OT: My world is upside down

[fixedgeargirl]

Thanks again everyone, for the support ! I am going to meet with an attorney today. I fell through the cracks: I make too much for the pro bono program, too little for the reduced cost program. So I am going to meet with a woman who works for a little less than the typical rate b/c she works out of her home.

He says he wants to work it out, to have a happy intact family. I have trouble seeing how filing a custody suit is supposed to foster that . He also made it clear that in order for us to "move forward" I would have to admit that I made mistakes in my parenting choices and apologize for those "mistakes" . Basically, agree to do things his way (the way MIL recommends, btw) and everything will be hunky-dorey. No thanks .

I went through second thoughts this morning in the shower: maybe we can work it out, etc. Then I remembered the years of disrespect, belittlement, anger, negativity, controlling behaviors...you get the idea. And he doesn't just treat me like that, either.

I am upset that I am going to have to move out, that I am going to have the second-rate home, since I can't afford a 3 bedroom single family home on a large lot. He plans on playing the card that the house we've been living in is our son's "home", that him spending majority time with me, in whatever I can afford, will represent the greater disruption.

Fortunately I'm smarter than him , and know more about the law and how it is typically applied. I don't want to dig up dirt on him, but will do so if it means securing the best situation for my son. A lot of prayer can't hurt, either .

[Lise]

I went through second thoughts this morning in the shower: maybe we can work it out, etc. Then I remembered the years of disrespect, belittlement, anger, negativity, controlling behaviors...you get the idea. And he doesn't just treat me like that, either.

Oh, fgg, you have my best wishes and support. It's hard, but so necessary, to remember, remember clearly the fear, anxiety, numbness, and shame I felt with my abusive ex. There are some happy memories and a lot of wishful thinking time that my brain wants to throw forward as "the truth". I went through three years of infertility treatment trying to have a baby with my ex. Luckily, unsuccessful. If I'd stayed and "tried to make it work" with that ex, we would have just passed the abuse on to one more generation. What you do now will show your DS how a loving, respectful woman acts toward herself and her child.

You are not alone. One friend recommended, back then, that I look up at the moon at night, and remember all the women who have been where I was, and got free. She said the moon is like a connection point. It's helped me. So glad you've got an attorney. Take good care of yourself.

[pkq]

It really sounds like your STBX has significant issues. Sounds like one is his mother! Keep looking forward, FGG, this man is not his own but Mommie Dearest's. This all sounds real familiar with so many other things I've heard over the years and has odors of my own father and his relationship with his mother. My dad couldn't make a decision without her input and really making the decision for him. He is not a man yet and may never be. My dad never was.

[fixedgeargirl]

I met with an attorney, and am clarifying the course of action I need to take. Too bad it has to be so dad-blamed expensive . I can't really complain about his mom footing his legal bill anymore, as my folks are willing to help me. The difference is, I can guess with near-certainty that MIL made the offer to him. I had to swallow my pride and a lump in my throat to ask my dad .

I came out of the afternoon feeling pretty powerful and ready to move forward with this onerous process. Felt validated when I read an online horoscope which asked if I had gotten comfortable and complacent and needed to shake things up. It also talked about there having to be a forest fire to make way for the sapplings...so true, so true.

I still don't want to move out of this cute house in this great location and give up the shady yard and the paint colors I picked out and my junky little garden. But that's all neither here nor there when I feel I can't even fully be myself so as to avoid ridicule.

Stbx has good intentions, just a dysfunctional way of going about how to exercise them. He loves DS deeply, and truly wants to be a major part of his life. He was denied that gift in his own childhood, and he really has a lot of work to do to heal that. First he has to recognize it and want help. I did what I knew how to do in that regard.

MIL, for her part, has been an enabler to her grown sons for a very long time. She is forever catching them before they fall. I admit I skated on that, on her financial generosity, for a long time. I justified it by thinking, "Well, if he isn't going to suck it up and get a real job, at least his mom can help me keep good food in the fridge and spend these irreplaceable years with my child." I need a *kicking myself* smiley to insert here . Believe you me, I have analyzed stbx's behaviors and their origins 8 ways to Friday. He'll have to be willing to criticize some of the actions his mother has chosen over the years before he can move forward, IMO. I don't know that that will ever happen, and I can't waste my life and spirit waiting.

As for me, once I am away from this inability to communicate dynamic, I can start to work on my own issues in that regard. Me = meek and afraid to be vulnerable, the slightest criticism burns. Him = interrupts after you've said three words and starts talking about himself and how what you were trying to say affects him. I've gotten better about standing my ground, but I'm tired of having to shout to be heard.

Thanks for the words of encouragement, ladies. My prayers (to the power of my choice) are for a peaceful solution. Oh yeah, and that I win the lottery and can buy a second home in Colorado !

[Melody]

Fixed, I hope things work out. Peaceful solutions are definately better but remember you have to protect yourself too.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

Mel