Dear So and So

[Catrin]

The rest of the story is our mom died in September, and the sister in question and her were tied at the hip in a very dysfunctional relationship for many years. My sister's personality has always been on the rigid side and very controlled. Our mom was, I will just say that she was ill and leave it at that. So she met this guy on a Christian dating site a couple of months after Mom passed, and while I don't care WHERE she met him, things went very fast. I mean the happiest married couple I know started out as a mail order bride advertisement from eastern Europe 30+ years ago! THEY took much longer to tie the knot however, they took time with each other.

So I am hearing from both niece and my baby sister. My youngest sister is flying out to help my niece with her wedding, I wish that I could afford to do that but it is good that one of her aunts is with her. My youngest sister, who has a hot temper, has already gone off on the sister in question and told her exactly what she thinks of the marriage and of her treatment of her daughter. I am trying very hard not to do that as it isn't productive, and I've not actually met anyone yet. So, as of now, I will be staying with my sister and her menagerie and new family for two nights. I want to go into the situation with as open a mind as possible. I was the rebellious/trouble-maker/self-destructive one back in the day and I know how easy it can be for the wrong type of person to take advantage of someone when that person is vulnerable - which is what I am concerned has happened to her. Back in the day I had an invisible sign on my back that said "all sociopaths apply here", so I know how things can go.

I will be traveling down in two weeks, and having lunch with my niece and other sister before I see her and meet this new family. I want to be able to look at the situation objectively - it may simply be that this quirky man she has married really IS the right guy for her, but I've concerns. Not that I can do anything about them.

Thanks for the thoughtful responses, and if anyone has dealt with something like this, or helpful thoughts on how best to approach this situation when I go down there please don't hesitate to let me know - and messages are fine if you prefer.

[Crankin]

I really think, speaking with my professional hat on, that you are going in with the right attitude. While your *suspicions* may be right, there's nothing to be gained from rushing in and doing an "intervention," that might very well end up ruining your niece's wedding. You want to observe the whole situation in person. And although it may be just as you suspect, there may not be much you can do. If your sister was mentally incapacitated to the point of not being able to take care of herself (i.e. hygiene, daily tasks, safety) or there was a question of some kind of abuse in the home (to her, or to a child or elder), or substance abuse, you might be able to force the issue. However, people make poor choices like this all of the time and there's not really much you can do to stop it, except to tell the person how you feel, recommend therapy, and let her know that you are there for her. It sounds like she had issues before, that might not be easily solved, and if I were you, I would focus on making sure your niece has a nice wedding!
And, just to re-iterate something I've said before, I met my DH on 6/27, we moved in together on 8/1, got engaged on 8/28, and married on 12/8. Thirty four and a half years later, we're still married and happy. DH's family tried to tell him there was something evil about me, something so bad, that he would eventually find out, or I would leave him, because I was from a "high class" family. So, you never know.

[Catrin]

Crankin - thanks for your thoughts on this, it is appreciated. I am really looking forward to seeing my niece get married I've met her young man and I really like him!

[Xrayted]

Dear So and So... You started out fantastic. You were funny and loving and silly. And then at some point, you just shifted into this other person. Totally different.

So, it didn't work out. I tried my best but there are things I just won't allow into my life again. Negativity and psychological mind **cking isn't allowed. Picking a fight every time I saw you and then blaming me for it isn't allowed. Making me feel bad and like I owe you something isn't allowed. Pushing me to move too quickly and then being offended when I say I'm not ready to move in with you after only 1.5 mo of dating isn't allowed. Being a total prick over every thing isn't allowed. Pushing my buttons daily and then telling me I have some kind of mental condition... not allowed. Then when I find out that my Mom's cancer came back,I fell apart and barely held it together enough to go to work and then you attacked my family and called them names... Really not **cking allowed.

I was going to dump you but you beat me to it when you felt like I wasn't paying enough attention to you and you texted me to take care of my family sh!t and then call you sometime... the day I found out the biopsy results that it is stage 4. I gladly walked away from you and your bull$h!t. I had a drink or three and was relieved. I tried to be decent to you in spite of the total change that came over you during that short relationship. I simply asked you to leave me alone. No texts, no calls, no emails... you kept bugging me. Over and over and over and over... So, I nicely asked your friends to talk to you. You got aggressive with them too and they walked. Some never to return. I put you on the block list for my phone. Yesterday, out of the blue, you emailed me again. You are now pushing your luck with my nice side. I've moved on and I'm happy. Get over it and move along. There is nothing here for you ever again. Respect that. There is no option on that.

[Xrayted]

Dear So and So, congratulations for finally finding yourself and realizing that you are worthy and a decent person and you deserve real love and a tender relationship. You had a pretty rocky time of it over the years. Losing Dad at a young age, getting killed yourself only few years after that (and brought back), then losing THE ONE that made you look at life with new eyes - to a drunk driver, to crawling back into your hole thinking you must have deserved that somehow and just taking what came and settling for way too long, to meeting someone who mentored you and made you realize that you are okay the way you were born, to falling for the wrong one on so many levels but still trying to make it work in spite of knowing better, to getting your heart ripped out so viciously by that person, to almost finding yourself but then getting sidetracked by someone who turned out to be a negative vortex, to NOW. To putting your foot down and saying... no more. I deserve better and I won't settle for less, I deserve to be loved, to love someone fully without reservation or regret or the threat of hurt...because you just figured out that only you can hurt you. And you choose instead to nurture and love yourself no matter what. So here we are, us, we... me. Just me. Figuring out that "just me" is perfectly okay just the way I am. I can't wait to see what happens from here. The hopeless romantic in me will make more mistakes and the intelligent introspective adult will learn from those mistakes and keep evolving. Because, I'm a work in progress and I'm bound to just keep getting better and better.

[OakLeaf]

Aw, X, I'm so sorry that the person who seemed so promising at first turned so sour for you. That stinks. Good for you for taking care of yourself, though. Wishing you all happiness, and that it comes to you very soon.

[emily_in_nc]

And take out a restraining order if he harasses or stalks you. Be careful -- he sounds volatile.