Dear So and So

[Owlie]

Leaving this here.

[Xrayted]

You know, life could be worse. It's been better on occasion, it's been so effing hard many times. But today was a good day overall. Yeah, a good day.

[Xrayted]

Hmm. I've been spending a lot of time with someone who could really be someone extra special in my life for years to come. The kind of person who, no matter what, you at least know they should be a great friend at least. I have a hard time trusting these days though, after the last long "relationship" I was in. That one was personally destructive on so many levels. I didn't see it happening but it crept up on me slowly, an insidious worming into my brain and taking over of my natural senses to walk away and move on. And now... here is this exquisite creature who is my equal, grown up, handles life head on like I do, doesn't have to like everything I do but has a mind of her own and I am encouraged to have my own and stick to it. I don't have to tread delicately over every little or big thing anymore because she can handle it... and I'm realizing that I still have these Easter Eggs in my brain yet from the last one... They sneak their way out every now and again and I stop and take a moment and think... where did that come from? Oh, yeah. There. Wow. What conditioning I've gone through that now has to be recognized, thought about and dealt with so I can overcome it? So much of it is so foreign to my normal nature that I'm just stunned when it sneaks out. It has taken me the better part of a year to let down some of my defenses and relax and breathe and know that I'm so much stronger alone than I ever was with that person. I've dealt with some really big things over the last year. From Mom's cancer coming back and handling everything from 2600 miles away to how I talk to people in my life. Things even from when I was a kid or young adult have come full circle. I've made peace or at least stopped hurting so badly and started truly healing instead of pushing it under and acting like I'm okay. Which, I think, is what many of us do. We don't have time for that **** right now. So... Let's push it under and it will just go away. It doesn't. Just so you know. It really doesn't.

Since I haven't had some extremely needy person to care for nonstop, every minute, I've had time for me. Which is why I moved out to OR for over 7 years ago in the first place. My first instinct was to stay single for a while, get my own head back on straight, start my whole life over and choose my own distinct direction. And then if someone happens to fall into that direction nicely, try a relationship. But, that's not what I did. I had someone so needy in every way imaginable fall into my life and, being someone who is a care giver and can't say no, I went down that path and lost myself further than I've ever been lost. I regret that. I really can say that I totally regret that decision. I help people everyday as part of my career. I help total strangers out of politeness and that it's the right thing to do. Stop, extend a hand to your fellow man, leave them better off than when you first met them if you can. It's how we do things back where I'm from. They would do the same back for you. Because they were brought up that way as well and you can count on it being just out of kindness. I thought everyone was like that. I was naive. Some people really just want everything they can get and then when you can't give anymore, they move on to a new one who can give and give until they too are bled dry in every way. I pity people who feel they have to do that to others. It must be such a horrible existence. They will never find what they are looking for because it doesn't exist.

I've been going to counseling for a while now, and I'm glad I did it. I had a friend send me to her and it was the right fit. That means a lot. I've been taking my own path, adventuring out into the world, making new friends, hanging with the old ones now that I give myself permission to. And moving forward and in a positive direction. Getting back to my roots and growing new ones as well. I've been biking more. Kayaking. Paddle boarding. Taking classes. Napping. Smiling a whole lot more. Flying or driving off out of the blue and seeing what is out there. I've paid off all of my debt and found out that I have disposable income now that I'm single. Lol. Got closer to some special friends in my life and I appreciate everything they've helped me with and didn't say... I told you so. Just hugged me, took my hand and helped guide me to the path and encouraged me to walk it.

So, now I'm in this interesting crossroad in my life. I've never liked being in Portland OR much. No offense PDX'ers but it has never felt like "home" to me. Part of that was the disconnected way I had to live with my ex. Part of it is... I'm no hipster and I never want to be. There. I said it. I'm not a city girl at all. Never will be. But in my profession, I need to be near enough to a city for the job. And there is such a place. I've found it. I'd like to continue on my single path a while longer so I'll get a few room mates for a while and make sure that I'm not rushing the relationship. You see PDX, I prefer to hang on a few acres, take my bikes out on the trails that run all around, play with the dog, chase the cats out of the barn, ride horses, clean the barn, buck hay for the winter feeding, put in fence, pull it back out and put it in correctly, drive the tractor, mow the acreage with my iPod in my ears and tune into my own world while tuning out the rest for a bit, crank up the chainsaw and trim back the firs and pines, watch the sunset from the deck while having a soft hand to hold on one side and a margarita in the other. I don't need to be the first to hear a band. I'm okay with what I have and don't need to collect stuff to prove I'm successful. As a matter of fact, I've given away a ton of stuff I that I don't need. I just want to walk barefoot in the freshly munched grass, handing out a carrot every now and again, have one of the horses lay their head on my shoulder and fall asleep there as I sit on the fence and feel the earth around me during breakfast. I choose this path. With this person. I hope it works out for a long time. But if it's meant to be friendship, I welcome it with open arms. Because she's just that damn cool. And because I'm just fine the way I am. It's nice to finally know it and accept it.

[Pax]

Loved reading that, X.

[Eden]

Sigh….. Why do people have to suck so much…. so I went to the garden store today, bought some plants, some compost and a new door mat. When I got back I parked my wagon near my front porch (and my raised beds) and went in to get a pot and some gardening tools to plant what I purchased. By the time I got back out front someone had stolen my door mat - REALLY PEOPLE- you need to steal a door mat? Yeah it was cool, but come on. Keep your sticky fingers off stuff that doesn't belong to you.

[salsabike]

Ugh, Eden. That really stinks.

[malkin]

A doormat?!
What is wrong with people!?