Host- guest customs

[roo4]

I don't think I know enough about the situation to have an opinion. Mostly because I am completely biased on your behalf, but realize that the hosts may not be accustomed to having guests, or perhaps your daughter is messier than they anticipated. However, I recommend that you try hard to not show your feelings about it (which you mentioned is your approach as well). Have her write a gracious thank-you note and let time soften the rough edges. The guy in this story should rise to her defense as well, if not, perhaps this is not a viable long term relationship. Take the high road.

[azfiddle]

When my now 25 year old daughter has invited guests (friends or a boyfriend), I appreciate it if they offer to help with dishes and just pick up after themselves, but would never in a million years assign chores. It would be polite of a long term guest to offer to help with something little like that- and many times I would expect the host would say no thank you to anything bigger than dishes, etc. I can imagine what a nice surprise it would be if I cam home from work and found the living room or bathroom cleaned up (maybe as a team effort by daughter and friend) as a gesture of appreciation, but absolutely not expected. (In my house, that never happened, btw.)

So I think the bf's parents are a little out of line.

[lph]

Well, as a parent of a 16 yr old, it doesn't sound that unfamiliar. We're pretty big on doing chores and have a set rotation, that goes for everybody in the household. We wouldn't be past asking a house guest for a week to pitch in on our routine, but most likely it would be helping out with our son's chores that week. We would never ask a house guest to do something involving tidying away other people's things, though! And most importantly, we would never complain about it afterwards. And, as I mentioned, we have a 16 yr.old, not an 18. yr. old. Big difference.

Maybe they seem to exercise a lot of control on him because they have a lot of conflict with him around helping out at home, maybe he isn't as mature as your daughter. It sounds a little like they extended the way they treat him to the way they treated her. I can completely understand why you're upset, though, they took it too far imo.

[Veronica]

It drives me crazy when my in laws come to stay and my MIL wants to help with chores. It's extra work to tell her what to do. I finally offered that she could scoop the cat box. She declined. I do think it's weird that they asked her to clean the bathroom - unless she was the only one using it. That's just too personal of a place.

Veronica

[Melalvai]

She wrote out a very sincere apology last night & sent it to her boyfriend to deliver to his parents this morning. Mom rejected it and said "she can apologize to me in person". So she was going to call-- but I said carefully "I'm worried it might escalate. It might be better to wait a few days until you've both calmed down." To my astonishment, she listened to me, and decided to wait.

For being so young, and for starting out as a high school romance, they are very serious about each other. I was predicting (quietly) that it wouldn't last being apart in college, but they are still very much in love. Given that both sets of parents met & married young, and we're both coming up on 20+ yr anniversaries, well, I wouldn't want to make any predictions for them now. Therefore, these very well could be in-laws. I hope this is just a phase, that they're having trouble to adjusting to the new reality of their son as an adult, and that it won't be contentious for decades to come.

Thanks for the support. This sort of thing always sucks to deal with, but I hadn't given much thought to having to watch HER deal with it. Mama Bear wants to defend the cub.

[Blueberry]

She wrote out a very sincere apology last night & sent it to her boyfriend to deliver to his parents this morning. Mom rejected it and said "she can apologize to me in person". So she was going to call-- but I said carefully "I'm worried it might escalate. It might be better to wait a few days until you've both calmed down." To my astonishment, she listened to me, and decided to wait.

I think this says it all. Who rejects a thank you note out of hand? Good luck dealing with this. I agree that their approach seems over-bearing - but this is just too much!

[Veronica]

That's not a very mature response from his mother. I've always thought a written apology was worth more than a spoken one. If I had a dollar for every time a student said "I'm sorry," without really meaning it, I could probably buy another new mountain bike. His mother should not be treating your daughter like a child, but maybe she's still figuring the relationship out.

Veronica