Badger, I'm very sorry--for everything. I'm so glad you're going to talk to a counselor. I hope he/she can help you deal with your feelings and fears. My guess is that you bf is not going to leave you for his friend's widow, but I also think it's going to be a while before he's able to fully reengage with you as he grieves and deals with his own depression. Your challenge is to take care of yourself in the meantime. Therapy will help immensely in that process, so stick with it as long as you can. Many hugs to you.