Trying to get back into this

[Catrin]

Hi NoNo, I remember you! Welcome back!

I've had problems with serious PTSD so I know just how difficult it can be to deal with bad thoughts and feelings. Knowing that feelings aren't real doesn't much help in the midst of things. and, for me at least, setting out to block bad thoughts never worked well at all. What works better for me are those activities that require focus on the present moment - like cycling, mountain biking, tossing kettlebells around over my head, etc. If I weren't so afraid of heights I would have taken on rock climbing, it sounds like fun!

I like LPH's advice to mix up the riding and go different places/different types of riding than before. It is hard to shut up that inner voice that compares our current activity level/fitness with the past. Meander down scenic back country roads, go for grocery runs, ride in local parks. Focus on the scenery, breath deeply, enjoy the world around you.

[Crankin]

Blocking the negative thoughts is only the first step. Sometimes people don't hear or are not told the most important part, which is replacing the negative with the positive. How you do this is very personal. Some people use a mantra, some just repeat a saying in their head that isn't so "mantra-like," and others use visual images. You have to decide. As Catrin said, when you are riding, it is easier to focus on the visual spectacle of the environment. We really do see things on a bike that we miss otherwise. Same for hiking, or even walking.
Research shows that you can decrease anxiety/repetitive negative thoughts by using what's called 4-6 breathing 10X a day for one minute. This means inhaling for 4 breaths and exhaling for 6 breaths, slowly. The key is to always have the exhale be longer than the inhale. You can actually see changes in the frontal area of the brain on an f-MRI (forgive me, I forget which specific part) after a person has been practicing this for 4-6 weeks. Of course, it takes a commitment to do this, but it really works to bring down your overall level of anxiety and hypervigilance.
And, from my personal experience, mixing up activities is always best. It keeps us from physically over using the same muscles and joints, but also gives our brain the variety it craves.

[NoNo]

Hi Catrin! Thanks for the understanding. It's hard to describe the thoughts to other people, it's always nice to talk to someone that gets it. The good news is that even though I know I'm slower, I've come back from each ride in a great mood, proud of myself for getting out there. I may go tonight and then hike tomorrow. I definitely like the idea of mixing things up and not getting into a routine. Even with climbing I got burned out after a while (but man, was I strong!). I think the other thing I'm struggling with is how quickly this all happened. Last year at this time I was 30 lbs lighter and still had muscle. The mix of depression and meds packed on the weight and kept me from wanting to even get off the couch. I have a fairly good mix of meds now that allow me to get out and do things, but I'm not sleeping, so I'm also super tired. I may go and bike tonight, but that means I'll be asleep by 8. It's a trade-off, but I know each time I go out is a step towards improving my life and well-being.

Crankin, my psychiatrist is always pushing breathing techniques to me. When I was first diagnosed, everyone told me to do yoga, that it would calm me. Instead, I spent the whole time waiting for class to be over and generally not enjoying it. Still, I tried it. I think my mind races too much to really get into those quieting techniques. Maybe with more practice it would help, but I feel like I'm too high energy for that stuff. Next week I'm going to try cardio boxing! Tomorrow I'll hike. Variety will be my friend. I'm just grateful to even want to do this stuff, it's a far cry from where I was a few months ago.

[Crankin]

No, No, not everything works for everyone. That's why you have to try everything. The exercise is a #1 mood stabilizer, but what I am telling you isn't just what I "prescribe," it's based on personal experience. Anyone who knows me, knows I am a type A person. But now, I'm a calmer type A person, and the reason is that I experienced the same thing that you are dealing with, aftr I had been riding about 6-7 years, probably at my peak. I really suddenly lost all of my endurance from a combination of some undetermined immunological disease process that comes out under stress, retiring, and resultant anxiety about all of it. I was thinking almost exactly what you said in your above post. I kept going to yoga, and I found teachers who were both mind and body focused, so I actually felt like I was exercising. It calmed me and I gained a lot of flexibility and balance, something missing when you just ride. Then, I signed up for a Mindfulness Stress Reduction class. It was 8 weeks, and I was not a good student, in that I felt agitated during the class (we had to be silent for one whole Saturday session. I cheated and called my son), but I did go home and do the homework. When the class was over, I kept doing the shorter meditations and visualizations. I still do, but not all of the time. I also went to acupuncture and had some deep tissue massage/PT.
I am not sure what really worked, because I was doing so many modalities at once. But after about 4-5 months, I felt better (I did take some meds for a short time), I was able to make the decision to go back to school the next fall. It was cycling season again by the time I started feeling better, and this was the summer I did all kinds of slower, shorter rides. I also found that during that winter, x country skiing didn't bother me at all, and I felt better after heavy exertion, unlike cycling. I never got quite back to where I was in speed, but I am very close. And, I am 8 years older now, and I'd say, I'm pretty good for my age, and the kind of riding I do. The goal is to keep riding until I keel over, and not beat myself up about some arbitrary number.
I am betting you might like something that is more movement oriented, like Thai Chi or Qu'i Gong. While these help calm the brain, they are active and a good complement to endurance sports.

[MollyJ]

I have not been that much of a fitness oriented person but about 5-6 years ago, I took some weight off and exercise was a big part of that. And here's the "secret" I learned. It was a secret to me because I thought all physically fit people just did their sports and stayed at some sort of magical high level of fitness at all times. But the truth is that life interrupts us. Kids need us. Our parents get sick. We get overwhelmed at work and exercise just doesn't happen. And you start over. Well, not over as in "learning to ride the bike all over" but in terms of endurance, etc, we start over. I _really_ learned this with swimming because even being out of the water for a couple of weeks causes you to loose ground. So I really agree with lph, pick new routes, new ways of doing things. When I get back in the water, I concentrate on a slow even stroke, no speed about it. Just getting back into it, getting your arms moving again. I might spend more time noticing the water and how good it really feels on my body. That's remembering what I like about swimming. And remember, there always is a first spring ride when the bike feels new again, and you don't really have your breathe yet, and you might remember ruefully that doing 20 miles was a snap last summer but somehow 10 or 12 or 15 feels like "enough". And here's my motto. Never ride so far that you are in danger of getting off the bike (or the run, or the swim) and saying, "I _never_ want to do that again!" Practice bicycle "mindfulness". Notice what there is to see. Ignore the bike. Ignore the speedometer. Smell the flowers, listen to the frogs, talk to the horses and cows you pass. I also like my bike and I am genuinely thankful that I have my beautiful bikes that have let me do so many adventures. Set a goal, for example find yourself a nice 25 mile charity ride and work towards being able to participate in that. I rode yesterday and while I was not grateful for the wind (however, this is KS) we've had so much rain of late that I heard lots of frogs singing. The ride I took 2 weeks ago, I saw 4 snakes two of which were not dead. And I'm working on learning more about birds. So think of other things to think about rather than your distance and speed. You know yourself the best. I like wearing my heart monitor because I can see that I am stronger within weeks when I wear it.