Need support, really struggling

[indysteel]

Badger, I'm very sorry--for everything. I'm so glad you're going to talk to a counselor. I hope he/she can help you deal with your feelings and fears. My guess is that you bf is not going to leave you for his friend's widow, but I also think it's going to be a while before he's able to fully reengage with you as he grieves and deals with his own depression. Your challenge is to take care of yourself in the meantime. Therapy will help immensely in that process, so stick with it as long as you can. Many hugs to you.

[shootingstar]

That's great, badger to see a counsellor. Hopefully you click well with the counsellor.

You deserve your own space and freedom to think, sort out stuff, if your BF continues to distance himself or even suddenly returns. (Really, did he truly recover that fast from grief?)

Hope you find ways to free yourself in your grief. (Though I also know what it means to feel the tentacles of grief for loved ones for a long time...). You deserve greater happiness and attention compared to what you are getting now, since you have been already very patient with bf.

[emily_in_nc]

I don't know if it's any help at all, but for maybe six months after my father's sudden death in a car accident, I reached out and related more to my siblings, my mother, and even my step-mother (my father's widow), whom I'd never been particularly close to, than to my husband. He was supportive, but he's never lost a parent so couldn't really "get it", and of course, he didn't have the depth of feelings about my father that my siblings and step-mother did. Fortunately, he was patient and allowed me to grieve in the way I needed to and to visit with, talk with, and email relentlessly the people who did feel the same way I did about my father during those first few awful months, and over time, I became more and more myself. Forever changed, of course, but more his wife again instead of my father's grieving daughter.

I hope that your boyfriend will find his way back to you in the same way -- sounds like he's still consumed with the loss of his friend and just not emotionally available to you right now. I doubt he will leave you for the widow, and I doubt she is looking for a replacement for the man she lost, but since the two of them share so many of the same raw emotions, it's not far-fetched to imagine them grieving together as they are. It shouldn't and can't last forever, though.

Based on my experience, I suggest that you not think the worst about what is going to happen. Certainly talk to your bf, but be gentle and non-demanding. It sounds like prior to his friend's illness, things were going well between the two of you, so there's no reason to think that they won't improve in time. Time is going to be the best healer and unfortunately, you're going to have to be patient even when it is difficult.

Hugs to you...I am sure this is very hard.

[indysteel]

I think that's a very insightful perspective, Emily.

[Biciclista]

great advice Murienn.
Since I lost my husband in July, I have gotten very active on a forum for widows.

The scenario you described does happen and it almost destroyed a marriage that i know of from someone on the forum.

a Woman died, his best friend's wife and widower got too close, etc...
and now this widower had to do the right thing and get away from the woman "who was only trying to help" but it was getting physical. The widower is doing better now, but he lost two friends.

good luck.

[badger]

great advice Murienn.
Since I lost my husband in July, I have gotten very active on a forum for widows.

The scenario you described does happen and it almost destroyed a marriage that i know of from someone on the forum.

a Woman died, his best friend's wife and widower got too close, etc...
and now this widower had to do the right thing and get away from the woman "who was only trying to help" but it was getting physical. The widower is doing better now, but he lost two friends.

good luck.

I'm sorry for your loss, but I hardly think your post was helpful in any way. Why play on someone's insecurities?

[Biciclista]

I didn't mean to offend you, i was just letting you know it IS possible, that this stuff CAN happen.

some people want to know things like this, so they know they are not being paranoid...it's real. it can happen. I did think I was being helpful

I am sorry.

[badger]

Thank you all for your kind, supportive words. It's immensely helpful.

And thank you, Emily, for sharing your experience, it does give me some insight as to why they would reach out to each other. I certainly can't equate to anything in my life as to the magnitude of their loss, and while I had met his friend, I only spent a few hours with him so I only knew him casually.

I won't be demanding anything from my BF at this time, he's in self preservation mode and have nothing to give me. I understand and accept this. I have already told him that I'm there for him in whatever capacity and that I'm in in for the long haul. I'll just have to take care of myself and hope that he does feel better in time and reengage.

No matter what happens, I need to work on how to live with anxiety in my life so I'm glad I have this opportunity.

Thanks ladies