Host- guest customs

[Irulan]

I have a couple of thoughts..
"dating most of a year" In my mind that moves out of the realm of houseguest and into the realm of something more.

Does "tidy up" the bathroom mean hang up your towel and get the hair out of the sink, or does it mean get on your hands and knees with the rubber gloves and the Lysol?

At my house especially with the young'uns... I totally expect them to help clean up, do dishes, strip their bed, tidy up as in, well, tidy up the bathroom. I do not expect them to do heavy cleaning. For certain, I am not running a hotel and and I do not wait on house guests.

These people sound manipulative and controlling. Maybe your daughter will see that.

[Owlie]

Uh, weird. I've been with my BF for nearly 6 years (so, practically family). Yes, a SO of an extended period of time falls into a gray area of "not a typical houseguest, but not quite family either" area. I've usually spent a week with BF's family at a time. I'd help with cooking (chopping stuff, stirring stuff, or I'd be in charge of a side dish), dishes, my own laundry if I did any (unless we did a load of cycling clothes), or tidying up the bathroom. (That mostly consists of "keep my stuff corralled and my hair out of the drain".) Now that we've been together longer, I have no problem with helping to clean the kitchen or something similar. I don't like touching other people's stuff without permission, so my helping out still ends up being "Where does this go? Where do you want this? I need to do x. Where is y?" Usually it's faster for BF to do it for me. (Yes, I've been visiting these people for a while and I still don't know where everything is...)

It was the same when we visited my parents when we were in college. He'd help with the cooking, strip his bed before he left, did his own laundry, and "keep the bathroom neat" is "don't leave soap and hair everywhere and hang up the bathmat when you're done." No "clean the bathroom" stuff.

That response from his mom... Who does that?

[lph]

Ok, the asking to help with a chore and being annoyed she forgot I guess you could chalk up to different house rules and child/adult distinction, and them treating your daughter as a family member more than a guest. But being openly furious afterwards and refusing to accept a written apology is just way beyond different customs. It's either incredibly rude, or there's something more behind this. Is there anything your daughter maybe didn't pick up on? Is there any way they have been annoyed at her for some time, for not helping out regularly when she visits, for instance? Or does she change the way they relate to their son? And are they used to having house guests? Some people (I'm one of them) enjoy visitors but it stresses them a lot.

I'm not defending them, just trying to understand their rather bizarre behaviour.

Helping out can be a fine line - when our son was small and my ILs would babysit, my MIL felt very free to "help out" at home. I didn't mind her straightening the kitchen and putting away the dishes, but when she started making our beds and picking up clothes in the bedroom I had to politely tell her to please, stay out... I like to help out too because it makes me feel useful, but I stay out of people's bedrooms!

[zoom-zoom]

Those people sound psychotic! If I were your DD I'd be thinking very hard on whether this is a family I want to be involved with long-term. Unfortunately, when we marry someone we are also marrying their family. My MIL is a royal PITA and has said and done some really exasperating things over the years that make me so envious of my friends with wonderful ILs. My MIL's obnoxiousness has not been a total deal-breaker (in large part because she has always lived out-of-state), but I have friends who have true "monster-in-laws" and it has caused irreparable damage to their marriages.

[PamNY]

I don't have children, so I don't have the family perspective. But these people sound like control freaks. I can't imagine asking a guest to clean the bathroom -- or do much of anything regarding housework, really.

I don't like guests pitching in to help very much at all (got that from my mother) so perhaps I have a bias.

Hope this is resolved without additional distress to your daughter.

[goldfinch]

I would wonder what the BF's take is on all of this. Is he going to stand up to his parents and visit your daughter even if they forbid it? What is going to be the consequence if he does? Your daughter and her BF need to talk this through.

[Crankin]

My kids aren't guests in my home, and now that they are married, their wives aren't, either. They both helped in appropriate ways a couple of weeks ago when both were here. DS #1 and his wife, often stayed here when they were dating and they had a commuter relationship. That situation was probably more like a guest thing, and she followed my son's lead. I don't have guests often, but I don't find it onerous. The only time I required anything more than clean up after yourself with my kids was last spring when DS #1 and his wife stayed here after going to a wedding near my house. As pre-arranged, we met them there at the end, DH took them back here, and I drove their car back here, as they had been drinking. DIL got sick in the night and tried cleaning up in the middle of the night. DH went into the bathroom and saw she had not done such a good job, which sent DIL into a frenzy of cleaning, as she felt horrible! I love cooking for others, and don't expect them to clean up, although they offer to help. We mostly go out, or take turns cooking and paying for restaurants.
My kids always write thank you notes to others, and perhaps having a Bar Mitzvah at age 13 and having to write 50-100 thank you notes seared it into their brain! The rule was to write 5 a night, until they were done. My older son ran for class secretary based on his thank you note writing skills! The class laughed at his speech. Two years ago, he single handedly planned and pulled off the ten yr. reunion. I told him it was payback for all the organizing I had to do for him. Seriously, give your kids more credit. I know some 18 year olds need more parental guidance than others, but if you do the talking and teaching along the way, it's not so bad.

[Melalvai]

My daughter just wants to be able to see her boyfriend and will do whatever it takes. If she has to jump through hoops to deliver her apology in a manner his mom will accept, she will.

I advised her to wait to attempt a 2nd apology, because I thought everyone could use some time to cool down. She's got several tests and finals coming up, and doesn't need the distraction of melodrama. I try not give unsolicited advice, especially to her, but this time I did, and she listened to me.

I talked to a friend of mine who lives in his town, and she offered for either or both of them to stay with her if that is needed.

I get the feeling that the boyfriend is on the verge of severing relations with his parents. The fact that they still do support him financially and that he is very close to his little brother is all that's keeping him from doing that. Of course I only know his side of it, as told through his girlfriend. But they should be careful or they'll drive him away completely.

The hardest part for me is that there is really nothing I can do. Well, nothing I ought to do! I had quite a few imaginary conversations in my head where I gave his mom a piece of my mind. But of course I wouldn't really talk to her, the kids have to work this out for themselves. (I did quietly unfriend her on facebook.) My daughter has had a really difficult time adjusting to college. Her first semester was very hard. Her first roommate didn't work out, at the mostly-male engineering school she didn't make friends right away, the classes were difficult, and she was so homesick & lonely. She got pretty depressed. When she came home Saturday night she was on cloud 9, happier than I've seen her all semester. Then she got up Sunday morning and told me "His mom thinks I'm rude and that I'm a terrible guest". Right back to upset & depressed. It's awful to feel so helpless when she's suffering.

But only 2 more weeks and then she'll be home for winter break.

[goldfinch]

You are a good mother, Melalvai.

[shootingstar]

A predominantly male student faculty, where engineering would take some adjustment..even for the strongest of young women. (unless she socialized alot with guys alot prior to university).

I don't know about engineering in the U.S., but the top university undergraduate engineering faculties in Canada, make the lst year tough: it is deliberate to create the bell curve/weed out who don't belong academically. Then later years, are abit easier.

Confirmed from: my dearie who has his civil engineering degree. 2nd confirmed from my brother-in-law who is assistant professor for one of the engineering university faculties in Toronto. He's been teaching there for the past decade. I asked latter and was amazed it was still true.

[Owlie]

Poor kid. (Kid? She's not that much younger than I am...) I went to a university that is well-known for its engineering program (though I didn't go for engineering), mostly male and had a hard time adjusting. (I had a roommate that seemed to live on cheap tequila, for one thing.) My first year was rough. And I am friends with enough engineers to know that engineering school is also rough.

Does she come home often? Is she involved on campus? (I know, the first year it's hard to get involved, especially with the workload.) Does she have friends there now and a better living situation? It may be an adjustment issue, but I'd ask her to take a look into counseling at the university just to make sure. I think how your daughter feels is how I've been feeling most of this semester. Counseling definitely helped.