Need support, really struggling

[badger]

I haven't been around here in a while but I seem to always get support when I need it. I've been going through some difficult times and it's only getting worse. I'm seeing a counsellor this morning (finally these people figured out some people can't go to appointments during the day on weekdays). Hopefully I'll be able to get some help.

What's happening is my boyfriend lost his best friend to a short but horrible battle with cancer. It's been 5 weeks since his death and he's slipping into major depression. He battled it before and wisely started taking Prozac again(which he was supposed to all along but stopped 2 years ago). He also scheduled an appointment with his psychiatrist on Monday. So he's fighting it. The problem is he's pushing me away. I'd like to say it's temporary and he's just withdrawn, but I know that he's very close with the widow and he seems to be reaching out to her rather than me. I get this, they shared a very strong and painful experience together and she probably is the only person who understands (in his mind) the pain he's in. But I'm afraid that he is going to leave me for her. As ridiculous as that sounds, because she herself lost her husband, whom she spent 24/7 with but I know he talks and texts her every day while he essentially ignores me. She's using my boyfriend as her safety blanket (his word) because her husband used him as one during the illness (boyfriend was there day and night at the hospital, him and the widow spent a lot of time together. When the friend was taking his last breaths she only allowed my bf and the guy's daughter to be present. He even sat with them at the funeral while I was in the back with his mother).

I know that people who are grieving aren't themselves but I'm really afraid that he's going to leave me for her even though they are both basket cases. I suppose the only thing I can do right now is hope for the best and prepare for the worst. I can't sleep and I can't eat. I've already lost 7lbs and I'm down to105lbs now.

When he first got sick and was in the hospital for surgery, that's when my fears started. Again, he was at the hospital day/night. But my bf was really good at reassuring me (I didn't ask him about it, but he was attentive to me to allay my fears). He even said that when his friend passes away, he wants to move to a nearby town with me as he won't have much reason to stay there (he's actually about 2 hours away, he comes and stays with me 4 nights during the week when he works). He gave me a diamond necklace for valentine's and a card saying he's looking to another year together. Then his friend took a turn for the worse a week later and died a week after that. He's not with me right now, he's at home (at least I think so, he hasn't really spoken to me this week).

I guess all I want are kind words and virtual hugs. I'm not sure I want a barrage of "leave him first, dump him" type of posts. Thanks ladies.

[Crankin]

You're doing the right thing. I can't predict what will happen, or tell you what to do, but this sounds like traumatic grief, more than regular grief. Use your counseling sessions to help you sort out everything.

[thekarens]

I just wanted to say, good for you for seeking help and you will get through this regardless of the outcome. It may not seem that way right now, but hang in there!

[OakLeaf]

((((((badger)))))) Do let him know that you need more from him now. Is couples counseling a possibility? I know scheduling can be tough when both parties are seeing individual therapists too... However it turns out, this isn't the time to be making big decisions. Take good care.

[indysteel]

Badger, I'm very sorry--for everything. I'm so glad you're going to talk to a counselor. I hope he/she can help you deal with your feelings and fears. My guess is that you bf is not going to leave you for his friend's widow, but I also think it's going to be a while before he's able to fully reengage with you as he grieves and deals with his own depression. Your challenge is to take care of yourself in the meantime. Therapy will help immensely in that process, so stick with it as long as you can. Many hugs to you.

[shootingstar]

That's great, badger to see a counsellor. Hopefully you click well with the counsellor.

You deserve your own space and freedom to think, sort out stuff, if your BF continues to distance himself or even suddenly returns. (Really, did he truly recover that fast from grief?)

Hope you find ways to free yourself in your grief. (Though I also know what it means to feel the tentacles of grief for loved ones for a long time...). You deserve greater happiness and attention compared to what you are getting now, since you have been already very patient with bf.

[emily_in_nc]

I don't know if it's any help at all, but for maybe six months after my father's sudden death in a car accident, I reached out and related more to my siblings, my mother, and even my step-mother (my father's widow), whom I'd never been particularly close to, than to my husband. He was supportive, but he's never lost a parent so couldn't really "get it", and of course, he didn't have the depth of feelings about my father that my siblings and step-mother did. Fortunately, he was patient and allowed me to grieve in the way I needed to and to visit with, talk with, and email relentlessly the people who did feel the same way I did about my father during those first few awful months, and over time, I became more and more myself. Forever changed, of course, but more his wife again instead of my father's grieving daughter.

I hope that your boyfriend will find his way back to you in the same way -- sounds like he's still consumed with the loss of his friend and just not emotionally available to you right now. I doubt he will leave you for the widow, and I doubt she is looking for a replacement for the man she lost, but since the two of them share so many of the same raw emotions, it's not far-fetched to imagine them grieving together as they are. It shouldn't and can't last forever, though.

Based on my experience, I suggest that you not think the worst about what is going to happen. Certainly talk to your bf, but be gentle and non-demanding. It sounds like prior to his friend's illness, things were going well between the two of you, so there's no reason to think that they won't improve in time. Time is going to be the best healer and unfortunately, you're going to have to be patient even when it is difficult.

Hugs to you...I am sure this is very hard.

[indysteel]

I think that's a very insightful perspective, Emily.

[Biciclista]

great advice Murienn.
Since I lost my husband in July, I have gotten very active on a forum for widows.

The scenario you described does happen and it almost destroyed a marriage that i know of from someone on the forum.

a Woman died, his best friend's wife and widower got too close, etc...
and now this widower had to do the right thing and get away from the woman "who was only trying to help" but it was getting physical. The widower is doing better now, but he lost two friends.

good luck.

[badger]

Thank you all for your kind, supportive words. It's immensely helpful.

And thank you, Emily, for sharing your experience, it does give me some insight as to why they would reach out to each other. I certainly can't equate to anything in my life as to the magnitude of their loss, and while I had met his friend, I only spent a few hours with him so I only knew him casually.

I won't be demanding anything from my BF at this time, he's in self preservation mode and have nothing to give me. I understand and accept this. I have already told him that I'm there for him in whatever capacity and that I'm in in for the long haul. I'll just have to take care of myself and hope that he does feel better in time and reengage.

No matter what happens, I need to work on how to live with anxiety in my life so I'm glad I have this opportunity.

Thanks ladies

[Crankin]

To answer your question, Indy, there are a couple of reasons I recommend yoga to treat both anxiety and depression. The first reason is that yoga works on calming the physical manifestations of anxiety by decreasing neurotransmitters that raise your anxiety. Recent research done here at BU shows that yoga actually can do the same thing as some of the medications that are prescribed. The other reason is that yoga is actually a system of psychology in the Eastern tradition. Here, we see it more as exercise; we hold feelings and memories in the physical body and yoga can release these feelings. This is why you might cry in a yoga session or why you feel better. It's also why there is a lot of work being done with vets to treat trauma, using yoga. One of my goals is to become a certified yoga therapist.

[indysteel]

To answer your question, Indy, there are a couple of reasons I recommend yoga to treat both anxiety and depression. The first reason is that yoga works on calming the physical manifestations of anxiety by decreasing neurotransmitters that raise your anxiety. Recent research done here at BU shows that yoga actually can do the same thing as some of the medications that are prescribed. The other reason is that yoga is actually a system of psychology in the Eastern tradition. Here, we see it more as exercise; we hold feelings and memories in the physical body and yoga can release these feelings. This is why you might cry in a yoga session or why you feel better. It's also why there is a lot of work being done with vets to treat trauma, using yoga. One of my goals is to become a certified yoga therapist.

Thank you for that explanation; it certainly mirrors what I've experienced in yoga, especially during the first year or so of my practice.

When I first started my practice in 2006, I was going through a difficult relationship/breakup and I admittedly cried during a lot of my classes because many of my emotions were pretty close to the surface. At the time, I had a teacher who offered a reading at the end of class. It might be a passage from Rumi, for instance; I wasn't always sure of the source material. A lot of what she shared had to do with self acceptance and self love. The passages often resonated in a way that prompted tears on my end. There was also a lot of things we did during class that offered a very tangible sense of release and that, too, often prompted an emotional reaction in me.

With or without tears, I often left class feeling less burdened and more joyful. I also started to feel a growing sense of gratitude for the various experiences--both in the present and in the past--that I'd had in my life and a growing trust that I could cope with whatever came my way. Yoga helped me tie together a lot of the things that I'd been working on in CBT for a long time.I've never spent much time trying to understand why it did what it did. I just know that I loved it and still do. On it's more superficial level, it offers a weekly dose of stress relief, but I truly believe there wa more to it than that.

[Triskeliongirl]

I have been married for 28 years, and I can tell you in all that time that I have learned that *its not always about you*. You are interpreting your boyfriends withdrawing from you emotionally to mean there is a problem with you and your relationship with him, but the most likely thing is that he is just dealing with his own grief in the best way he can. I think you are doing all the right things, getting counseling, seeing that he gets counseling and medication, but beyond that, I think you just need to disengage a bit from this emotionally yourself, give him the space he needs to heal right now, and don't stress yourself out by assuming the worst. Whenever I have had to go through stressful events in my life, I have always gotten a lot of relief from physical activity, so even simple things like riding your bike can help to keep your brain chemistry in check. I am sorry that you are going through this, but just try be calm, and only worry about your boyfriend leaving you if he says that is his intention.

[goldfinch]

My whole life I also have tended towards being an anxious person so I empathize. For a period of time I took an antidepressant which helps for generalized anxiety disorder. It helped. Keep in mind most of them take a few weeks to start working. After I retired and had less stresses in my life I gradually stopped taking them. I still once in a while take a Xanax (immediate acting tranquilizer). I don't tend towards addictive use of drugs so the Xanax works for me. I figure my brain chemistry is a bit out of whack so if chemicals can help me I am willing to try. Just like my blood pressure is high and I need drugs to help with that. It seems like the best medicine has to offer right now is trying both the drugs and the cognitive therapy. Use of meditation and yoga may make sense too. For me, meditation never worked as I have an odd problem of relaxation induced anxiety. Movement like yoga, or dance or even biking is more helpful to me.

[badger]

To answer your question, Indy, there are a couple of reasons I recommend yoga to treat both anxiety and depression. The first reason is that yoga works on calming the physical manifestations of anxiety by decreasing neurotransmitters that raise your anxiety. Recent research done here at BU shows that yoga actually can do the same thing as some of the medications that are prescribed. The other reason is that yoga is actually a system of psychology in the Eastern tradition. Here, we see it more as exercise; we hold feelings and memories in the physical body and yoga can release these feelings. This is why you might cry in a yoga session or why you feel better. It's also why there is a lot of work being done with vets to treat trauma, using yoga. One of my goals is to become a certified yoga therapist.

is there a particular type of yoga that is recommended? I've tried this and that over the years but never got into it mostly because they're so expensive. Is there any study or something documenting it's better to do it in a class with other people, or can you do it at home? I do have a couple of yoga dvds.