Stalker living next door to me (loooooong story)

[Crankin]

You were trying to be normal nice.
Call the police and file a report. Show them all of the messages/FB stuff. Get a restraining order if you have to.
This is taken seriously in most places. This guy isn't just a stalker, he sounds like he has some serious issues.

[shootingstar]

Best of luck.

[Eden]

scary... guy definitely has some issues... I can't help but wonder if part of it is cultural. Is he a recent immigrant? Men in general often have a hard time distinguishing flirting and friendliness, but it seems like sometimes guys from cultures where social contact between men and women outside of marriage is more limited can mistake what we consider to be normal friendliness from a woman for a deeper interest...

I worked in a place where we had a rather tight knit group of fairly recent Polish immigrants - forward women *freaked* them out... it took some years before they would even look at our office manager when they spoke to her.

[Catrin]

{{{{WR}}}} Be safe and don't beat up on yourself about not seeing what he was sooner. You are normal, he isn't! I concur with the others that contacting the police wouldn't be a bad idea. Great idea about the documentation - hopefully you won't need it but it was a good instinct.

[ny biker]

You were trying to be normal nice.
Call the police and file a report. Show them all of the messages/FB stuff. Get a restraining order if you have to.
This is taken seriously in most places. This guy isn't just a stalker, he sounds like he has some serious issues.

Totally agree.

Also, note that the fact that you have a boyfriend is irrelevant. The neighbor hears this and thinks there is hope for him if the boyfriend exits the picture when that is really not the case. The important thing is that you are not interested in him, period, end of discussion, no qualifiers.

Good luck.

[rebeccaC]

Totally agree.

Also, note that the fact that you have a boyfriend is irrelevant. The neighbor hears this and thinks there is hope for him if the boyfriend exits the picture when that is really not the case. The important thing is that you are not interested in him, period, end of discussion, no qualifiers.

Good luck.

Agree...the best way is a clear, direct and an unqualified "I'm not interested in you" and then completely end any kind of communication with him. That may also help you separate yourself from the psychological intrusion his behavior has seemed to cause. Documenting it with your counselor and friends is a good thing. If it continues with you having any sense of fear then I'd definitely get information about local anti-stalking laws and especially victim resource providers to help you think through the process of what you can do and the pros and cons. Informal intervention (such as a warning from police) can sometimes just end it.
I've been through a tough stalker journey and searched out ways to take control over it rather than letting it control me.

Hoping it resolves itself quickly and you can be back to your normal life. Be with peace!!!

[spokewench]

Yikes! I don't know what kind of advice to give you, but I'm glad you are moving soon. That will make it easier to cut all ties with that weirdo!

[WindingRoad]

Indy - my counselor did say that if he continued to approach me after asking him not to I was perfectly in my right to contact the police; so far he has not tried to contact me again but only time will tell?

Eden - I spoke with my counselor for the reason you mentioned, I too thought there could be a cultural component to this. My counselor has counseled many Indian men in her years and even she says it is very off from the norm; she said it may be somewhat related to the image that other countries have of American women too. I certainly don't consider myself 'forward' in fact quite the opposite however I AM friendly to most people. But to a more conservative cultural mindset I guess we are brassy, bold vixens that go traipsing around looking for love where ever we can find it??? No matter where this originates from, it's still inappropriate and stereotyping me as what is seen on TV is ridiculous.

The other aspect that I find troubling is that I get very annoyed that some men cannot be JUST friends with women. It's such a lame duck mentality. I have several male friends and for me it's pretty normal. I have had some guy friends get the wrong impression before but not to this extent. This guy just seems mentally unstable. One of the guys in my class mentioned he saw WN drinking frequently so I am wondering if he is an alcoholic? WN wears a lot of cologne so when I first met him back in June I suppose he could have been under the influence when he drove his car over the hill and I might not have been able to smell it? The creepiest part about the cologne is that there have been a handful of times I have smelled it at night and I thought it was where he walked by but now I'm not so sure it wasn't wafting in my window. Because I couldn't hear anyone walking in the halls when I smelled it and this is an old building with REALLY creaky floors so you would definitely hear it which makes me think he may have been skulking around outside my windows and I wasn't aware of it.

I started carry my pepper spray and knife again. I really hate feeling like this.

[shootingstar]

The creepiest part about the cologne is that there have been a handful of times I have smelled it at night and I thought it was where he walked by but now I'm not so sure it wasn't wafting in my window.

However the smell got there, certainly it's a reason to worry. Are you going to be moving from this area?

As for the cultural component...you are both in North America. He probably has been living in the U.S. long enough to know the norms. End of story. He's just very abnormal/mentally unstable and it sounds like he is bordering on alcoholic if not already.

Honest, I don't spend much energy being nice to other men who I don't know at all. I mean...guys who have no connection to my work, no connection to any of my family members or to cycling. I need to be this way ..for my own safety. I already have a partner...so ..what am I looking for? I have female friends..

Do I know my neighbours? Some of them. Sort of by face. That's all and most are decent people. (The major flood in our city proved to a lot people who were their cooperative/helpful neighbours.) I think there's a guy (not sure he has gf) who lives above me..I smell alcohol several times when we're in the elevator and this is 6:30 am (!). He normally works in the oil sands in northern Alberta..... There are people who live a tough uneven life (because of the oil and gas industry) even though they have money. I think he's probably ok...without his drinking, etc.

I know this is different from some other women..but that's just me. It's not that I live in fear: I'm just simply not interested / being friendly with other men who don't fit into any of the above contexts I mentioned earlier. Does that sound cold to other men? Shrug. I don't care.

[Eden]

It's absolutely inappropriate, no matter what skewed impressions he may have of American women, it's no excuse for his behavior and I certainly did not mean in any way that you encouraged him.

lol... by forward women, I'm wasn't talking about the girls from Jersey Shore or anything... those women probably would have sent the Polish guys fleeing back to Poland.... I'm talking about a woman who speaks without being spoken to first, will talk to men she hasn't been introduced to kind of thing.... These guys were *really* old country.