Dear So and So

[Xrayted]

Dear So and So, congratulations for finally finding yourself and realizing that you are worthy and a decent person and you deserve real love and a tender relationship. You had a pretty rocky time of it over the years. Losing Dad at a young age, getting killed yourself only few years after that (and brought back), then losing THE ONE that made you look at life with new eyes - to a drunk driver, to crawling back into your hole thinking you must have deserved that somehow and just taking what came and settling for way too long, to meeting someone who mentored you and made you realize that you are okay the way you were born, to falling for the wrong one on so many levels but still trying to make it work in spite of knowing better, to getting your heart ripped out so viciously by that person, to almost finding yourself but then getting sidetracked by someone who turned out to be a negative vortex, to NOW. To putting your foot down and saying... no more. I deserve better and I won't settle for less, I deserve to be loved, to love someone fully without reservation or regret or the threat of hurt...because you just figured out that only you can hurt you. And you choose instead to nurture and love yourself no matter what. So here we are, us, we... me. Just me. Figuring out that "just me" is perfectly okay just the way I am. I can't wait to see what happens from here. The hopeless romantic in me will make more mistakes and the intelligent introspective adult will learn from those mistakes and keep evolving. Because, I'm a work in progress and I'm bound to just keep getting better and better.

[OakLeaf]

Aw, X, I'm so sorry that the person who seemed so promising at first turned so sour for you. That stinks. Good for you for taking care of yourself, though. Wishing you all happiness, and that it comes to you very soon.

[emily_in_nc]

And take out a restraining order if he harasses or stalks you. Be careful -- he sounds volatile.

[Catrin]

X - be cautious!!!!

My trip home to my nieces wedding was very nice. Very simple backyard wedding, and our wine glasses the night before the wedding were mason jars

I am no longer concerned about my sister's husband. He is a good old country boy who isn't quite right - but that doesn't make him dangerous. Some would probably say that about me I do think he "enhanced" the nature of his previous employment to impress my sister and is now stuck, not knowing how to own up to it as things moved so quickly. Wouldn't be the first time that's happened in the world of relationships. From his perspective he is in heaven as he WAS living in a camper on the side of a mountain with intermittent electricity.

I AM concerned about my sister, her behavior is very concerning. I don't really think he is the cause of that, neither does our other sister now we've had a chance to observe things for a few days. Nothing we can do about this however but to be supportive and see what happens. If I could have gotten her alone for a talk I might have asked about some of the strangeness, but that proved impossible and might have been for the best. Things are as they are, and there is nothing I can really do about it. She appears to be happy, regardless of her unusual behavior, and is once again in a situation where she must take care of someone with multiple health problems. That seems to be her comfort zone after taking care of our mom for so many years. It is what it is.

[Crankin]

Repetition compulsion. It's hard not be compelled to repeat the same patterns of behavior over and over, usually in relation to being the "rescuer" of someone who is struggling, or has some kind of emotional/physical health issues. Sometimes, jokingly named the "bad boy" syndrome. Like, when someone can't stay away from bad boy types.
Common in trauma survivors.

[Catrin]

Repetition compulsion. It's hard not be compelled to repeat the same patterns of behavior over and over, usually in relation to being the "rescuer" of someone who is struggling, or has some kind of emotional/physical health issues. Sometimes, jokingly named the "bad boy" syndrome. Like, when someone can't stay away from bad boy types.
Common in trauma survivors.

Thanks Crankin, I've been thinking the same thing - I had some personal experience with this back in the day (I liked the bad boys). The man is missing a foot and has had several organs transplanted, and she is a nurse, so 6 months after our mom passed she is back in the "care giver" mode. She does appear very happy with everything so I am not about to rain on her parade without being asked/without evidence of abuse.

[Xrayted]

Thanks for your concern. She has serious mental issues that she needs to address. The mental games she played with me after the first few weeks was just unbelievable. After talking to a counselor and friends, I came to my senses and realized that she was really messing with me. The fact that she dumped me on the day my Mom's biopsy results came back because I couldn't give her my full attention, just reassures me that I made the right decision to walk away. She just happened to say it first. I'm okay and I have plenty of support here and outside of the area. Thanks.

As for your sister, she's a big girl. You can't show her a path that she isn't prepared to take yet. And what makes you think she isn't happy just because she took on a responsibility for another human being that you maybe wouldn't have? The nurse in her says this is right, the woman in her told her this is right, the human in her told her this is right. It may be right "right now" or "forever". No way to know. She is getting something out of it. He is too. As long as both agree that it works, just allow them to be happy. Not everyone who lives the way he was is a bad person. Most aren't. They just have had no one to be there when they needed it the most. I think whatever this guy went through, he still kept a roof over his head and in doing so, also kept a bit of his dignity. Allow him the rest and the bounce back now by giving him a bit of respect and encouragement. Don't look down on him, help raise him up. You seem to be on this path in your heart, now turn it into action. There are tons of people out there who just need someone to believe in them again and they will soar.