Getting back in the saddle....

[Blueberry]

In early July, a close friend and neighbor of mine was killed while on his bike by a hit and run driver. The driver was arrested the next day, had 2 pending DWI charges (from other dates - we don't know whether he was drunk when he killed my friend), and is still in jail awaiting trial/a plea/etc. The hit and run (I *refuse* to call it an accident) occurred less than a mile from my house (though on a road I usually do not ride).

It took me until this week to be able to get back on a bike *at all* other than on a trainer. I finally went for an outside ride a few days ago (short). But - last night, DH has a scary incident with a driver about half a mile from our house (she passed him with about 6 inches of room in a neck down on the road). We called the police, and they talked to her (since she lives about 3 blocks away). They also gave her a parking ticket since she was parked illegally when they found the vehicle. But - there's not a report of any kind - which is scary because these neck downs are being put in *all over* our area and they are very scary for cyclists (a whole 'nother issue).

But....the whole thing has left me 1) out of shape and 2) extremely skittish about riding. I have no idea where to even start with building up my outside riding (since my trainer miles don't seem to have done as much as I thought they would). I also don't quite know how to get my mind to stop with the "what if's" while I'm riding. I love it and believe in it too much to just give it up. Thankfully, the motions/bike handling/etc. are find. It's just the mental and out of shape physical aspects. A friend made the comment to me that he would be sad if I never rode again because it's so much of who I am. He was right. That's what got me back out there at all. Any suggestions? Words of wisdom?

[indysteel]

((((Blueberry)))). I'm so sorry about your friend. And I'm sorry about the incident with your DH, although I am encouraged that the police in your area seems to take these things seriously.

As for advice, are there any routes familiar to you that are very lightly traveled? When I first started riding, I had a route that I did that barely had any cars, good sight lines, no loose dogs, etc. Is there a group that you can ride with, too? So long as the group is responsible, I think there's safety in numbers. Notwithstanding legitimate concerns about target fixation, I do feel safer when I ride if I'm wearing a high viz jersey and using a rear blinker depending on the light conditions. Or take it off road. Are there any gravel roads or mtb trails (assuming you have an appropriate bike) in your area?

You may just have to force yourself to get out there for short rides before the worst of your anxiety subsides. And if it still doesn't subside, then I'd encourage you to talk to a counselor about it. A short round of CBT might be in order.

[OakLeaf]

((((((Blueberry))))))

I'm so sorry about your friend.

I'm struggling to get back on my bike too, and at this point the emotional barriers are definitely higher than the physical ones. I think Indy is right, there's a point where you just have to make yourself get out there. I'm driving up in the morning to do part of the club ride - as much as I hate driving farther than I'm planning to ride, just having it on the schedule is a way of making myself go for a ride. And even though I'll still be doing half of it by myself, half of a ride with friends is worth it to me.

I'm lucky in that being way out of shape actually makes me more compatible with this particular club. Can you maybe find a slower club ride than you're accustomed to, so you won't feel bad about your conditioning trying to ride with your usual riding buddies?

[shootingstar]

It's worth it to drive with bike and go somewhere else safer to bike. If not a group, with your hubby. Or solo.

Your neighbourhood does seem difficult in terms of road design.

That's awful about your neighbour-friend. I'm sorry to hear that fatality.

Every time I've fallen off the bike....it has been on black ice, I hesitate in cycling style (which is not good) for first few days and tend to stick to quieter routes /bike paths.
Actually in fact, my daily riding is 70% on bike paths or in bike lanes.... I deliberately design routes because as a daily cyclist I need to reduce my daily exposure to cars when living in a big city.

(I know that many people here pan MUPs....I choose bike routes involving them, often during lower peak hrs.... my start and end time at work, is deliberately designed that way to avoid heavy MUP use. Same for shopping on weekends. I grocery/farmers' market shop within the first 1-2 hrs. the outlet is open....to avoid peak MUP traffic, as well as heavy shopping crowds.)

[murielalex]

I also say drive to a safe spot. Cycling should be fun, and if you're afraid, and understandably so due to circumstance, it's worth it to drive to a safer area. If you can, ride with someone. I live near one nice stretch of road that is as safe as it's gets around here, but sometimes, I just feel squirrely inside for no logical reason and am nervous to be on the road by myself. On those days, I either ride with people, which makes me feel more secure, or I don't go out at all. I've learned to respect my feelings and take care when I feel the need.

[Blueberry]

Thanks for the suggestions! It's really hard to find somewhere I feel "safe" here. We do have a rail-trail, but it has been the target of a lot of crime lately - and I'm a firm believer that I am substituting one kind of danger for another (cars for kids, skateboarders, crime, dogs, etc.). Sadly, that's it for MUPs.

Our neighborhood is actually really good for biking in general - we're within a couple of miles of the downtown, and there is definitely more awareness here of bikes than other places. This is just one bad area (and the parallel street is 2 direction with cars parked on both sides - and not enough room for 2 lanes because of that - so other issues there). I don't think that there is really a good place I feel safe riding I can drive to I'm not sure about riding with others either - riding with my DH tends to be an exercise in frustration for me because he is *so much* faster than I am - as are most of the other people I would ride with. It's compounded by the fact that I'm now seriously out of shape for biking. I don't actually know of any group-ish rides that would be that slow (and I've looked!). I'll be OK - I will get myself back out there. Fall is my favorite season for that, so that helps!

[Catrin]

(((Blueberry))) hopefully you can find that right balance. Is the bad biking area short enough that it would make sense to walk your bike through it? As for me, if it wasn't for a local large nature park with miles of roads with a very low speed-limit, my injuries these past couple of years would have probably taken me off the bike entirely. That would have been sad, and yes, trainer miles just aren't the same. I can't even get my heart rate near as high on the trainer as I do on the road - even on gentle terrain.

[redrhodie]

I've been dealing with this for the past year, too. We had 2 cyclists die last year, on roads I ride all the time. I hadn't been going on those roads at all this year, even though my city redesigned the whole area with nice wide bike lanes and lowered the speed limit. I've only been able to get myself on the bike really early, and I've been doing an alternate route which has no ghost bikes along the way.

The good news is I finally feel better going the route where the crashes happened. I rode it last Sunday and today, with no bad incidents. I think it just takes time to get your confidence back.

[emily_in_nc]

Blueberry, I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. I know that would shake me up as well.

If it's any help at all, you know about my accident in 2005 when I fractured my pelvis while road riding. Although my crash was not caused by a driver but by dogs, naturally I was a fearful of getting out on the road again. And I was also very out of shape since I was forced to take several months off during my recovery. My aerobic capacity and strength were both piss-poor. When I started back, I rode much more slowly than before, and much shorter distances. I was lucky enough to find some slower Tarwheels club rides to join, or I just rode with DH on his recovery days. Like your DH, he is and always has been faster than me, so he had to make a real effort to stay with me, but he could always go out and do more/faster miles after we had ridden together -- or he could go out first and loop back around for me later. Would that be possible with your DH?

Just as I was getting my cycling mojo back six months after my crash, my father was killed in a car accident. That shook me up even more than my own crash, and I felt way too vulnerable (and depressed) to get back on the road for many months after that sad event. Finally what worked for me was starting to mountain bike. Nothing too technical. We lived on a long gravel road, so I started with that, and I mostly just rode with a work friend on the fire road and double track unpaved paths at Umstead Park, where I felt safe from cars. I was also in terrible cycling shape when I started this (and Umstead ain't flat!), but I persevered and eventually became strong again. And eventually I progressed to getting back onto the road. It was scary at first, but after a few successful rides with no "incidents", my confidence grew. And of course now, years later and many rides under my belt, I ride on the roads with very low fear levels.

I hate to stay it, but getting back on the "horse" is really the only thing to do since, like me, I know that you have an undying passion for cycling that will likely not be completely fulfilled with any other activity (running, gym, yoga, etc.) But first, if you are worried about your level of conditioning or just aren't ready to get back on the road, you might consider doing some off-road/bike trail riding for now. I know there has been crime on the ATT recently so I agree with your avoidance of it for now, but if you could get to Umstead (and there may be other places) where you could ride away from cars for awhile while you're rebuilding your strength and endurance, you might come to enjoy it as much as I did. I never felt unsafe there at all, but I did always ride with a buddy just in case.

I wish you all the best with this and really do understand. If I were still in that area I'd ride with you!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ Blueberry }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[Blueberry]

I still don't have lots of answers, and I'm still having some difficulties. 2 more cyclists were killed in a hit and run within the last week in my area. They have not caught the driver. And a well known rando rider was hit here not long ago, and has a very long recovery ahead from the sounds of it. Her most recent blog
post pretty much sums up what I'm feeling with regard to biking (minus the tremendous pain and rehab she has ahead of her, of course).

[tulip]

(((Blueberry))) I felt the same way earlier this year. It took getting out of the country for a few months to a place where cyclists are respected for me to overcome my fears. That's not a realistic option for everyone, though.

As for conditioning, I really like spin classes. I find them much more effective (and way less boring) than a trainer. Off-road or gravel riding would also be a good option.

[rebeccaC]

I wouldn’t force myself back into bicycling until I was ready psychologically. Just as everyone recovers from physical injuries at different rates, everyone requires a different amount of time to recover from psychological trauma. Maybe take up another activity, yoga, long walks etc. to keep up your fitness level until you’re ready to bike again.

I second the idea of off road trail riding. That may help with building your confidence level up, keep you fit and might open up more bike adventures for you. For riding on the road maybe do it in small groups, friends/bike clubs, to feel the safety of numbers.

I also second the idea of seeking professional help if not being able to bike without feeling very anxious continues for very long. A professional can help you by analyzing where your fears are coming from, helping you face your fears and teaching you techniques or exercises to help you through your anxiety and build your confidence up.

Part of my identity comes from bicycling. It’s an outlet for my emotions (sometimes even needing physical pain to eclipse physiological pain) and it builds my physical strength, inner strength and confidence. If I found myself unable to ride because of a physiological trauma I would certainly go to a professional to help me work through it, just like I would for a physical problem that kept me from riding.

Hoping you find your way back to bicycling soon Blueberry!!!!!!!

[shootingstar]

It's awful about the latest cycling fatalities and injuries in your area, Blueberry.

Give yourself time. In the mean time, hope you will pursue other non-cycling passions.

[Wahine]

(((((Blueberry)))))

I hear you. I struggle with these thoughts all the time. I'm fortunate enough to live in a place where these things happen infrequently. But they happen and I find myself increasingly anxious when riding. Mostly when riding with others because unfortunately, the riders around here are often unsafe in their behavior, so I've pretty much stopped riding with other people.

I'll be thinking of you and hoping you find a way past his.

[emily_in_nc]

I still don't have lots of answers, and I'm still having some difficulties. 2 more cyclists were killed in a hit and run within the last week in my area. They have not caught the driver. And a well known rando rider was hit here not long ago, and has a very long recovery ahead from the sounds of it. Her most recent blog
post pretty much sums up what I'm feeling with regard to biking (minus the tremendous pain and rehab she has ahead of her, of course).

Oh wow, Blueberry, thank you for posting Pamela's blog -- we'd followed her touring blogs for a long time but lost touch and had no idea she'd had such a serious accident. How awful -- thank goodness she is ALIVE. But her thoughts about all the distracted drivers do echo what everyone else has been saying on this and other threads here. It's a real problem, and as a result, I'm enjoying trail riding (like the Michelson, which we were fortunate enough to ride for three days here in South Dakota in the past week+) more than road riding these days, and doing more of it. I don't know how much more road riding I see in my future, to be honest.