restaurant meals when I visited because I had the expense and effort of airfare and a rental car. They sometimes did the "dropping hints" thing which makes my head explode -- luckily for all I raised the issue directly and it was never uncomfortable. My directness didn't always go well, and I wasn't always smart about it, but in this case it seemed to work out.

Same for bringing food or beverages to a gathering. If you want people to bring something, say so! Everyone is different. Personally, I find it annoying if people bring something that requires special handling, or doesn't go with the rest of the meal. I also don't want people barging around in my kitchen unless I invite them to do so. My mother was the same.

The issue of helping parents becomes more complicated with aging and illness, of course.

[shootingstar]

When we do potluck, it's as vague as salad or pasta. Then it's up to the family member to make it and bring it. So most of the time no one knows what to expect. And no one cares. We do know certain food allergies..of some people that are life threatening, so we avoid dishes with such stuff.

Potluck never is coordinated in my family. Some Asian dishes, some sausage, cheese, Italian pasta, salad, etc. Whatever...it is genuinely mixed-up, cross-cultural at nearly every family gathering. I know for some families, it's sometimes. For us,...it's all the time. Some of us live this way-- daily. If we started specifying flavours, it would go over like a lead balloon and less people would contribute.

Actually my partner is a little more attentive in coordination of flavours in 1 meal, than I.

[lph]

Why would one not be straightforward about handling restaurant checks or bringing food to a gathering?.

I agree, Pam, but that's me in all settings. I loathe unwritten rules, partly because I was raised unaware of a lot of them which got me into a lot of awkward situations. I have tried to be much more straightforward myself, and I think once we get to the point where my son should pay for his own meal he'll know that before he even accepts an invitation to go to a restaurant. Not least because we can afford restaurants he would not on a student income, so there shouldn't be any ambiguity about who is paying.

As for doing things for parents - on the one hand my own mother is intensely independent, lives alone, travels a lot, works freelance. She will never ever ask for anything. On the other hand she's not too physically strong, and obviously needs help doing some stuff, like keeping the trees on her large lot from going completely wild. We offer to help, in general terms, but she will never ask. This just seems stupid to me. Nobody expects a woman in her 70s to be a lumberjack anyway. True independence includes knowing when to ask for help, and letting people help.

The only time I think one "should" offer to help without being asked is if someone is obviously working hard right in front of you, for instance cooking, and you have nothing to do yourself.

[Crankin]

I guess I used the wrong words, Pam. We are direct, but tried to be humorous about it, so hence the "hints." Funny, though, that even though DS whips out his credit card every time now, DH often pays. We go out with them at least once a month, sometimes twice. They aren't traveling far.
I rarely do pot luck anymore, and when someone comes for dinner, like a casual dinner, I prefer to do it all myself. On holidays, I ask people to bring an appetizer, salad, or dessert. Once I realized DIL is a really good cook, I started asking her, too. My friend we do holidays with is an obsessive planner and we are often planning the menu for Thanksgiving in early October. I am not like that, but I deal with it.
My parents lived in a different state; my brother was there and did all of the help. My dad lived with him at the end. We contributed financially a bit, but I fully get what my brother did. I am not sure I have that in me. I never want to be dependent on my kids for anything.

[Crankin]

Back to the helicopter parents...
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...oblem-colleges

[smilingcat]

I am very thankful for my parents to let me fail over and over again. My father was quite blunt about it. "What is the point of crying. Pick up yourself and keep going." School of hard knocks. But he did intervene, if he thought it was danger to my well being. Playing with chemistry set can get dangerous. :-)

Kids need to learn that its okay to fail. Many a times, going over the line/edge is what it takes to learn.

[Jolt]

Ugh…this stuff all scares me when I think about potentially having kids!! I would like to let my kids do things like play outside and walk/bike to school (provided we live where this is feasible) and not have scheduled activities every minute of every day, but it seems like society is doing its best to prevent such things. When there are cases where the cops get called on someone for letting their kids play IN THEIR OWN YARD without the parent right there (and I would bet that the parent is keeping an eye out through the window while getting other things done), something is seriously wrong. It also seems like some parents get so wrapped up in their kids that they forget about who they are and their other interests, which doesn't seem healthy for either the parents or the kids. How do we fix this?

[Aromig]

Sigh. I've recently taught as an adjunct at a local university in a paralegal program. The class I taught was in the final year, so they've been in the program for a while and are ready to go into the job market. The assignments were very watered down, hypothetical assignments that I'd give paralegals in our office. A few students really excelled and thanked me after the class for the real-life world experience. About half of the class complained that the work was too hard, I didn't give them the answers, etc. I had one student to whom I gave a B (I really wanted to give him a C, but I was concerned that maybe it was too harsh) tell me he wasn't a B student and I needed to change the grade to an A. When I pointed out everything he missed and that it looked like he spent maybe 10 minutes on the project he admitted that was all true, but said that he is still an A student so he needed the grade adjusted. It all made very me sad because those people will not be prepared for a real job in their chosen profession. Fifteen years ago I was a graduate assistant who worked with students, etc. in a similar program and I can tell a definite difference between the "entitlement" of the students from then to now.