Wow. I so feel for you.

Everyone deals with grief in different ways and at different lengths of time. The fact that this happened while you were on a bike tour makes the bike a major trigger.

Having some pain of my own with certain triggers that are difficult to deal with, I do find that over time they lessen. The more you have positive experiences in relation to those triggers, for you the bike, the better it gets as well. Not as quickly as I would have hoped, and I don't know if those triggers will ever at the very least not be a subtle reminder of my pain, much less make me cry . . . but that is my hope.

As for your bike, your story reminds me of a cyclist friend, who's husband tragically died on his bike. She wasn't there when it happened, but I wondered if it would cause her to stay off her bike for at least a while, if not forever. However, it was the exact opposite. I believe cycling became her motivating factor to keep living life. A distraction from her pain and something to plan and look forward to. It was and is sort of connection to her husband, who lived and breathed cycling, raced, had a zillion bikes and bike paraphernalia all over the house. He died doing what he loved and she continued doing an activity they had shared a love for together.

She pushed herself to ride harder, get faster and gave herself goals to accomplish, including races that she did very well at.

I don't know if any of this is any sort of help to you, but maybe it's possible for you to shift your mind from connecting your bike to the pain of the tragedy, to using it to "live again". which I know is what you really want to do. It wasn't clear by your post if your ex-husband was on the bike tour and/or also loved riding. If he did ride, or even if he didn't, think of how sad he'd be to know that you aren't riding anymore and how happy he'd be if you were living life to the fullest and doing something you used to love.

I encourage you to keep going on short and easy rides with friends if that's all you can bring yourself to do. Try to plan rides to places, like bakeries or coffee places that make the rides kind of special. If riding harder or faster makes you feel good about yourself, then do that. If you only want to cruise for ten miles, then do that. Take your bike to other locations to ride where the scenery is different and interesting. Do whatever you can to make more and more positive memories and associations with the bike.

Maybe look up organized events and try to psych yourself to get ready for one.

I know it can be very difficult to read others words of encouragement. Sometimes those words can seem so futile and have no meaningful effect whatsoever. I recently got an email from someone who said things my "old self" would easily have said to someone in my current place, yet I just couldn't wrap my mind around it and let it penetrate me or change my mindset. It just made me cry.

It takes time, but hopefully you'll slowly gain back your love of cycling again. One day at a time.