Do you have adult children? I need advice.

[OakLeaf]

half because my breasts were inappropriately large for the workplace

I have no advice on the question you asked, but that's sexual harrassment. Did you talk to a lawyer? How long ago did that happen? ((((((Swan))))))

[Swan]

I have no advice on the question you asked, but that's sexual harrassment. Did you talk to a lawyer? How long ago did that happen? ((((((Swan))))))

I know it is, but no, I didn't. I've been through so much SH that I've stopped caring by this point, to be honest, and I'm noy bothered when people chastise me for my apathy anymore, either. It just is what it is, and it's always been a part of my life, right or wrong. I was let go this Friday. The official reason was "multiple dress code violations" even though there were none, but Florida is an employ-at-will state so they didn't even have to list a reason.

[goldfinch]

I know it is, but no, I didn't. I've been through so much SH that I've stopped caring by this point, to be honest, and I'm noy bothered when people chastise me for my apathy anymore, either. It just is what it is, and it's always been a part of my life, right or wrong. I was let go this Friday. The official reason was "multiple dress code violations" even though there were none, but Florida is an employ-at-will state so they didn't even have to list a reason.

Some states that are at will states still have to provide the reason if you ask. I don't know if Florida is such a state.

If you believe their reasons were a pretext it might be worth a call to an employment lawyer.

[Swan]

Yep! Sorry for the lack of replies. I've been job hunting and catching up with some friends who popped in from out-of-country to visit.
The "no locks" law is my dad's, and he has some solid reasons for it, so I respect that. It's getting mom to quit barging in without breaking my dad's rule that's the issue. She's been a little better these past few days (whew... finally a relief), but I'm sure she'll be back at it again soon. Are there any tips on how I can go about talking to her in a way she'd listen to without twisting it in the interim between now and when I can move out, whenever that may be? I noted a few of your replies and agree with the "address the major issues and let the rest lie" bit.

[shootingstar]

If possible always find opportunity to talk about things that you know both of you share a positive interest. And to compliment her when it's deserving. Seek her advice in areas where clearly she has expertise/knowledge.

I don't know your mother so hard to suggest much here.

Just to give an example, my mother can be tough to deal with. (And it will get tougher when my father dies. His cancer is getting worse..)
She and her daughters sew, so it is one area she clearly taught us, has expertise, we asked for her help (especially when we botched some sewing projects) and we appreciate whatever she does in this area. She also cooks healthy for herself and family. It is also an area that she deserves our appreciation because she passed on lifelong knowledge/skills to us that we all have and continue to practice ---naturally.

My mother genuinely likes Mother's Day appreciation for her: she needs appreciation as a mother for her hard work for raising 6 children. I can't dispute this one, for sure! So she likes the card, etc.
I know this doesn't solve her other issues but for the time being, at least she needs to clearly understand you are not rejecting her completely, only certain facets of her behaviour to you are no longer acceptable as an adult.

[nuliajuk]

...The "no locks" law is my dad's, and he has some solid reasons for it, so I respect that. It's getting mom to quit barging in without breaking my dad's rule that's the issue...

You may have to break your dad's rule. If he complains, tell him he can switch back after you move out. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you can't tolerate this behaviour any longer, you might get him on your side or you might not. At least you'll have tried.
My mother also had no sense of boundaries. She'd come over to my first apartment without asking, wander into the bedroom and start rummaging through my closet, make snide remarks about my housekeeping (her house was a tip, but of course that was because "I have all these people to clean up after"). We've been estranged for decades (her idea) and I'm sadder about the fact that I don't really miss her than I am about the estrangement.

[MMEZ]

Perhaps instead of getting locks for the doors, you can get those little wedges that people use to keep doors open. Instead of keeping the door open, use the wedge on your side when you are inside. The door won't have a lock on it, but it will be very difficult to open from outside.

Sorry you are having to deal with this. Your mother sounds quite toxic. I disassociated from my parents about 6-8 months ago. Good luck and I hope things improve soon!

[indysteel]

My best advice beyond continuing to work with a therapist and moving out, is to read The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. As Crankin said, you need to draw and enforce strict boundaries with your mother. This book illustrates some strategies for how to do that and also helps anticipate the other person's reactions to that boundary setting. One typically doesn't learn how to do this overnight so work with your therapist on how to practice the strategies discussed in the book.

Good luck. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

[Biciclista]

I quit barging in on my children when they were 6 years old. If my husband was in the bathroom with the door shut, I would knock and ask to come in. I can't imagine doing that to anyone. I'd get out of there as fast as I could!

[lph]

Oh wow, Swan. To be honest I don't think you'll get very far with your mother. I think that's just too much to change when you have your own stuff to deal with and you also have to stay in the house on reasonably amicable terms.

Apart from moving out I can only second the idea that you enforce a couple of the things that trouble you the most, like putting a lock on your bedroom door and maybe on the one bathroom door, and letting the rest lie.

[Melalvai]

(((hugs)))

Whatever you do, it will be better if you ride your bike.
Seriously-- exercise helps us cope with all kinds of stuff. That is NOT to say that exercise will fix your situation. It won't. But it will help you deal with the emotions.

I've heard Florida is a terrible place to bike, so you'd best move to a different state!

We do not have any rules for our 17 yr old. She is an adult and capable of making her own rules and her own mistakes.

[shootingstar]

Swan I have a difficult mother and she is not perfect. But at least with 6 children, she did not barge into the bathroom (1 bathroom for 8 people) nor our bedrooms when she knew we may be changing our clothing, etc.

Crankin has given good advice. Harriet Lerner's book, DAnce of Anger is a good, useful book. She's written others too.

If you can, find a job ...and one day, you really really need to move out of home again. Otherwise it will be tough to find a way of breaking toxic relationship at home.

[Irulan]

Crankin's advice is the best ever. She just gave you about 3 months of therapy for free in that post.