Reminders- age but different life choices

[indysteel]

When I first started riding in 2006 at age 37, I was lucky to hook up with a rather diverse group of people, most of whom were either childless or empty nesters. Most of them were a bit (or more) older than me, but I found that I had far more in common with them in terms of interests and viewpoint than I did with people who were more my age but were in thick of raising families. Even those among the group that had young children were extremely active. If they ran or biked, their kids were with them one way or another.

I don't want to make it seem like I have anything against children or my friends with children, but there definitely came a point in my early to mid-30s where a divide developed and meeting people who did not have young children and/or who weren't married was really significant to me. I stopped feeling like this sad spinster, and I started to see a world of possibility. When I'd go out with my married with kids friends, I always ended up feeling like an alien. I'd get these uninvited "pep talks" that I'd meet someone someday. When I tried to tell them that I wasn't in some indefinite holding pattern, it was clear that they just didn't get it or didn't believe me. Now, as "luck" would have it, I ended up meeting DH through cycling and we got married after dating for about a year and a half, but I still feel rather liberated at this point that I don't view my childless life as lacking in some crucial way. I think kids are wonderful--for those who truly want to parent, but it wasn't for me.

As for being faced with the reality of growing older, I see that as somewhat liberating, too. Admittedly, aging can bring serious problems for sure, but assuming continued good health and employment, I'd like to think that DH and I are setting ourselves up for an enjoyable retirement. Many of my riding friends are now working a bit less or are fully retired. They're taking fantastic trips and really enjoying the company of their SOs, families and friends. I see it in a positive light. Plus, the older I get, the less fixated I am on the concerns of my youth. Concerns that seem really petty now. My priorities are much clearer and I have a stronger sense of the person I want to be, a sense that wasn't fully formed even just 10 years ago. I feel much more comfortable in my skin.

[GLC1968]

I don't want to make it seem like I have anything against children or my friends with children, but there definitely came a point in my early to mid-30s where a divide developed and meeting people who did not have young children and/or who weren't married was really significant to me. I stopped feeling like this sad spinster, and I started to see a world of possibility. When I'd go out with my married with kids friends, I always ended up feeling like an alien. I'd get these uninvited "pep talks" that I'd meet someone someday. When I tried to tell them that I wasn't in some indefinite holding pattern, it was clear that they just didn't get it or didn't believe me. Now, as "luck" would have it, I ended up meeting DH through cycling and we got married after dating for about a year and a half, but I still feel rather liberated at this point that I don't view my childless life as lacking in some crucial way. I think kids are wonderful--for those who truly want to parent, but it wasn't for me.

I agree 100%. My reference to not having children was more about not having constantly changing reminders about time passing (since kids grow so fast!), and less about what having children means for one's lifestyle. Though I experienced the same divide in my early 30's prior to having met my husband as well. And even after we did marry, the constant questions in the early years about 'when are you two going to start trying' really annoyed the *$)&(%) out of me. (There is one advantage to wearing grey hair...people stop asking when you are going to have kids!). I really feel for those who want children and for whatever reason can't have them...but for us, it was a simple choice and neither of us regret it at all. Though again, it's liberating to be in an area where we aren't considered freaks for making that choice.

I've had a real peek into what my world could have been like had we not been active people (first with months on crutches and now in PT where most of the other people there are not much older than me but clearly have chronic mobility problems to deal with...). Staying healthy and active has always kind of been a 'given' for both my husband and I, but I'm learning to appreciate it more and more as time progresses.

[indysteel]

My reference to not having children was more about not having constantly changing reminders about time passing (since kids grow so fast!)

That makes sense. I can tell that my friends with kids measure life by semesters and fall, spring and summer breaks, just as I did when I was young/in school.

[GLC1968]

That makes sense. I can tell that my friends with kids measure life by semesters and fall, spring and summer breaks, just as I did when I was young/in school.

Heh, now that I do so much recruiting at universities - I find myself back on that 'fall starts the new year' mentality myself!

[indysteel]

That's one thing that I really miss about school--that sense of a new beginning/fresh start each semester. Now it's the same thing year after year. I've been doing my job long enough now that things that happened 10 years ago feel like they happened just last year and things that happened just last year feel like they happened 10 years ago. It's just this one gigantic blur.

[lph]

I'm curious as to why several of you mention being surprised that co-workers have parents your age. I'm 43, and some of my youngest co-workers are in the early twenties, young enough for me technically to be their mother. Though I'll admit that I would be surprised too if they had parents my age, since the average age for a first birth is late twenties. But I'd pretty much expect that to be the case if I were ten years older.

Maybe it is the case that having kids (in my case kid) make you more aware of the passing of time. My son is very obviously a tall, lanky, moustachioed young man now, not a child, and I can visualize him having kids of his own even though I'm not expecting them anytime soon (dear god, no :-0). But I guess the awareness that I'm approaching grandmotherable age is kinda there, no matter how fit or active I am physically. And since I have grey hair too now people have stopped nagging me about having "another one" But I have close friends my own age or just a few years younger who want and are trying to have kids, so the very clear-cut generation divides aren't really there anymore.

But as to whether kids change an active lifestyle - it surely is harder to keep up a very active lifestyle once you have a child in the equation too, especially two, and school holidays are unfortunately limiting. I seriously missed not being able to travel when I wanted to, once I had a schoolchild. But I got a lot better at including physical activity in my everyday life, because that's where it had to be. Ok, so I didn't go to Antarctica, but I got pretty good at rock climbing, and biking everywhere, and I took up kayaking. And Antarctica is still there. I've met people who've said to us as young parents, as a compliment, "it's so nice to see that "life doesn't end" once you become a parent". And I thought "well, who told you it did in the first place?"

[indysteel]

Generally speaking, my friends that were physically active prior to having kids, continue to be active even though it can be challenging. Those that weren't active prior to having kids continue to be inactive. They'd like to fault the kids for this, but I would assume that in their more honest moments, they would admit that it's perhaps not that simple. That's not to suggest that I don't understand the challenges. Heck, even without children, it can be hard.

[lph]

Generally speaking, my friends that were physically active prior to having kids, continue to be active even though it can be challenging. Those that weren't active prior to having kids continue to be inactive. They'd like to fault the kids for this, but I would assume that in their more honest moments, they would admit that it's perhaps not that simple. That's not to suggest that I don't understand the challenges. Heck, even without children, it can be hard.

Yup, I think children are just one thing that can make it more of a challenge to stay physically active, but there are many other things too, a stressful or challenging job, a long commute, sick or elderly parents or any number of things can be just as much a drain on your resources and time. Ack, I don't mean a drain. Just that life can be more or less full of things to do or handle, and a day is only so long. Physical activity is important to my mental wellbeing even more than my physical, so I find it relatively easy to give it high priority. If I'd felt it was a huge struggle I'd probably be among the ones who let it go as soon as I had a kid to blame

[Serendipity]

I'm curious as to why several of you mention being surprised that co-workers have parents your age. I'm 43, and some of my youngest co-workers are in the early twenties, young enough for me technically to be their mother. Though I'll admit that I would be surprised too if they had parents my age, since the average age for a first birth is late twenties. But I'd pretty much expect that to be the case if I were ten years older.

lph, my take on this is that it isn't so much being surprised that co-workers have parents my age, it's more a sense of realization that I am the same age as my co-workers' parents. As in - 'how did that happen?' or 'where did all those years go?'. Conversely, what often startles me is to realize that some of my co-workers are the same age (or younger) than my children!!! Yikes! Again, it's an in-your-face realization that I've forgotten how old I actually am (54).

Hope that makes sense.

[nuliajuk]

Last summer I was on my company's dragon boat team. Between races, one of my team-mates started gushing about a breast cancer survivor's team that was competing and doing very well. "And they're all really old, like over 50!" I didn't know whether to laugh out loud and point out that I'm 54 or feel slightly offended.

[shootingstar]

Though I not at all one that wants to shout out my age to people in my workplace (that wouldn't go over well with some co-workers who are in their mid to late '20s. They would shrug: "So what?"), I would have at least responded to the innocent team-mate: No, they're not old: these women are survivors for life.