Host- guest customs

[PamNY]

I don't have children, so I don't have the family perspective. But these people sound like control freaks. I can't imagine asking a guest to clean the bathroom -- or do much of anything regarding housework, really.

I don't like guests pitching in to help very much at all (got that from my mother) so perhaps I have a bias.

Hope this is resolved without additional distress to your daughter.

[goldfinch]

I would wonder what the BF's take is on all of this. Is he going to stand up to his parents and visit your daughter even if they forbid it? What is going to be the consequence if he does? Your daughter and her BF need to talk this through.

[Crankin]

My kids aren't guests in my home, and now that they are married, their wives aren't, either. They both helped in appropriate ways a couple of weeks ago when both were here. DS #1 and his wife, often stayed here when they were dating and they had a commuter relationship. That situation was probably more like a guest thing, and she followed my son's lead. I don't have guests often, but I don't find it onerous. The only time I required anything more than clean up after yourself with my kids was last spring when DS #1 and his wife stayed here after going to a wedding near my house. As pre-arranged, we met them there at the end, DH took them back here, and I drove their car back here, as they had been drinking. DIL got sick in the night and tried cleaning up in the middle of the night. DH went into the bathroom and saw she had not done such a good job, which sent DIL into a frenzy of cleaning, as she felt horrible! I love cooking for others, and don't expect them to clean up, although they offer to help. We mostly go out, or take turns cooking and paying for restaurants.
My kids always write thank you notes to others, and perhaps having a Bar Mitzvah at age 13 and having to write 50-100 thank you notes seared it into their brain! The rule was to write 5 a night, until they were done. My older son ran for class secretary based on his thank you note writing skills! The class laughed at his speech. Two years ago, he single handedly planned and pulled off the ten yr. reunion. I told him it was payback for all the organizing I had to do for him. Seriously, give your kids more credit. I know some 18 year olds need more parental guidance than others, but if you do the talking and teaching along the way, it's not so bad.

[Melalvai]

My daughter just wants to be able to see her boyfriend and will do whatever it takes. If she has to jump through hoops to deliver her apology in a manner his mom will accept, she will.

I advised her to wait to attempt a 2nd apology, because I thought everyone could use some time to cool down. She's got several tests and finals coming up, and doesn't need the distraction of melodrama. I try not give unsolicited advice, especially to her, but this time I did, and she listened to me.

I talked to a friend of mine who lives in his town, and she offered for either or both of them to stay with her if that is needed.

I get the feeling that the boyfriend is on the verge of severing relations with his parents. The fact that they still do support him financially and that he is very close to his little brother is all that's keeping him from doing that. Of course I only know his side of it, as told through his girlfriend. But they should be careful or they'll drive him away completely.

The hardest part for me is that there is really nothing I can do. Well, nothing I ought to do! I had quite a few imaginary conversations in my head where I gave his mom a piece of my mind. But of course I wouldn't really talk to her, the kids have to work this out for themselves. (I did quietly unfriend her on facebook.) My daughter has had a really difficult time adjusting to college. Her first semester was very hard. Her first roommate didn't work out, at the mostly-male engineering school she didn't make friends right away, the classes were difficult, and she was so homesick & lonely. She got pretty depressed. When she came home Saturday night she was on cloud 9, happier than I've seen her all semester. Then she got up Sunday morning and told me "His mom thinks I'm rude and that I'm a terrible guest". Right back to upset & depressed. It's awful to feel so helpless when she's suffering.

But only 2 more weeks and then she'll be home for winter break.

[goldfinch]

You are a good mother, Melalvai.

[shootingstar]

A predominantly male student faculty, where engineering would take some adjustment..even for the strongest of young women. (unless she socialized alot with guys alot prior to university).

I don't know about engineering in the U.S., but the top university undergraduate engineering faculties in Canada, make the lst year tough: it is deliberate to create the bell curve/weed out who don't belong academically. Then later years, are abit easier.

Confirmed from: my dearie who has his civil engineering degree. 2nd confirmed from my brother-in-law who is assistant professor for one of the engineering university faculties in Toronto. He's been teaching there for the past decade. I asked latter and was amazed it was still true.

[Owlie]

Poor kid. (Kid? She's not that much younger than I am...) I went to a university that is well-known for its engineering program (though I didn't go for engineering), mostly male and had a hard time adjusting. (I had a roommate that seemed to live on cheap tequila, for one thing.) My first year was rough. And I am friends with enough engineers to know that engineering school is also rough.

Does she come home often? Is she involved on campus? (I know, the first year it's hard to get involved, especially with the workload.) Does she have friends there now and a better living situation? It may be an adjustment issue, but I'd ask her to take a look into counseling at the university just to make sure. I think how your daughter feels is how I've been feeling most of this semester. Counseling definitely helped.

[shootingstar]

I had counselling (related to personal matters plus choice of studies) during my 2nd yr. in university and for certain, it helped me ...for life. That's how important it was for myself --it helped me become stronger and more self-aware.

Both of these 2 guys now engineers, did affirm it was tough for them with a heavy workload in undergrad. years. My partner was one of the quieter guys at that time, he wasn't your frat boy: he was also holding down a part-time job close to home (because his parents were poor and he did not have scholarship himself) and lived 50 km. away from university, as a full time student.