Saying nothing, not doing much is abit difficult

[MarieV]

Well, I just spent the last hour or so reading through this entire thread. First, let me say how wonderful it is to be part of a community where people can voice their opinions but respectfully disagree, and hopefully, we can all learn from one another.

I agree with Amy that we all probably bring our "own baggage and defensiveness" to these discussions, but that being said, I don't think Jean (shootingstar) was being overly judgmental or condescending in her original post. Maybe that's because I come from a judgmental Asian family, so I don't even notice it, but I think she really just wanted to know what to make of her friend not wanting to shop at the farmers market when she buys organic at the store. From my own personal experience, I feel lucky that I can get amazingly fresh eggs, produce, fish, meat, etc., year round at our local farmers markets here in Seattle. However, if I ever took my very traditional, conservative Filipino family (who live in San Diego) to the farmers market, they would ask me why I don't just go to the grocery store. They would think there's something sketchy about buying food from these "random people" in the street, as if the "clean" and packaged food at the grocery store is guaranteed to be safe and better for you. Of course, once you have fresh produce from the farmers market, it's hard to buy grocery store produce. Once I started growing my own heirloom tomatoes, they had such amazing flavor compared to totally tasteless store-bought and restaurant tomatoes, I can't even bring myself to eat tomatoes other than what I grow.

And if Jean's friend has shown her literature about detox diets, then she probably also expressed interest in losing weight. I have a friend who was advised by her naturopath (who is also mine) to go on a detox diet because of severe allergies, digestion and iron absorption issues, exhaustion, etc. The naturopath walked her through what the detox would entail, essentially a special liquid diet and fasting for a week to clear her system of toxins and allergens, which were taxing her immune system. Detox diets aren't weight-loss alternatives; they're usually fasting regimens to "reboot" your body. And the average person may not be able to work and carry out his/her regular day-to-day activities when completing a real detox diet. Jean, if your friend really wants to try a detox diet, she should work with a naturopath or an informed medical professional who can really explain the process to her.

And if Jean's friend goes out to eat a lot and she mostly prefers greasy pizza and Chinese food, then it is a problem. We've all succumbed to "bad food" cravings and it's totally normal to want that burger, pizza, ice cream, etc., once in a while, but most of us are old enough to know there's payback if that's all you eat day in and day out. Yes, it's usually cheaper and much better to shop for fresh food and cook most of your meals, and as a teacher, I love having summers off when I can do just that. But when the school year starts, DH and I both work too much, and I always have a stack of lab reports to grade, we usually don't have the energy to make our own meals more than a few times a week. We definitely go out to eat and get prepared meals more often than we should, but we still try to make healthy choices. Jean, I think it's great that you invite your friend over and cook her homemade meals, and she probably loves that--I know I do when we have friends invite us over for dinner. I would keep doing that and maybe even invite her to cook with you or hang out with you when you're cooking. One of my friends is an amazing cook, and when I watch her cook, I'm always surprised how easy some of her dishes are to prepare when they taste so incredible. If she shows no interest in cooking, are there restaurants you can go to with her where they have really flavorful and healthier food? Maybe she's stuck in a rut but possibly open to new experiences, including eating healthier food.

And I would invite her to go on more bike rides with you. If she golfs and kayaks, then she's probably open to cycling more. She won't be as strong or as fast as you at the start, but she'll get stronger. Soon the two of you will be able to go on longer rides together, so you can hang out while being more active.

I don't know if I agree that it's always best to bite your tongue and never express an opinion your friend might construe as judgmental. I guess it depends on the kind of friendship you have, whether you and your friend hate confrontation, or if you both like to argue and won't be offended by such an exchange. My family has always been melodramatic and confrontational. Even now whenever we all get together, there's always a lot of yelling and crying over the most trivial things, then it always blows over and we're all good. My closest friendships are with women with whom I usually have a lot in common and who help me gain insight about myself and other people, but we can still argue and trust each other enough to know one of us may criticize with the intent to help, not to attack or hurt, the other person. In contrast, friendships often didn't last when we had little in common, felt like we always had to hold back because the other person was thin-skinned, or neither of us cared enough to address any substantive issues that might lead to an uncomfortable confrontation.

Veronica, thanks so much for sharing your experiences with your family. Of course, we all want our family and friends to be healthy and happy. It's always heartbreaking to watch them make poor diet and lifestyle choices that jeopardize their health and possibly their life. Of course, you cannot change someone who does not want to change, but we all want to believe if we care enough and nag them enough, we can convince them to make healthier choices, so they can be with us for as long as possible.