I struggle with this daily. I don't want to be a helicopter parent, but I also don't want my kids suffering because I'm not that kind of a parent. I tend to let my kids be more independent, whereas my husband gets a little more wrapped up in everything they do (I'm hoping that we balance each other).

I have two boys, ages 14 (just starting high school) and 12 (just starting middle school). Both very bright (what parent doesn't say that? LOL), but different levels of laziness. The 14 year old is very independent, does nearly everything on his own, but often does the bare minimum to get by. He does great when he applies himself, but doesn't always apply himself. The 12 year old applies himself, but always asks for more help and if we would do it, he'd let us do his work and we're always struggling with helping if he asks for it but making him do the work on his own.

I believe kids should do their own school projects, that's how they learn. We help if they ask, but make sure they're doing the work. However, they're graded against their peers and it's clear that often parents are doing the projects (there is just no way that some of these projects are done by kids). You want your kids to be competitive - but you also want them to do the learning. It's hard to draw the line.

I have friends with slightly older kids, and when I ask about how much they help, they claim "they're helping edit." When asked to edit my kids' stuff, I make suggestions, point out where they've failed to explain something (but they have to fix it), etc. But once when looking at my friend's edits (I specifically asked because I'm struggling with how much to do or not to do)- he clearly rewrote the whole thing and the paper looked nothing like the kid's original product. Did that kid learn something? Probably - I think you improve anytime you see how someone changed your work. Is the kid now capable of producing similar work - probably not. Is it fair that the kid gets a grade for a paper that the parent (whose job is to write professionally) essentially wrote?

When I talk to the parents of my kids' friends -- I hear them talking about their older kids and "so and so is rushing this sorority, and our family is so stressed about it" etc. they had to drop everything to drive 4 hours to take some new clothes to her. I mean, really? The kid is in college, when is she going to do it on her own? I don't understand why something happening to the kid is a stress on the whole family hours away?

My kids also participate in sports and I'm so very sick of hearing "WE are practicing twice a day," "WE had an awesome game," or "WE won." I'm not doing anything but sitting in the stands. There's no "we" involved except I've provided transportation. I'm proud of my kid, but I don't think I'm a terrible parent that I'm not entirely wrapped up in their every waking moment. I watch most of their games, but it's not the end of the world if I miss one. There are other parents who call you out on "I see you weren't at such and such a game...did you have an emergency? Your son played well anyway" (as if parental presence if the only reason kids will do well). You'll also hear other parents gossiping ("so and so's Mom hasn't made a SINGLE game...poor so and so." I've had to walk away from gossip before, although I'll admit that I just left, I didn't shut it down like I should have.)

Either way, the judgment feels very real (and I'm judging too, in this post I've "judged" the parents I consider over-involved). I presume we're so "judgy" because parenting is so important and it is so personal, but I really don't remember my mom or dad caring what others thought as much as people in my generation seems to care.

Sorry for the long and rambling post, but this post hit a nerve about something I seriously struggle with every day. I mainly just hope that kids are resilient enough that even if I'm doing it wrong they'll be OK (although Crankin's posts worry me a lot).