Host- guest customs

[Melalvai]

My daughter just wants to be able to see her boyfriend and will do whatever it takes. If she has to jump through hoops to deliver her apology in a manner his mom will accept, she will.

I advised her to wait to attempt a 2nd apology, because I thought everyone could use some time to cool down. She's got several tests and finals coming up, and doesn't need the distraction of melodrama. I try not give unsolicited advice, especially to her, but this time I did, and she listened to me.

I talked to a friend of mine who lives in his town, and she offered for either or both of them to stay with her if that is needed.

I get the feeling that the boyfriend is on the verge of severing relations with his parents. The fact that they still do support him financially and that he is very close to his little brother is all that's keeping him from doing that. Of course I only know his side of it, as told through his girlfriend. But they should be careful or they'll drive him away completely.

The hardest part for me is that there is really nothing I can do. Well, nothing I ought to do! I had quite a few imaginary conversations in my head where I gave his mom a piece of my mind. But of course I wouldn't really talk to her, the kids have to work this out for themselves. (I did quietly unfriend her on facebook.) My daughter has had a really difficult time adjusting to college. Her first semester was very hard. Her first roommate didn't work out, at the mostly-male engineering school she didn't make friends right away, the classes were difficult, and she was so homesick & lonely. She got pretty depressed. When she came home Saturday night she was on cloud 9, happier than I've seen her all semester. Then she got up Sunday morning and told me "His mom thinks I'm rude and that I'm a terrible guest". Right back to upset & depressed. It's awful to feel so helpless when she's suffering.

But only 2 more weeks and then she'll be home for winter break.

[goldfinch]

You are a good mother, Melalvai.

[shootingstar]

A predominantly male student faculty, where engineering would take some adjustment..even for the strongest of young women. (unless she socialized alot with guys alot prior to university).

I don't know about engineering in the U.S., but the top university undergraduate engineering faculties in Canada, make the lst year tough: it is deliberate to create the bell curve/weed out who don't belong academically. Then later years, are abit easier.

Confirmed from: my dearie who has his civil engineering degree. 2nd confirmed from my brother-in-law who is assistant professor for one of the engineering university faculties in Toronto. He's been teaching there for the past decade. I asked latter and was amazed it was still true.

[Owlie]

Poor kid. (Kid? She's not that much younger than I am...) I went to a university that is well-known for its engineering program (though I didn't go for engineering), mostly male and had a hard time adjusting. (I had a roommate that seemed to live on cheap tequila, for one thing.) My first year was rough. And I am friends with enough engineers to know that engineering school is also rough.

Does she come home often? Is she involved on campus? (I know, the first year it's hard to get involved, especially with the workload.) Does she have friends there now and a better living situation? It may be an adjustment issue, but I'd ask her to take a look into counseling at the university just to make sure. I think how your daughter feels is how I've been feeling most of this semester. Counseling definitely helped.

[shootingstar]

I had counselling (related to personal matters plus choice of studies) during my 2nd yr. in university and for certain, it helped me ...for life. That's how important it was for myself --it helped me become stronger and more self-aware.

Both of these 2 guys now engineers, did affirm it was tough for them with a heavy workload in undergrad. years. My partner was one of the quieter guys at that time, he wasn't your frat boy: he was also holding down a part-time job close to home (because his parents were poor and he did not have scholarship himself) and lived 50 km. away from university, as a full time student.

[Melalvai]

A few weeks ago she did take advantage of the campus counseling services. I was so impressed because she did that pretty independently, only asking me about the mechanics of it (ie, was insurance involved--no). She goes to Rolla, and they are up front that the first year is to weed them out. She got involved with the rock climbing club for a while, but when all the other women dropped out, she wasn't comfortable being the only female so she dropped that too. She is in band, which proved to be less socially rewarding than we anticipated. Her new roommate has a lot more in common with her, and a couple others have taken her under their wing, so things did get better in November.

She's not going to flunk anything, but I will not be surprised if she loses scholarships. But maybe not; her courses next semester seem more reasonable-- maybe-- math is her strength but she'll be in Calc II, which has taken down many strong souls!

[OakLeaf]

Well, there is something I do know something about. Because I've forgotten every single thing I learned in multivariate calculus, except one: few, if any, human beings can imagine what something looks like in seven dimensions. I vividly remember the engineering students struggling, because they were trying to visualize the problems, as I sailed through it with my very abstract thinking. If she thinks of calculus as more akin to poetry than to physics, I think she'll find it much easier.