Saying nothing, not doing much is abit difficult

[shootingstar]

I agree with Amy that we all probably bring our "own baggage and defensiveness" to these discussions, but that being said, I don't think Jean (shootingstar) was being overly judgmental or condescending in her original post. Maybe that's because I come from a judgmental Asian family, so I don't even notice it, but I think she really just wanted to know what to make of her friend not wanting to shop at the farmers market when she buys organic at the store. From my own personal experience, I feel lucky that I can get amazingly fresh eggs, produce, fish, meat, etc., year round at our local farmers markets here in Seattle. However, if I ever took my very traditional, conservative Filipino family (who live in San Diego) to the farmers market, they would ask me why I don't just go to the grocery store. They would think there's something sketchy about buying food from these "random people" in the street, as if the "clean" and packaged food at the grocery store is guaranteed to be safe and better for you. Of course, once you have fresh produce from the farmers market, it's hard to buy grocery store produce. Once I started growing my own heirloom tomatoes, they had such amazing flavor compared to totally tasteless store-bought and restaurant tomatoes, I can't even bring myself to eat tomatoes other than what I grow.

............. Jean, if your friend really wants to try a detox diet, she should work with a naturopath or an informed medical professional who can really explain the process to her.

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And I would invite her to go on more bike rides with you. If she golfs and kayaks, then she's probably open to cycling more. She won't be as strong or as fast as you at the start, but she'll get stronger. Soon the two of you will be able to go on longer rides together, so you can hang out while being more active.

I don't know if I agree that it's always best to bite your tongue and never express an opinion your friend might construe as judgmental. I guess it depends on the kind of friendship you have, whether you and your friend hate confrontation, or if you both like to argue and won't be offended by such an exchange. My family has always been melodramatic and confrontational. Even now whenever we all get together, there's always a lot of yelling and crying over the most trivial things, then it always blows over and we're all good. My closest friendships are with women with whom I usually have a lot in common and who help me gain insight about myself and other people, but we can still argue and trust each other enough to know one of us may criticize with the intent to help, not to attack or hurt, the other person. In contrast, friendships often didn't last when we had little in common, felt like we always had to hold back because the other person was thin-skinned, or neither of us cared enough to address any substantive issues that might lead to an uncomfortable confrontation.

Veronica, thanks so much for sharing your experiences with your family. Of course, we all want our family and friends to be healthy and happy. It's always heartbreaking to watch them make poor diet and lifestyle choices that jeopardize their health and possibly their life. Of course, you cannot change someone who does not want to change, but we all want to believe if we care enough and nag them enough, we can convince them to make healthier choices, so they can be with us for as long as possible.

I'm here in Toronto visiting family right now. Myself and 4 siblings are super grateful my mother has been cooking healthy Chinese dishes for..the past 40 years (I do have memories of eating Chinese version of pork fat cracklings. ) because my dying father (on last ditch effort of chemotherapy which is weakening him after all his cancer) continues to need this. If this is judgemental of me as their eldest daughter: I went to visit my parents this past wk. and ate the same food as my father....and could see nothing has changed: it is my mother's healthy cooking, thank god. Thank god we don't have to tell our elderly parents how to cook healthy, when they have other issues to handle as each month grows more and more difficult.

I saw a sister whom I haven't seen for a year in person. We went to museum, dinner. I noticed she had been wearing lovely voluminous chiffon tops and another top underneath. Then I asked her in neutral tones: Are you getting a little tummy? The rest of her body is thin but she is getting a sizeable belly that she is wearing these tops to mask it. Her belly /tummy is extending well over 8 inches out. She told me her fibroids returned again. They have been growing for the past 3 years but this is the first time I knew of this 2nd larger growth. She had one large one removed 25 years ago. Anyway, her gynaecologist really wants her to have surgery. She already had D & C 8 years ago...which I had no idea before. I simply said that these larger fibroids might be crowding some other organs. She knows that and has been trying to figure out the right "time". She's trying to put it off...until menopause. But I told her it could 5-10 yrs. off since her periods are still strong. Then I changed the subject after I told her that I was in menopause but it took a few years....

She is my sister --2 yrs. younger than I. She is the natural comic/clown sibling.

Marie, I have siblings who do really we tell each other off when we need to, but lately we're more civilized. I guess it's age. But I have also lost 1 sister already and keeping our mouths shut /wondering what on earth is going on without saying anything has proven to be a mistake/costly for a loved one. She died by suicide and none of us knew how deeply depressed /how long it went on. As a result of her death, amongst siblings we are more vigilant about each other.

My family is similar, sort of, I guess like yours. We have our dysfunctions and better/good times too. I feel incredibly lucky nevertheless to have siblings who all want to get together, party and talk up. I know I could entrust any of them to be my executors. Not all families are like this.

My friend continues to support some of the city's bike rides by sweeping, etc. We've done some mini rides since then. I don't plan to suggest that she talk to a doctor about detox /fasting unless she mentions it again. But it would only be a suggestion. She herself comes from a large (6 siblings) family like myself. Sometimes we eat at my place, other times at restaurants. I let her recommend places to eat because she seems to know of a lot more places to eat out. My home-cooked meals are partially my voluntary payback to her...because she drives a car for us when we eat out (in some cases far out in the suburbs from my place) and to me, it costs drive around, etc.