Thread Drift

[Becky]

Glad to hear that it's not just me. DH and I don't have kids, and I just started a very non-traditional job that has me working some unpredictable hours and with certain limitations when I'm on-call. As a result, I'm forced to say no to a lot of the social opportunities that my friends suggest, including riding. I'm not sure how to keep some of these relationships alive, or if I even should.

[Crankin]

Well, I guess I must have a very high need to be social. I was the popular girl in middle and high school, even when I had to move in gr. 10, I found friends in my new home, although I was not in the same kind of social group. It sounds silly for a 60 something to be talking about this, but "having plans" is part of my life. We are so lucky we found our "cycling" couple friends when we did. They have no children and ours were already out of the home when we met them, 10 years ago. But, the thing is, we socialized heavily even when our kids were little. We had a babysitter almost every Saturday night. My mother was right... your spouse is there after the kids leave, so develop hobbies together. She told me this right before she died, about 5 years before we started riding together. I cannot imagine a life without friends. I think what is bringing this home, is that out of my 3 other friends we socialize with, 2 of the couples are experiencing issues related with aging that I kind of have no tolerance for. One has nothing to do with her own health (this is the friend that I've been gradually pulling away from for years, I've talked about her before), but rather a situation with her parents who are in Florida. She has already been down there for 2 weeks last month and now is gone for a month. It's a situation where she and her siblings have let their parents bully them and don't listen, and now they are incapacitated. And, my friend is doing the lion share of the care taking, because, frankly, her siblings have more of a "life," and she won't stand up to them, to make it fair. My friend's husband is gone for business 4 days a week, always has been, so I guess she doesn't care. The other couple, whom we are more compatible with in terms of some stuff, are both extremely overweight. He's huge, had a stent put in years ago and did not follow any other medical advice. Now he has prostate cancer and when he had exploratory surgery, they could barely get him out of the anesthesia. So, he had a sleep study and he has sleep apnea, which is not good for upcoming prostate surgery. She constantly complains to me about her weight, but she hates moving and sweating, and has some really unusual ideas about food. Three weeks ago, she tripped and fell down the stairs, separating her shoulder. I listen and can tolerate it better than the other one, but it's making it feel like there is not much for us to base our friendship on. Like you, Catrin, I feel younger than most people my age. Some, I think is from years of being around teens, and the rest is attitude and lifestyle. Sure, I have my "things," but I don't dwell on them or constantly talk about them.
And like Blueberry, I don't think this is age group specific. It happens when you are different than the majority.
I guess I'll be hanging out more with my bike group associates, but after 10 years, no real friendships have developed there. They are friendly, but it seems like some of them have been friends for 20-30 years. And, it seems like the men are friendlier than the women. Well, I guess this can be a goal of mine this year.

[shootingstar]

My goal continues to be to improve after my head injury/concussion (concussion=head injury). This injury has made me realize:
*How lucky I am to have at least 1 close friend locally who understand my cycling interest, but who I've known well enough for past few years in our friendship that we have other common interests. I am extremely lucky to have this local friend plus my partner who have each experienced a concussion and understand what I am going through for recovery.

*How "hidden" a head injury can be as a temporary disability. I don't look visibly disabled nor elderly/fragile that I don't look as if I need someone else's help beside me. But I do occasionally. I also had to insist on wheelchair assistance when I got off the airplane gangplank almost 2 wks. ago, to get to the baggage claim which was a long walk I didn't want to navigate with lots of people milling around.

*How isolating a "hidden" temporary disability can be for someone who "looks" fit, doesn't look old (even if 55) and healthy otherwise. And how easily misunderstood such a disability can be.

*How glad I am to have other long term passions outside of a physical activity/cycling. But still how reliant I am on being "fit" to read on computer screen ....which I can't spend much time right now. So even these non-sport passions, if taken away from me completely/forever, how confined I would feel.

*How much work our brain engages every day in order for us to function. We rely on our brain to move all our limbs, turn our head, understand everything that we see, our brain processes a lot of information in a coordinated way during our waking moments when we move around or even just to sit up. That's why yesterday, I got suddenly tired after seeing a friend (someone for the lst time within in the last 3 wks. outside of my partner, doctor) after she had dinner in our home for a few hrs. I was tired and we only had dinner and pleasant conversation!! This is someone who I wanted to see, not avoid.

*How important it is to be healthy and reasonably fit for life....because when something traumatic happens, like an injury..you can help yourself abit more easily in recovery. Your recovery will be a bit easier on yourself. ie. I just go for a short walk outdoors everyday with dearie, so my brain gets used to seeing different stuff and re-establish my balance. It's more about building brain stamina/recovery, not because I lack physical fitness to walk. Imagine if prior to the accident, I already had other medical problems with walking or other pre-existing medical condition that affected my mobility/balance.

*I wish I had more close friends locally. But there's nothing right now I can do about it except rest to get better. All my closest friends and other family members are in a different province. But at least I am comforted by the knowledge that family members contact me to check on my progress and receive real medical advice from my sister-doctor which I can cross-check (mentally) with my attending local doctor.

[Crankin]

Well, I guess I'd be screwed if I had a concussion, because if I had to lie around and rest, I'd go nuts, especially if I couldn't read. Oh, I'd have plenty of people who would offer to help, like the ones I spoke about, it's just they all seem to actually "want" to rush to these kinds of situations and help, which creeps me out. Then there's the committee from my synagogue who help those in need. Frankly, I'd rather die than have them come into my home. I didn't allow them to come to my mom's memorial observance, because it just felt so awkward. They are not my friends. And no one there even knows my dad died last summer. The best example I can give is after my mom died ( a few weeks had passed), I had a call from a woman who was one of my younger son's religious school teachers at some point. She felt the need to call me and help me "deal with my feelings," because her mom had also died in the past year. At first, I appreciated the call, as a nicety from someone I had a very tangential relationship with. Then, she would not get off of the phone. She barely knew me, let alone my mom, who lived in another state. I had a few calls like that, and I just felt totally like, "Why the hell are you calling me?" I know i deal with death, illness, and other bad things very pragmatically, plow on through, and I do not get sad very often, but it works for me. I am not unfeeling, and my mom was too young to die, but she had been sick for years and I knew it would happen. This might seem opposite of my comments of wanting more friends, but I find that the older I get, the more people just are talking about this stuff way too much. I think I am just very private about this stuff and I know people misinterpret it.
Shooting Star, you are lucky to have your partner there and a sister who can give you medical advice. I have a friend in AZ, who did that for me a few years ago, when I had all of my mystery medical stuff. A few phone calls to her made me feel better.

[NbyNW]

Sending healing thoughts to you, Shootingstar.

DS and I are moving back to Seattle sometime in March/April. DH has told me he wants out of our marriage. While I'm not yet emotionally ready to accept this, my brain knows that it's time to lawyer up. If anyone in Seattle knows a good family practice lawyer, please send me a PM.

[Catrin]

Shootingstar, take care and glad to hear that you are starting to feel a little better. SO glad your concussion wasn't any worse!

NbyNW, sending you warm hugs and peaceful thoughts in this difficult time.

[salsabike]

Sending healing thoughts to you, Shootingstar.

DS and I are moving back to Seattle sometime in March/April. DH has told me he wants out of our marriage. While I'm not yet emotionally ready to accept this, my brain knows that it's time to lawyer up. If anyone in Seattle knows a good family practice lawyer, please send me a PM.

NbyNW, I am sorry. But I will be glad to see you and I think I can give you some names; will PM soon.

Shootingstar, I am sending you my heartfelt best.

[shootingstar]

Progressing slower than thought..but getting there. Been doin' lots of thinking. Crankin: You may underestimate yourself if such a situation happens.

NBYNW- I am sorry for such a tough situation and journey ahead. You've given alot of yourself in Edmonton, UK and for DS. May you have good help and support in Seattle, etc.

[Jolt]

Well, I guess I'd be screwed if I had a concussion, because if I had to lie around and rest, I'd go nuts, especially if I couldn't read.

I'm with you on that--I too would go stir crazy if I was forced to lie around for very long, for any reason, and yes, it would be worse not being able to even read! One of my friends had a really difficult pregnancy and was on bed rest for several months and I don't know how she managed not to end up in the loony bin. I think she did a fair amount of reading so that probably helped.

[Helene2013]

Maybe if we had more time on our hands we'd make friends easier, at least be easier to keep a friendship relationship alive and kicking.

We are not anti-social. On the contrary. But lack of time gets the best of us.

Funny though is that when we travel across Canada and USA for our dogs (yes...our dogs!), we have so many good people (we call friends) that we met over the past 10 years and we kept in touch by almost daily discussions at some point, like this board. We are closer to them, then most people I know right in my home-area.

Over the years we have been invited to spend a day or a meal at their houses we'd be treated like king and queen, dogs had gifts. Some of them we still visit on a regular basis (like one in Nashville). We are planning this coming summer to head to Minnesota to do some road cycling (mostly hubby with friend) and dog activities like agility (mostly me with friend's wife. haha) with some of them. It is so much fun to be reunited with all those people. But it can only be done during our summer vacation. I cannot go to California on a weekly thing, nor Nashville, or Ohio, etc.

Once we retire (should be 5 years but with laws and contracts changing it can be pushed - bummer), it is a guaranteed thing that we are moving out of the province, probably try being a full-timer in a motorhome. We'd be 5 months somewhere in Canada and then 7 months in a warmer climate in the USA so we can enjoy cycling and doing different things. If I want snow, I can always head up north a bit and find it for a week and be contended before returning to a more 18c day temperature (I hate big heat!).

Time will tell where all that will be. I don't need right now a close-knit group of friends right by me 24/7. Maybe as we get older we may feel the need to have a more reliable and stable group of people around us. For now, I'm ok with what I have. But it can get "lonely" or stange when people are partying for instance during the xmas time and you're home alone with hubby. Or when you are off and could visit with friends, they are working or busy themselves! But it is the life we chose and I'm ok with this.