Accosted by a drunk :(

[Melody]

I was picking up one of my medications yesterday and unfortunately since there is no good place to lock the bike up in front of the Walgreens, I had to lock up the bike up at the end of the shopping center to a bench (the bike rack next to the benches is a _joke_).

I went into the Walgreens, grabbed my meds and came out. There were a couple of guys checking out the bike (making me very nervous) who took off after they saw me come out. There was a drunk guy that I had passed going into the Walgreens and after I came out he started talking to me. Since I had taken the trunk bag off of the bike I had to put it back on before I could take off. The drunk continued talking to me and at one point he asked me to kiss him. :/ He didn't attack me or anything but I was fairly nervous needless to say

I couldn't just take off very easily unfortunately. He was blocking my path out and he kept on talking to me saying I was pretty, etc. etc. At one point he touched my cheek which just made me feel dirty.

I didn't want to get agressive. He was drunk but coherent enough And who knows what he would do. I continued to talk to him saying "no I won't kiss you. I'm married." If he did anything really agressive I could have responded but he didn't do anything overt (at least that's how I saw it).

He eventually let me go after (I guess) he saw he wasn't going to get anything. I got home and just broke down and started crying. Obviously this bothered me much more than I had thought.

What would you have done? I feel better today but yesterday I had a hard time sleeping. It also broke back old feelings of feeling helpless when I was nearly raped 10 years ago.

sigh.

Mel

[Popoki_Nui]

Nine-one-one. Obviously this episode affected you deeply....and rightly so. Do you carry a cell phone? After your first request to leave you alone was ignored, call the cops. At the very least, this was harrassment. He touched you...that is assault as well. I guess I getting to be a hardass in my old age, but I just don't put up with anything anymore. Next time (hopefully there won't be one!)...get a description, find a safer place...and call the cops.
Hope you're ok. {{{{hugs}}}
~Sherry.

[Dianyla]

I'm so sorry that this happened to you. It sounds to me like you did the "deer in the headlights" thing and were somewhat paralyzed by fear. In no way am I excusing the behavior of others, but you need to be able to project confidence and strength and be prepared to defend yourself, since abusers/rapists often smell fear and like to move in for the kill. One thing you may want to do is to work on cultivating some good response tactics, in case you have another unpleasant encounter with this guy or others.

A book you may find interesting is The Gift Of Fear by Gavin DeBecker.

I hope you feel better soon.

[doc]

Yuck! I am so sorry you had this experience. But the worst part seems to be how you feel about it. Just like your near rape long ago, this was NOT YOUR FAULT and in no way should make you feel dirty.

How about counseling with an emphasis on things to do if god forbid there is a next time? I agree with D in that you've somehow got to transform that fear/victim response into something empowering. As women we are taught to be nice, polite, and think of others first. I think yelling at the top of your lungs "get lost, leave me alone" etc might have scared him away. But you were polite. Society's fault. Think about what a guy would have done.

I am so so so glad that nothing physical happened to you (or your bike). Is there even a planter or anything you can chain your bike to in a more central location? Don't stop riding your bike to the pharmacy. And definitely don't let this guy win by altering how you run your life. Hugs and more hugs to you.

[cusepack]

My heart goes out to you. I know only too well the emotions involved in assault. Everyone that has posted has wonderful suggestions. Keep in mind again, that in no way does this have anything to do with you, rather this is about him. Yes, you happened to be there when he attempted this outrageous behaviour, but had it not been you, perhaps it would have been someone else. Therefore, I suggest you still contact the police to advise them of the incident. This way, the area can be patrolled and, you may foil this man's attempt to repeat his actions. It'e relatively safe to say this man will attempt this behaviour again. Remember, speaking up is speaking out.

Please take one day at a time and know there is support out there for you, whether it be friends, family and/or counseling. Talk about it. Share it. Don't let it fester. And, let it empower you and other women as well.

Take care and know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Kathryn

[Nanci]

EEEWWW!! Carry a cell and call 911. Or go into the nearest store and call 911 or ask for help.

I won't leave my bike if I don't think it's safe. Bring your bike into the store, and if they say anything, tell them they need to provide a safe place to leave it. Or go to the drive up window!!

There's a law in my city that allows drunks/homeless to be arrested if they assault (that would be any form of touching you) or aggressively panhandle.

I'm sorry.

Nanci

[E2theD]

I agree with others that in the future you should bring your bike in. Living in San Francisco I'm very uncomfortable locking my bike up anywhere and I'll ask to bring my bike in to stores and appointments. I've never been refused.

As far as the drunk vagrant, that sucks! Since this isn't the first experience you've had with aggressive unwanted sexual advances it is no wonder you were uncomfortable. I would suggest that you sign up for a women's self defense class. I'm not suggesting that you beat anyone up but it will boost your confidence which overall will make you a less easy target. Again though, I'm so sorry that happened to you and I hope you feel better soon. Seems to be a common occurrence here in the Bay Area...

Erin

[bikerchick68]

man, what a horrible feeling that we can't even go pick something up without some idiot hassling us these days... I can only imagine how scared you must have felt, especially given your prior experience 10 yrs ago...

I work for a large restaurant franchise here in CA. We have homeless, drunks and aggressive Aholes sometimes hang out in front of our restaurants begging for money from guests... the minute we know about it they are told to leave immediately. If they refuse, they are watched closely while we wait for the police to arrive. In the future, absolutely go back inside the store and ask for the manager. I guarantee they are not thrilled to have someone outside scaring away their customers!

You have no obligation to be nice to someone who is making you feel threatened. Even if you don't perceive it as violent or if they don't mean to be threatening... it's OK and the right thing to do to simply say, "Please leave me alone." If they do not it's time for action. I am nice once, and if they don't get the clue the nice act is over...

I hope you are able to move past this and forward again... hugs...

[maillotpois]

Oh that's terrible! I am so sorry that happened - must have made you feel so vulnerable. I agree - complain to the store. Make sure they know what's happening outside. They have liability exposure if they receive complaints and do nothing and then someone is hurt. Even if this is on a public sidewalk outside the store, they still have a duty to respond to a complaint like that.

[PAP103]

The police department in my town offers a Rape Aggression Defense class for women that;s free. Its a national program so it may be available in your area. They teach you how to avoid situations and if you are accosted, how to fight or disable your attacker enough to get away.
www.rad-systems.com

Take care and everyone be careful out there!
Patty

[Duck on Wheels]

Just logged on after being away for a while. What a shock! Melody, you're gorgeous, but this was not a sexual thing. You're also big and tall and strong, so I agree, this guy must've been drunk out of his senses to try hassling you. In fact, somebody that inebriated (sp?) probably couldn't have stood up to you if you'd chosen to stiffarm him off, or worse. Personally, I think you handled it very well! You stood your ground, but in a patiently persistent way, not going ballistic. A good initial non-violent defense. And it worked. Good on you!!!! The release of feelings after was probably not about regretting anything you did or didn't do, but simply all those feelings you had to keep under control during the incident that had to find release later. That said, I agree with a lot of the suggestions about how to avoid similar situations. Stuff like telling the pharmacy what happened and that you'll take your business elsewhere if they can't provide a safe bike rack closer by. I generally don't like the idea of blocking the less fortunate from equal participation in society, but there is a difference between someone we feel sorry for (and therefore also sorry for seeing) and someone who actively makes a nuisance of himself. People who accost and offend strangers should be shown away and if the local police can be trusted to simply "dry him out" in the drunk tank and not abuse their power by beating up on him, then yes, I'd call them.

[mmelindas]

Oh, Mel, poor kid!

I certainly understand your fear, the bad vibes and terrible memories from the past.... all the advice you got was dynamite stuff...

I also heard about one self defense instructor who advised women to carry a long hat pin, tucked in a safe place,....and pull it out and stab the guy's hand if he makes a move towards you, then yell "Fire!" at the top of your lungs and RUN!!! ("fire" draws people but "help" or "rape" actually repels them away.)

There was a nurse at the ER near where I worked that got raped.... and the deviant came back for seconds.... well, she was in high heels ready for a night out after work.. She'd had these very self defense lessons and so when he tried to jump her, she whipped out her hat pin, stabbed him in the face, and while he was writhing in pain, she took off her high heels and proceeded to gouge his eyes out, while yelling "Fire!" People came running!

The hospital security came, apprehended him, called for police & medical help and she didn't stop...while they were strapping him on the gurney to take him inside for treatment of her wounds to him, she hopped up on the gurney and started beating him again with her high heels!!

The paper got photos of her ... how mad she was, how empowered she felt and all....and that guy told police he'd never dream of attacking a woman again after that hideous and scarring experience!!!

[Melody]

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to respond. Work has been pretty killer lately.

Thank you everyone for the advice. I'm gotten into the habit now of carrying a whistle and honestly, I'll probably stop going to the pharmacy on the bike and just take the car. It's not worth the stress level of having to deal with this sort of thing.

And Trek is right. I'm not a small person but this guy was drunk. His judgement was highly impaired. :/

Trek, btw, I was on my Bianchi and not on Silver. She was tucked safely at home on the trainer. I wouldn't even dream of letting her be locked up for a moment without my eyes on her just about every moment. I have to take extra care with her whereas the Bianchi, she's tough and can take care of herself.

Mel

[Trek420]

Melody sez

"I'm gotten into the habit now of carrying a whistle"

good idea. whole lotta noise is good defense.

"I'll probably stop going to the pharmacy on the bike and just take the car. It's not worth the stress level of having to deal with this sort of thing. "

I can understand that. I hate it hate it hate it when anything makes us not wanna ride. Like the weather today. Aaaaargh. hate it hate it hate it. Surfs off to get new rain jacket.

Anyway if we stop doing the things we love...they win! Don't let the moron get you down, Mel.

"this guy was drunk. His judgement was highly impaired. :/"

more important his tolerance for pain is high. So your best self defense options would be-

keep a safe distance away and...
get away and....
draw attention and....
call cops, manager, security etc

Beating him to a senseless blathering bloody pulp might not work. tempting as that would be I for one would never want to do that.

OT that's one of the many things I like about Aikido is that inflicting pain is not a factor or even used (much) although it is an available option

On the mat I often tell beginners that we don't tap (tapping is the visual equivelant of crying uncle in a pin. we don't want to hurt our training partners at all. We need 'em. heh. So you tap at the point it's a stretch) anyway we don't tap because it hurts...tap because you can't get up or out of the pin.

The object of most techniques is that they are imobile.

I used to train with a guy who was a hospital orderly and a patient showed up in the ER on drugs, he'd fallen asleep on a steam radiator (ewwwwww ) and became violent.

This huuuuge but very gentle man put the patient in a pin, held him down till Dr.s & nurses could give him a shot....and begin to treat him.

"Trek, btw, I was on my Bianchi and not on Silver. She was tucked safely at home on the trainer. I wouldn't even dream of letting her be locked up for a moment without my eyes on her just about every moment. I have to take extra care with her whereas the Bianchi, she's tough and can take care of herself. "

sorta like you! TE gals I hope we won't tuck ourselves safely away on the trainer, let's ride. Now if this weather would just....

Trek

[bikerz]

Hey Mel -I'm really sorry to hear about this event - it must have been very frightening. My heart goes out to you.

I wanted to let you know about a self defense course I took many years ago after I was assaulted - it's called Bay Area Model Mugging (www.bamm.org). I think they are still based down on the Peninsula, but thay have courses all over the Bay Area..

For me this course was very effective - both in learning specific and effective techniqus that acknowledge and even take advantage of how most women are built compared to men (e.g. lower center of gravity, greater lower body strength than upper body strength) and in learning how to channel the anger and especially the fear from my experience into strength.

I was always afraid that my fear would forever incapacitate me, and that I would never not be afraid, but what I learned and proved to myself was that the fear is also an enormous source of power. I'm sure I'll be afraid if I am ever attacked again, but I'm not so afraid of the fear anymore, if that makes any sense. All the women in my class had been assaulted or seriously threatened by either strangers, dates, or family. Several friends of mine took the course after I did and it had a similar positive impact on them.

I don't know if any of this will be useful to you, but if you'd like more info, please feel free to PM me - I took the course 16 years ago, but from the website, it looks like they are using the same approach now as then.
Take care of yourself and stay safe! Like the other women said - YOU ARE NOT ALONE!