talk me down off the ledge, please

[Bike Writer]

GLC, well I'm not going to talk you on or off of it as others have so aptly stated it's your decision. Having said that, your story is compelling me to not even think about the ledge. I've been having a wild idea over the last couple of months wondering what it might be like to quit coloring and just go grey. You story and observations over how you feel others are and have treated you is enough for me to crawl back into the cave and forget about getting near a ledge. You said when you were out of town that others were treating you as being older, those people didn't know the colored hair you, so their perspective is different.

I began graying early, just like my mom. She was snow white at 40 and I was born, she began coloring her hair after that. I'm assuming that people mistook me for her grandchild and that is what prompted her, but I don't know for sure. At this point I'm just glad to have hair at all. I lost it all to chemo in my 20's, it grew back thick as ever but with the meds I've taken for my RA and my last surgery I've gone through a spell of thinning.

[lph]

Aww, GLC, that sucks. You know I've gone grey as well. It varies how I feel about it, on good days I feel awesome, on bad days I feel like a frump.

I've only skimmed the thread fast so I'm probably repeating someone. But anyway: for some strange, obscure reason we probably will be laughing at in a few decades, women are not expected to have grey hair unless they're "old". No matter if they naturally grey at 20, 30 or whatever. And "old" is something every woman is supposed to dread. (What happened to "grown-up" or "adult", anyway? Why do we all want to be "young"? We spend many more years being just adults than being "young" or "old".)
It's dumb, and has nothing to do with reality. We scarcely even dare to say the word old, it's elderly, or senior or something else wishy-washy. So going grey is a bit like not trying to hide or enhance small boobs, or not trying to cover up wrinkles, or in the case of my dh, working part-time "even though" you're a man - you're doing something that's not quite what society expects and there will ALWAYS be dumb people jumping to dumb conclusions.

But for every dumb guy who thinks you have 40 year old kids (I mean, REALLY?! |-D) there are 15 women who pass you daily thinking "dang! She looked pretty hot with grey hair, and she's not old. She's just like me, actually. Maybe I could do that too."

And for all you know that guy is the guy everybody thinks is hopeless because he's always jumping to stupid and wrong conclusions, or maybe he went home that day and confessed to his wife that he did something really stupid that day.

So, do we look older or not? People will not stop thinking that grey looks older than not-grey until many many more people go naturally grey. That's just automatic assumptions because of how we were all brought up and there's nothing we can do about it. But you know - I know some pretty awesome people who are in their 60's. I'm 42. I should be trying to be more like them, not less. And there's nothing wrong with a semipermanent hair colouring either.

We should have a "it's none of your business what colour hair I have-day", and colour it all purple

[goldfinch]

Very good post lph.

I am gray and I look old. I am 58. Part of the reason I look old is that I lost a lot of weight and my face is more wrinkled than it was before I lost weight. People probably think I am older than I am. I try to embrace being older and think of myself as a good example of what you can be like as a retired person.

I never even thought of coloring my hair until reading some of the similar threads on the forum. Now I kind of want to try it just to see what it would be like. I seriously doubt I would stick with it.

We can all do what we want with this. There are so many societal and business pressures that whatever choice a person makes is beyond criticism to me.

[lph]

btw, for a style icon you could do a lot worse than Norwegian writer Hanne Ørstavik:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hanne_%C3%98rstavik

I'm not sure how the first letter of her last name turns out, it's an O with a slash through it. But google her name for more photos if you can. She has been grey since her early twenties and looks absolutely smoking fantastic.

It helps having a great haircut and being thin and waiflike, of course ;-)

[Crankin]

I guess I'm Peter Pan....
I am happy with who I am inside, I just don't want to look/be thought of as old. I am not sure if this really is a woman thing. My DH feels even more strongly than I do about this. I appreciate having wisdom, but I just hate it when I get the condescending voice when someone thinks he or she is speaking to an older person who has no brains.

[lph]

Actually, I just thought of something. When you see a guy from behind with no hair or a very short buzzcut - do you think old or young? Or do you wait until you see his face?

When I was growing up bald men were old, period. Now very short hair or bald heads are all the rage, over here at least, so it's just as likely that a bald guy is his twenties as in his sixties. Just something to ponder. Times do change.

[OakLeaf]

when someone thinks he or she is speaking to an older person who has no brains.

And there you have it. We're really talking about two separate things here.

The idea that older women are worth less than older men.

And the idea that older people have no brains.

(My personal stereotype, that I do try to fight but still find myself involuntarily holding, is that older people have no manners. But I think that if I had to go around all day with people assuming I had no brains, I'd lose my manners pretty quickly.)

[Artista]

I also have some gray that mostly blends into my medium brown hair. I used to highlight my hair to ensure that the gray wasn't apparent. I grew weary of the time and expense involved in highlighting and decided to spend less time in the stylist's chair and more time on my bike. I'm not entirely comfortable with the gray and sometimes consider highlighting again. The last time I considered it was when you posted the picture of yourself after going totally gray and cutting your hair short. I thought that you looked so darn cute that I decided to leave my own hair alone.

So to whomever posted about you being an unwitting inspiration to other women, +1!

[lauraelmore1033]

Ha! don't get me started! People have been asking if my husband is my son since I was 28--well before I had any hairs even thinking about going grey. We are the same age, by the way. Societal attitudes about women and age and weight and attractiveness have always been a hot button for me. Do to your hair whatever makes YOU feel attractive and pay no mind to what the clueless think.

[SheFly]

GLC - GET OFF THE LEDGE!

You know me - same age as you, and gray hair. Also short. I've met you, and you DO NOT LOOK OLD! I've seen pics of you with gray hair - still not old. Ultimately, you have to do what feels best for you. Do I get agitated when the nitwits at the grocery store call me ma'am? Yes, but I let it slide off.

I am happy with who I am. I like my hair the way it is (low fuss, no muss, and NO MAINTENANCE). I know that you are happy with who you are - you just have to get to a point where what others think doesn't bother you.

I think your hair is cute. You off the ledge yet????

SheFly

[GLC1968]

Thank you everyone! You all have helped me immensely.

When I went back and reread my post (after the emotions had dissipated) the part that stuck out was when I wrote "I LIKE being different". I do. Even if that means that people don't 'get' me. Like someone else mentioned, I've spent my life being mistaken for 10 - 15 years younger than I am, so it's a pretty big shift to now be mistaken for someone older. I've laughed out loud walking through airports when guys who are my fathers age eye me like 'hey, hot woman my own age'. I don't take offense...I just find it hilarious!

similingcat - this guy was not an engineer...he's a recruiter and actually has quite good social skills even if he is a few cards short of a full deck. I suppose I could take the direction that I look age appropriate now, but 9 years ago, I looked significantly younger. Maybe I looked early 20's in my wedding photo to him? Yeah, that's it! See! Compliment!!

LPH - thanks for your thoughts and for posting that woman's name. I have a collection of images of women with grey hair that I've saved over the years as inspiration and I'll definitely add her. I'm tired of Jamie Lee Curtis references! Actually, my mom is half Norwegian and she's where I get my grey hair so it's kind of appropriate. My mom had a grey streak in her HS graduation photo but she's blonde so it's not as obvious as my dark hair. My mom is now 100% natural (at 71) and it's platinum/white. I hope I'm white soon as I LOVE the white part of my hair. It's so edgy and such a HUGE contrast to my skin and eye color (again, I'm dark while my mom is green-eyed).

SheFly - thank you. You still remain one of my inspirations, so I appreciate the pep talk!

Crankin - wanna see what I look like with grey hair in real life? I'm coming to Chelmsford next month! Do you (and SheFly) want to meet up again?

[Becky]

Do I get agitated when the nitwits at the grocery store call me ma'am? Yes, but I let it slide off.

Threadjack here: Perhaps they just grew up in a part of the country where "sir" and "ma'am" are respectful, regardless of age?

Back to the regularly-scheduled thread: GLC, I've only seen one or two pictures of you, but I think your hair is very striking and not "old" at all.