Teenagers and sleepovers

[rebeccaC]

Since I’m probably a few years away from having children I can only write about my experience with teen sex and how my parents affected that experience.

My parents taught me emotional intelligent skills throughout my youth, instilled self-confidence and worth, were willing to openly discuss sexual matters and gave me the freedom to form my own opinions and make my own decisions. They trusted me and that trust probably made me more responsible! When I started having safer (I don’t use the word safe) sex it was because I wanted to experience it, enjoyed it and it was without guilt. For your question…occasionally there was sex during a sleepover but sleepovers were usually about being together and enjoying the company of my friends…..well, that's if no one brought drama

My mother was and still is always open to any conversation I want to have regarding my sex life.

[lph]

Thank you all! I appreciate your varied and honest responses.

[Crankin]

My position is exactly like the one Wahine's ex had. She articulated it much better. It's research based. But, it's also how I really feel. Although most parents don't want to believe it, kids have sex! My mom was also very open to discussing this stuff with me (heck, it was the late sixties), and that was my model.
Lph, my son slept over a girl's house after graduation. They camped out in her backyard. Of course, he was 18 by then, but neither us or her parents thought anything about it. They were super friends all through high school and then went to different colleges in the same town (she went to Smith, a single gender school, and he used to visit her all of the time there) and remained great friends. I think he really liked her in a more serious way, but I never squashed any of it. Come to think of it, this same son had a mixed gender sleep over after the junior prom. There were 6 of them, who slept in our basement. They were couples, but my son's date was just a friend. They were 16-17 and we drove them to the prom, and they even called us to come pick them up early! DS was driving then, but the rules don't allow people under 18 to drive unrelated teens in the car. I made them French toast in the morning and it was no big deal.

[Melalvai]

My daughter didn't really like to have sleepovers at all so it didn't even come up until her first boyfriend a few months ago. Since she had already asked me about birth control, I just figured they'd be more comfortable in a house than in the back of a car. I don't think his mom feels the same way but I didn't ask her. I think when she stays at his house, they are theoretically housed in separate rooms but they "stay up" all night in his room or some fiction like that.

My parents made some attempt to house the boyfriend in a separate room from the daughter when my sister first brought a boy home but I guess they gave up on that by the time I brought a boy home.

Edit: My daughter was almost 17 when she started dating. I was 18 when I brought my boyfriend home from college.

[Blueberry]

My mother continued the separate room fiction while I was in college, when we had been living together (and supporting ourselves) for 3 years. :roll eyes: I wasn't even allowed to have a boy over to watch a movie, much less sleep over. For many reasons, we still don't have a great relationship.

I think you have received some great advice here - advice I would try to implement if I were a parent. I definitely believe that having early and open communication is key (and was something lacking in my interactions with my mother across the board).

[Irulan]

lph, you asked about legal issues. It comes down to statutory rape laws, which can be applied even if sex is consensual.

If only.... all parents had a model like Wahine's to follow.

Unfortunately, not all parents follow that, as in allowing/not allowing sleepovers without modeling or discussion; sometimes allowing it out of pure parental neglect or self absorption. As in, not paying attention to what is really going on their lives. My parents were like this, so absorbed in their own crap that I was given no boundaries. They were pretty oblivious to the fact that I was 15 and hanging out with guys in their 20s. Or, if they noticed they were too deep into their own problems to deal with it.. You'd think that might have gotten their attention? Hah.
I had the bizarre experiences of twice being told I couldn't sleep over with SO at gay homes because we were straight - one was where my mother lived, another was a friend of SOs. And then SO's ultra conservative parents wouldn't let us sleep over because we weren't married. Granted this was years ago but I've never forgotten the feeling of "just can't win" one.

I feel fortunate in that with my nerdy boys, now 24 & 27 it never came up until oldest son had a long term live so it was a non-issue for us.

[shootingstar]

I'm not a parent but my partner is.

I remember being amazed when his then 17 yr. old son shared his bedroom with his girlfriend (same age) several times.

The discussion on birth control needs to come up sooner, not later, no matter what is decided by parent on sleepovers.

Though hormones are raging then, at the same time, some of these kids hang out in big crowds (at least his 2 kids each did) and have many friends that do lots of (harmless) stuff together. The advantage of 2 near adult teens at home with parents around...is that you know they aren't getting drunk (which can lead to weird/terrible stuff when no parents are around).

I'm sorry to bring in alcohol into this but there have been some highly publicized just awful stuff in the cities where I've lived involving teens.