What would you do -- neighbors want to be friends, we don't?

[emily_in_nc]

Ugh...neighbors in our condo building have been mentioning for months that they want to have us up to their beach house on a remote part of the island (accessible only by boat). We've managed to put them off by just not ever mentioning it, but now that they know we're moving back to the US in a little over a month, they've mentioned it again, and I expect they aren't going to let it go this time.

The thing is, they want us to bring our dog and spend the night! We hardly know this couple other than as friendly neighbors and have almost nothing in common with them. They are very well-off (own four homes, including two condos in our complex, this beach house up north, and a home in the US), quite a bit younger than us, and just not our type of people except for the fact that they love dogs.

I have no desire to spend the night up at their place nor deal with trying to ensure that our dogs all get along -- they have a young and very fiesty (though sweet) pit bull, and I can just see our also fiesty Boston Terrier getting into it with him, so it would not be relaxing at all. The only way I'd consider going is if it were just for the day (and we could leave our dog at home), but that would rely on them taking us up and back in their boat on the same day (we don't have a boat). I'm assuming they don't want to make the trip twice in a day, and that's why they want us to stay the night. Neither my DH nor I really have any interest in spending a day with these folks -- after we move, chances are we'll never, ever see them again.

We have no idea why they seem to want us to go up there so much -- they have friends visiting them here all the time, and they know we're leaving to move back to the US, so it's not like they need more friends. I guess they just want to show off their cool island beach house, but frankly, I'm not all that interested.

I just can't imagine having to make conversation with them all day long -- my DH and I are both introverted (they're the opposite) and just don't feel like getting close to them. If there were a bunch of people going, that would be fine, but just the four of us, I'm sure we'll be asked a lot of questions and be put on the spot. I know they're just being friendly, and I wish we weren't so anti-social, but it's not like these people are even our friends, though they make think they are -- they're really just neighbors. We're just very, very different people.

Any thoughts? I wish it weren't so socially unacceptable just to tell people you don't want to do something!

[Irulan]

Why not just a concise, " I know we've been neighbors for a while, but we are really not comfortable with this" Or, "No thank you but it just won't work for us". Its none of their business to know why. I know there is no ultra graceful way to do it, but you've got to do it somehow or you will be sorry.

I just don't understand why people are so afraid to say "no thank you" politely to something they really don't want to do. I don't' find it socially unacceptable, I just try and find a way to say it graciously, and point it to something being wrong with me , not them.

[lph]

To be honest, I would invent an excuse. Maybe it's cowardly, but I can't think of any polite way to say what you're trying to say - that they want to be friends more than you do.

Depending on your situation and how often you see them I'd say something like "Gee, I know we've been talking about this and it would be great fun, but our time here is running out and we've found out that we'd really prefer to just spend the last month at home without travelling." And then invite them to something less time-consuming, like dinner or a walk with the dogs. Or let them show you pictures of their beach house, if it's their pride and joy and they would just love to show you.

If you're really pressed for an excuse you could say your dog hates water, or boats or something... ;-)

[Crankin]

I'd just say no thanks, that I am too busy getting ready to move.
You're anti-social? I wouldn't have guessed that. I think you just don't like these people! When I moved back to MA, I invited many people over for dinner or dessert, just as I always did in AZ. Every single invitation was rebuffed. I don't know, this was normal to me. If I didn't like the people after one "date," then that was it. We've always been more involved with friends than with family (except our kids, of course) and that just isn't the case for a lot of people.
Well, I digress. You'll be able to meet lots of people you have stuff in common with, once you move.

[emily_in_nc]

Irulan, you are much braver than us...we have a really hard time just saying no to things we don't want to do if it's right to an individual or couple's face. Very different from RSVPing to a general party invitation or something.

lph, giving an excuse is much more our speed. Even if it's less honest and a bit of a cop-out, it spares people's feelings. If the "beach house visit" goes long enough without a set date, we really WILL have way too much to do since we have to pack and do a lot of "business" stuff to do before we leave the island, obviously.

They know our dog loves water as they see her playing in the ocean here -- and we used to own a sailboat, so I don't think we could use that excuse.

I'm almost hoping one of us gets sick, though that's a terrible thing to wish for!

[malkin]

I'd probably have a headache or some vague unspecified malaise.

[indysteel]

What lph said. I wish we lived in a world where a polite no thank you was all that was needed, but we don't. So just come up with some plausible excuse and leave it at that. Remember, at some point, you'll never see these people again, so don't agonize over it.

[Irulan]

Personally, I could never make an excuse that wasn't an actual reality and therefore not an excuse. I think the world would be better place if people did a lot less excuse making and just said what they needed to say politely, without excuses, justification or whatever. People should also mind their own business when someone says no to them and be ready to not take things personally.

[emily_in_nc]

What lph said. I wish we lived in a world where a polite no thank you was all that was needed, but we don't. So just come up with some plausible excuse and leave it at that. Remember, at some point, you'll never see these people again, so don't agonize over it.

You're exactly right, indy. I have to keep this in mind.

Can't just say I have a headache as then we could go the next day...this is not a one-day-only opportunity. Although if it gets to be the first week in March, we'll be way too busy as we're moving out of the country that weekend and have a long list of things that have to be done at the last minute. They have friends here until Feb. 18th, so there are really only about 10 days after that that we could possibly go -- I'm hoping they'll get so busy (they both work out of their home here) that it will slip their mind, and then it will be too late. If not, we'll figure out something to say. Once we're outta here, I sure won't lose any sleep over it, but until we're gone, it will be uncomfortable if we see them around.

[shootingstar]

I like Crankin's excuse suggestion the best: That you're too busy because you're preparing to move. Need to chill and relax.

You don't need to apologize even to yourselves for being anti-social. No doubt you've been sensing a vibe from this couple that really doesn't sit well with you and hubby. And there's no time really to invest much energy to figure them out.

[emily_in_nc]

I'd just say no thanks, that I am too busy getting ready to move.
You're anti-social? I wouldn't have guessed that. I think you just don't like these people! When I moved back to MA, I invited many people over for dinner or dessert, just as I always did in AZ. Every single invitation was rebuffed. I don't know, this was normal to me. If I didn't like the people after one "date," then that was it. We've always been more involved with friends than with family (except our kids, of course) and that just isn't the case for a lot of people.
Well, I digress. You'll be able to meet lots of people you have stuff in common with, once you move.

Sorry...missed your post, we must have been typing away at the same time!

Yeah, we're a little anti-social. We don't entertain, except family (rarely). We will go to parties from time to time but often beg off/make excuses. We're friendly, but we're both basically introverts who need a lot of recharge time. That's one thing that cycling gives us. And we have no desire to engage in small talk and superficial friendships unless we think we have quite a bit in common with the people. In this case, we don't. We don't dislike them, they just move in very different worlds. They're super wealthy, as I mentioned, younger, she's a fashion designer, and he's a former ski pro and rock guitarist who is now doing some sort of online business. About all we seem to have in common is being in Belize and loving dogs.

[emily_in_nc]

Partial truth. You'll be too stressed over having the dogs together for that long. Your little dog sometimes causes trouble with bigger dogs...this is common with small dogs.So it's plausible, and not an outright lie.

They will likely say their pittie loves dogs, and not to worry, and then you can say you are worried that yours will do something that provokes a response in the larger dog. (I encounter this a lot with my 3 Bostons, I don't like face-to-face meetings with big dogs. If something goes wrong, mine are so much smaller. And yet, Bostons are feisty, they are related to pitties, after all. They are certainly capable of starting something).

Just leave out the fact that you don't want to be stuck out in the middle of nowhere with no way to make a quick egress.

Thanks Sheila -- you understand Bostons, and everything you say is right. Paisley can be an instigator. She LOVES people, loves 'em, but she is unpredictable around other dogs. She actually sometimes does better around big dogs as she had several former big-dog playmates in NC. She can get kind of aggressive around small dogs that she thinks she can dominate. So that does get us out of staying overnight, but I still have to deal with the possibility that they might then suggest we leave her at home and just come for part of the day. That will be more challenging. But we do have a lot to do before moving and hopefully can play that to our advantage. You'd think they'd get the message, but they've mentioned this several times before, and I keep kind of putting them off. They don't seem to get it.

[goldfinch]

Sheila has the best excuse.

Or, you could say you have female troubles.

[Penny4]

Whatever you say, just be sure you practice it a few times, so you feel comfortable saying it when the time comes.

Just keep it short and simple...."Thank you so much for your offer! Unfortunately, we just can't fit that into our schedule."
If they push, just keep repeating it..."We just won't be able to squeeze it in." etc etc etc

If you are prepared, you don't have to hide from them, or worry about getting stuck in a situation you are not comfortable with.
Good Luck!

[Crankin]

Well, I am super social, but usually it's pretty clear if I have anything in common with people, so I tend to pursue those friendships. I rarely turn down social invitations unless I clearly don't like the people or I get a weird vibe. DH and I have gone out pretty much every Saturday night of our 33 year marriage, usually with others. We have more stay home weekends now, where we might ride with friends, but chill the rest of the weekend.
One thing I've learned, is that while cycling might be an initial thing I have in common with others, it doesn't mean I would really want to be close friends .