Badger, I think you're taking some very positive steps in the right direction. As for meds, please do not feel like a failure, embarrassed or ashamed that you have decided to try them. Would you feel the same way if, for instance, you had to take a drug for allergies, a sluggish thyroid or for high blood pressure? Depression and anxiety is no different from any other disease that can be managed or better managed with medication. As for the side effects, just be sure to talk to your therapist/doctor about any you experience and about whether the drug is actually making you feel better. From what I undertand, it often takes some trial and error to find the right script and the right doseage.

If you're willing to share, how consistently have you been in conventional therapy? I'm a big believer in CBT and I've seen a therapist myself for over ten years. During on of my first visits with my therapist, she told me that in her experience, it takes 3-5 years of regular CBT to consistently feel better. Now that seemed like a long time at the outset, but in the end, the time (and financial) investment has been well worth it. Her prediction was right; I started to see significant gains at about the 3 year mark and felt mostly "healed" (if that's possible) by year five. I've mostly stuck with it since then because I actually enjoy my appointments with her, and I've had some big life changes over the past few years. I think I could stop though with no ill effect. I'd add that one of the things that coincided with feeling tons better was the start of my yoga practice. I have no concrete idea of why it helped so much, but it did. It just makes me feel more at peace with myself. I know Crankin recommends it to some of her patients; perhaps she can better explain why.

I bring that up to encourage you to stick with CBT over the long haul if you can afford it. It takes time to reinforce new thoughts patterns ans ways of dealing our stressors. I wish you the best in this journey. There is must to be gained from simply taking these first big steps toward emotional wellness.