Reminders- age but different life choices

[shootingstar]

Chatted up with another employee about our holiday weekend (which is now) and our family get-togethers. She is a youngish employee married with 2 young kids, but I think she's tired of having her family live with them (her divorced parents. 2 siblings). She looks forward to some members having their own place which will happen.

I also found out her mother was.....53.

I kept my mouth shut: I am 53. I don't offer up my age to people at work. I just spread rumours I'm over mid-40's or past half a century.

However those at work, I know who will retire in the next 2-5 yrs., mention their age freely.

[roadie gal]

I'm also 53. I'm constantly amazed when I find out co-workers parents are my age. I don't know why but it seems that parents should be older than me!

[tealtreak]

it all depends when you have kids (and how many lol)...I am 51 but since my surprise baby is only in 7th grade.....I encounter Grandparents at her school functions that are not much older than I am (:

[Catrin]

I turn 53 in two weeks, and I am far more comfortable mentioning my age these days than I once was. It seems as I "age backwards" and have become extremely active that the number no longer really matters much to me. I agree it feels odd when you run across someone your age who has made much different life choices.

[indysteel]

I have a friend who had her first child at age 39 and another at 41. She doesn't look old for her age. She is probably 20-30 pounds overweight, but that's neither here nor there as far as it making her look older. On more than one occasion, she's been mistaken for their grandmother. As you might imagine, it really bums her out.

I have to admit to feeling somewhat conscious of my age relative to others, in part, because I'm married to someone much younger than. With him, I don't feel the difference all that much. With his friends, I do for sure. We've had reason to see a big group of them lately. Sometimes, I take comfort in being older and, in some ways, wiser and more experienced. I'm arguably in better shape than many of them, too, physically and financially, which soothes my ego when I've feeling "old." We have no intention of having kids, so that creates a disconnect on some level, especially among my husband's friends' spouses. I'm used to that with my own friends though, too. But my friends with kids are old enough at this point to see the green grass on both sides of that equation. So, we usually don't struggle to find a good middle ground.

[shootingstar]

Guess, it depends how one handles stress of parenting and one's personality temperment. Generally speaking I do notice those who try to be more physically active for several years before and after pregnancy, it seems to help them, as well as for the long term. Frankly I'm just impressed by the level energy required to be a parent for more than 1 young child especially as one ages.

What is the age gap betwee you and SO, indy?
Mine is 16 yrs....but he tends to hang around fairly active (cycling) folks around his age. So I genuinely have a warped sense of what 69 looks like. He has 2 young grandchildren.

The only thing that I even share remotely with any 53 yr. grandmother, is that my eldest niece is 26 yrs. old. (From a sister 1 yr. younger than I.) She is the eldest of the whole bunch of nieces and nephews..with the youngest nearly 3 yrs. old. My youngest sister had her first child at 40.

It is a large age range, but kind of neat to see of them interact among one another, within 1 generation.

[indysteel]

DH is twelve years my junior. I'm not sure why, but most people seem more comfortable with the idea of a younger woman marrying a younger man, so I often brace myself for a negative reaction. For us, it was obviously crucial that neither of us wanted children. I will admit to some unease with the age difference as I worry about what the future will hold for us as I age well in advance of him. It is an added incentive to stay active and healty--to the extent I can control such things. Sometimes my body doesn't want to cooperate and tha'ts frustrating. I do know that I already have a leg up on many of my peers in terms of fitness, and my attitude about aging and retirement is important, too. DH's parents had him when they were older, and they're setting a fine example (as is my own father) on how we don't want to live post-retirement. They just seem so much older than they actually are, both physically and mentally. They've allowed their worlds to constrict to almost nothing other than trips to Walmart and the occasional group tour vacation. Granted, I should try not to judge, but it's hard not to see their current lives as the sum of a lot of other decisions. Decisions about fitness, activity levels, friendships, and personal fulfillment. I want to be very deliberate in how I approach the next thirty or more years of my life. I don't want inertia to set in, and I sometimes think having a younger husband will almost compel that.

[Crankin]

Well, I had my first child 3 weeks before I turned 29, which was 30 years ago today! Temporarily feeling old.
I thought 29 was about average to have a kid; I mean I had a house, a good job, and a master's degree along with a husband. All of my mom friends in Az were my age, except one. Then when I moved here, I was usually the youngest mom. Everyone here waits until at least 35 or 40.
Personally, I am glad I am free now. My friend from college, who is a year younger than me is a 2 time grandmother and her kids are the same age as mine.

[indysteel]

My boss turned 67 in August and just sent his youngest to college last month. He married his second wife when he was in his mid-40s and she was in her mid-30s. The second of their two children was a bit of a surprise. On some level, I think that child has kept him more active than he might have otherwise been, but on another, I think the stress of dealing with a teenager when he might have otherwise been an empty nester has taken a toll on him.

[GLC1968]

I want to be very deliberate in how I approach the next thirty or more years of my life. I don't want inertia to set in, and I sometimes think having a younger husband will almost compel that.

I totally get this and my husband and I feel the same way (he is only 1 year younger than me but loves pointing it out!).

We feel a bit like we've been living in an ageless bubble for the past 10 years though. We both started second careers in our 30's, met in our 30's, got married at 35 and don't have (or want) children. On top of that, my parents are the only ones surviving and they are quite young for their chronological ages (70 & 71 and still playing regular tennis, golf, bowling, etc). Our only sibling (my brother), also married late, has no children and both he and his wife started second-careers near 30 too (though she is just now 30, so there is time for kids in their future). Without any family children or any obvious ways to gauge time passing (like old-acting parents), we have no idea that time is truly passing! Add to that the oddity that for quite some time, all of our friends were significantly younger than us (ie, those also without children), left us with a weird sense of how old we are.

We are starting to make more friends our own age. Partly because we now live in a place were it is more socially acceptable to be childless by choice and partly because people our own age have children that are 'leaving the nest' now. It's weird, but I still think I'm in my mid-30's and I'm having a hard time learning to adjust to being my own age! Retirement planning, grey hair and age-appropriate friends are forcing me to face reality. Having my annual OB-GYN appointment yesterday was weird. They asked about hot flashes, night sweats, irregular periods and osteoporosis! What?? I'm still too young to worry about that stuff, aren't I?

[indysteel]

When I first started riding in 2006 at age 37, I was lucky to hook up with a rather diverse group of people, most of whom were either childless or empty nesters. Most of them were a bit (or more) older than me, but I found that I had far more in common with them in terms of interests and viewpoint than I did with people who were more my age but were in thick of raising families. Even those among the group that had young children were extremely active. If they ran or biked, their kids were with them one way or another.

I don't want to make it seem like I have anything against children or my friends with children, but there definitely came a point in my early to mid-30s where a divide developed and meeting people who did not have young children and/or who weren't married was really significant to me. I stopped feeling like this sad spinster, and I started to see a world of possibility. When I'd go out with my married with kids friends, I always ended up feeling like an alien. I'd get these uninvited "pep talks" that I'd meet someone someday. When I tried to tell them that I wasn't in some indefinite holding pattern, it was clear that they just didn't get it or didn't believe me. Now, as "luck" would have it, I ended up meeting DH through cycling and we got married after dating for about a year and a half, but I still feel rather liberated at this point that I don't view my childless life as lacking in some crucial way. I think kids are wonderful--for those who truly want to parent, but it wasn't for me.

As for being faced with the reality of growing older, I see that as somewhat liberating, too. Admittedly, aging can bring serious problems for sure, but assuming continued good health and employment, I'd like to think that DH and I are setting ourselves up for an enjoyable retirement. Many of my riding friends are now working a bit less or are fully retired. They're taking fantastic trips and really enjoying the company of their SOs, families and friends. I see it in a positive light. Plus, the older I get, the less fixated I am on the concerns of my youth. Concerns that seem really petty now. My priorities are much clearer and I have a stronger sense of the person I want to be, a sense that wasn't fully formed even just 10 years ago. I feel much more comfortable in my skin.

[shootingstar]

[ I want to be very deliberate in how I approach the next thirty or more years of my life. I don't want inertia to set in, and I sometimes think having a younger husband will almost compel that.

I am not certain if me being younger, compels him to stay fit. I mean, really he's the one cycling across North America..right now. Not me. He's the one who has cycled several times across North America by himself, over the last 15 years.

I forgot to ask him how much mileage he's piled in right now (ie. 2,800km.???? I dunno, I better check with him.). He's heading towards Santa Cruz, CA ...originally started in Calgary, Alberta which 300 km. north of the U.S. border. He is finding it's better to scale down right now, to 80 km. of loaded cycling daily --after pullling in 100 km. days at least 75% of the time since beginning of Sept.

He is not superman, since his knee acts up when we go snowshoeing on long hikes on some steeper routes in the mountains. He has gained weight but disciplined himself 7 months ago and lost 25 lbs. (He originally lost 50 lbs. when I met him.).

I just want him safe on the road --it is not heart failure I worry about (he has excellent heart condition), it is some irresponsible drivers on the road. As a cyclist, I am probably the only person in his life that knows/hears/understands his daily triumphs and tribulations on the road. When I look at his photos while on he's on his trip, there are some long, lonely stretches in some remote areas. Of course this type of cycling, mentally is probably better achieved not by older teenagers, but anyone with other life eperiences under their belt where one has to persevere.

Indy- I am deliberate in how I use my vacation time ..it is now that I travel with him. Not to wait until I retire. I'm not concerned about that since there will be other friends at my age to cycle/do stuff later. I didn't really think about this until about 5 yrs. ago, when I went through upheaval due to job changes, etc.

[GLC1968]

I don't want to make it seem like I have anything against children or my friends with children, but there definitely came a point in my early to mid-30s where a divide developed and meeting people who did not have young children and/or who weren't married was really significant to me. I stopped feeling like this sad spinster, and I started to see a world of possibility. When I'd go out with my married with kids friends, I always ended up feeling like an alien. I'd get these uninvited "pep talks" that I'd meet someone someday. When I tried to tell them that I wasn't in some indefinite holding pattern, it was clear that they just didn't get it or didn't believe me. Now, as "luck" would have it, I ended up meeting DH through cycling and we got married after dating for about a year and a half, but I still feel rather liberated at this point that I don't view my childless life as lacking in some crucial way. I think kids are wonderful--for those who truly want to parent, but it wasn't for me.

I agree 100%. My reference to not having children was more about not having constantly changing reminders about time passing (since kids grow so fast!), and less about what having children means for one's lifestyle. Though I experienced the same divide in my early 30's prior to having met my husband as well. And even after we did marry, the constant questions in the early years about 'when are you two going to start trying' really annoyed the *$)&(%) out of me. (There is one advantage to wearing grey hair...people stop asking when you are going to have kids!). I really feel for those who want children and for whatever reason can't have them...but for us, it was a simple choice and neither of us regret it at all. Though again, it's liberating to be in an area where we aren't considered freaks for making that choice.

I've had a real peek into what my world could have been like had we not been active people (first with months on crutches and now in PT where most of the other people there are not much older than me but clearly have chronic mobility problems to deal with...). Staying healthy and active has always kind of been a 'given' for both my husband and I, but I'm learning to appreciate it more and more as time progresses.

[indysteel]

My reference to not having children was more about not having constantly changing reminders about time passing (since kids grow so fast!)

That makes sense. I can tell that my friends with kids measure life by semesters and fall, spring and summer breaks, just as I did when I was young/in school.

[GLC1968]

That makes sense. I can tell that my friends with kids measure life by semesters and fall, spring and summer breaks, just as I did when I was young/in school.

Heh, now that I do so much recruiting at universities - I find myself back on that 'fall starts the new year' mentality myself!