Stalker living next door to me (loooooong story)

[WindingRoad]

So back in June I came home to find one of my neighbors staring aimlessly over the hill behind my apartment and the fence was all busted up. I asked him what the problem was, thinking a tree limb fell, come to find out he had just ran his car over this hill crashing through two fences and wedging the car deep down in a bunch of overgrowth. I'm looking at him thinking he has whacked his head and that was why he was acting so odd. He said he had called his wife to come home and she shows up after a while. He and I (and other neighbors) in the meantime were attempting to see if it was possible to drive the car out the bottom but after closer inspection there was yet another fence buried in the overgrowth. So he reluctantly called a tow truck to wench the car out of the hole it was stuck in. The maintenance guys for my apartment complex came over to see what was up and insisted that WN (weird neighbor) call the police because they needed a police report to get the fence fixed on his insurance. He really didn't want to call the police. WN, his mother in law and wife and I were all standing around waiting on the car to get pulled out and the cops to get there. His mother in law seemed very sweet and so did his wife. So finally the car was out of the hole and a police report was filed.

Before WN's wife showed up he was explaining to me what happened. He said he had just got the car back from the garage and was revving the engine to see if a noise was still there and when he did the car slipped back into gear while revved hit the parking block and launched him and the car through the fences and over the hill. I'm not sure why anyone would do this really but it's what he said happened.

So fast forward to about a week ago. I have ran into WN's wife and mother in law in the halls here and there and we have had some very nice conversations. I have been working on some things on my car and a few times WN came out and talked to me while I was doing them. He said he was trying to learn how to do some auto repair and I thought nothing of that. There were a couple of times I noticed him looking at me kinda strange and I made it a point to bring up the fact that I do have a long term boyfriend who was coming to visit in a week. He sort of laughed and said oh we should go out and do something when he gets here. After that, I thought nothing of it. That following weekend I was doing car stuff and he said he would like to keep in contact since he knows I am moving in 6 months. I said OK and he could friend me on Facebook after all how harmful could that be.

So fast forward again to 2 days ago, I had just got home from work and I was checking email and looked on FB and there was a long IM from him talking about counting down the days till I moved and how many of those he anticipated seeing me on based on the fact that he had seen me 24 times in the last month (his exact math). He went on to say how he adored me and hoped we would always be friends. OK the word 'adored' already made me uncomfortable but I was thinking maybe it was a language barrier. He is Indian. So a few more hours go by and he IM's me again this time saying how he is attracted to me like no one he has ever met and he was telling me how special I was yadda yadda yadda. Obviously at this point my reds flags done went up. I basically said as little as possible and said I'd had a long day and had to get some sleep. I called my BF and told him what was up and he said I should completely avoid the guy. Don't talk to him at all and hopefully he would get the picture.

So now we are down to yesterday. Yesterday I drove my bike down to ride on the trail. As I was leaving, he was coming in. He was trying to wave me down on something and I just put my hand up and went on. I actually went to school first to talk to my counselor about the situation. I showed her the IM's and she was immediately concerned and saw him as creating a fantasy about me and had already made me out to be someone I wasn't. After I talked to her, I went out to ride (great ride btw, no IT band pain AND I pushed it a bit). Then I had some computer work to do for school. I stopped by Starbucks on the way back. Of course I saw he had emailed me yet again. This time it was over the top, saying he was a bad man and if I wanted to be friends with a bad man that was ok but he wanted to be honest about being bad? (I have not idea what that mean?) He goes on to say he loves me and my personality and is overly attracted to me and yadda yadda yadda. Creep Fest! At this point I'm done. I write him back and say we are no longer friends, do not try to make future contact with me, I'm uncomfortable with him and I don't want him around anymore or trying to help me with ANYTHING. Not to mention I told him I was in a relationship (again) and that I had NO intention of betraying the trust of that relationship. I send the message, make a copy of all the messages for documentation then un-friend and block him from my account.

So now we are down to last night after I send the IM. I was avoiding going home after my bike ride because I knew he would try and talk to me. After the IM of me telling him to pi$$ off I figured he would get the point and leave me alone. I made it implicitly clear. There was no interpretation to be made. However, as I'm driving up to the back lot I see him standing outside smoking close to where I normally park. I pulled into a space and left the car running with the doors locked hoping he would get the hint to leave b/c I'm not getting out of the car till he leaves. It was at that moment I started to panic. I called a friend from class and asked her to come over with one of the guys from our class ASAP!!!! While I was waiting, I was texting my BF what was going on just in case anything crazy happened. My friends got there in 10 minutes, at which point he had just gone back inside. However, at the same time my friends showed up his WIFE showed up with someone (I can't believe this a$$ is married!?!?). I am assuming she is not aware his inappropriate contact with me or he had told her an entirely different story? Anyways, my friends help me get my bike down off the car and get my things inside cuz I was shaking at this point. He literally lives right next door to me. I showed my friends the outrageous IM's that he wrote and they were appalled. Fortunately this guy from my class lives upstairs with two other guys from my class and I have all three of their numbers now to call in case of emergency. I am SO glad they live here too. My boyfriend is going to be here tomorrow evening which I am very happy about. I barely slept last night because I kept having nightmares and now I find I am so afraid. I am NOT the kind of person who scares easily but damn this whole experience has shaken me up inside.

So it's Friday afternoon now, I only worked a half day, and it's about the time he normally comes home. I find myself being edgy and hoping he doesn't try to stop by and talk to me. I'm absolutely NOT going to answer the door if he does. I'm just in shock that me being helpful in a time when someone seemed vulnerable and possibly injured that it has turned into this jacked up mess.

I'm not sure why but this whole experience has left ME feeling vulnerable. I thought WN was only interested in friendship. It scares me when I feel like my judgement may have been really bad during the whole event.

[Trek-chick]

OMG. That is creepy. I would not blame yourself in ANY way for HIS weird behavior. I always say "The only persons actions you can control, are your own."

You did the right thing by telling people and letting him know he crossed the line. Always trust your instincts, they are usually right. I am sorry you have to deal with this. I wish I could offer better advice.

I would report him to the cops so, at least it is on record.
Take all the IM's etc and see what they have to say. Hopefully they can help.

[indysteel]

(((((WR))))). I'm so sorry. Did your counselor suggest any steps you should take with the police? Are there any school resources that she directed you to? It couldn't hurt to touch base with the police so that he's on their radar. Is he a student as well?

When do you move?

[Crankin]

You were trying to be normal nice.
Call the police and file a report. Show them all of the messages/FB stuff. Get a restraining order if you have to.
This is taken seriously in most places. This guy isn't just a stalker, he sounds like he has some serious issues.

[shootingstar]

Best of luck.

[ny biker]

You were trying to be normal nice.
Call the police and file a report. Show them all of the messages/FB stuff. Get a restraining order if you have to.
This is taken seriously in most places. This guy isn't just a stalker, he sounds like he has some serious issues.

Totally agree.

Also, note that the fact that you have a boyfriend is irrelevant. The neighbor hears this and thinks there is hope for him if the boyfriend exits the picture when that is really not the case. The important thing is that you are not interested in him, period, end of discussion, no qualifiers.

Good luck.

[Eden]

scary... guy definitely has some issues... I can't help but wonder if part of it is cultural. Is he a recent immigrant? Men in general often have a hard time distinguishing flirting and friendliness, but it seems like sometimes guys from cultures where social contact between men and women outside of marriage is more limited can mistake what we consider to be normal friendliness from a woman for a deeper interest...

I worked in a place where we had a rather tight knit group of fairly recent Polish immigrants - forward women *freaked* them out... it took some years before they would even look at our office manager when they spoke to her.

[Catrin]

{{{{WR}}}} Be safe and don't beat up on yourself about not seeing what he was sooner. You are normal, he isn't! I concur with the others that contacting the police wouldn't be a bad idea. Great idea about the documentation - hopefully you won't need it but it was a good instinct.

[rebeccaC]

Totally agree.

Also, note that the fact that you have a boyfriend is irrelevant. The neighbor hears this and thinks there is hope for him if the boyfriend exits the picture when that is really not the case. The important thing is that you are not interested in him, period, end of discussion, no qualifiers.

Good luck.

Agree...the best way is a clear, direct and an unqualified "I'm not interested in you" and then completely end any kind of communication with him. That may also help you separate yourself from the psychological intrusion his behavior has seemed to cause. Documenting it with your counselor and friends is a good thing. If it continues with you having any sense of fear then I'd definitely get information about local anti-stalking laws and especially victim resource providers to help you think through the process of what you can do and the pros and cons. Informal intervention (such as a warning from police) can sometimes just end it.
I've been through a tough stalker journey and searched out ways to take control over it rather than letting it control me.

Hoping it resolves itself quickly and you can be back to your normal life. Be with peace!!!

[spokewench]

Yikes! I don't know what kind of advice to give you, but I'm glad you are moving soon. That will make it easier to cut all ties with that weirdo!

[WindingRoad]

Indy - my counselor did say that if he continued to approach me after asking him not to I was perfectly in my right to contact the police; so far he has not tried to contact me again but only time will tell?

Eden - I spoke with my counselor for the reason you mentioned, I too thought there could be a cultural component to this. My counselor has counseled many Indian men in her years and even she says it is very off from the norm; she said it may be somewhat related to the image that other countries have of American women too. I certainly don't consider myself 'forward' in fact quite the opposite however I AM friendly to most people. But to a more conservative cultural mindset I guess we are brassy, bold vixens that go traipsing around looking for love where ever we can find it??? No matter where this originates from, it's still inappropriate and stereotyping me as what is seen on TV is ridiculous.

The other aspect that I find troubling is that I get very annoyed that some men cannot be JUST friends with women. It's such a lame duck mentality. I have several male friends and for me it's pretty normal. I have had some guy friends get the wrong impression before but not to this extent. This guy just seems mentally unstable. One of the guys in my class mentioned he saw WN drinking frequently so I am wondering if he is an alcoholic? WN wears a lot of cologne so when I first met him back in June I suppose he could have been under the influence when he drove his car over the hill and I might not have been able to smell it? The creepiest part about the cologne is that there have been a handful of times I have smelled it at night and I thought it was where he walked by but now I'm not so sure it wasn't wafting in my window. Because I couldn't hear anyone walking in the halls when I smelled it and this is an old building with REALLY creaky floors so you would definitely hear it which makes me think he may have been skulking around outside my windows and I wasn't aware of it.

I started carry my pepper spray and knife again. I really hate feeling like this.

[shootingstar]

The creepiest part about the cologne is that there have been a handful of times I have smelled it at night and I thought it was where he walked by but now I'm not so sure it wasn't wafting in my window.

However the smell got there, certainly it's a reason to worry. Are you going to be moving from this area?

As for the cultural component...you are both in North America. He probably has been living in the U.S. long enough to know the norms. End of story. He's just very abnormal/mentally unstable and it sounds like he is bordering on alcoholic if not already.

Honest, I don't spend much energy being nice to other men who I don't know at all. I mean...guys who have no connection to my work, no connection to any of my family members or to cycling. I need to be this way ..for my own safety. I already have a partner...so ..what am I looking for? I have female friends..

Do I know my neighbours? Some of them. Sort of by face. That's all and most are decent people. (The major flood in our city proved to a lot people who were their cooperative/helpful neighbours.) I think there's a guy (not sure he has gf) who lives above me..I smell alcohol several times when we're in the elevator and this is 6:30 am (!). He normally works in the oil sands in northern Alberta..... There are people who live a tough uneven life (because of the oil and gas industry) even though they have money. I think he's probably ok...without his drinking, etc.

I know this is different from some other women..but that's just me. It's not that I live in fear: I'm just simply not interested / being friendly with other men who don't fit into any of the above contexts I mentioned earlier. Does that sound cold to other men? Shrug. I don't care.

[Eden]

It's absolutely inappropriate, no matter what skewed impressions he may have of American women, it's no excuse for his behavior and I certainly did not mean in any way that you encouraged him.

lol... by forward women, I'm wasn't talking about the girls from Jersey Shore or anything... those women probably would have sent the Polish guys fleeing back to Poland.... I'm talking about a woman who speaks without being spoken to first, will talk to men she hasn't been introduced to kind of thing.... These guys were *really* old country.

[OakLeaf]

(((((WR))))) You've gotten good advice. Hope he backs off.

[Jolt]

Yuck, what a creeper! I don't have any other advice to add since reporting him to the police, ending all contact and carrying pepper spray have all been mentioned. Hope he gets the hint and leaves you alone.