mother daughter relationships

[limewave]

(((Badger))). I know all too well how hard it is to have a mother who isn't the mother you need, want or deserve. The best advice I can give you is to accept that her negativity is all about her and has nothing to do with you. Try not to internalize it.

Congrats on your car! My husband works for a diesel engine manufacturer and he gives you a thumbs up for choosing that Jetta!

I agree with Indy, it has to do with your mother's issues. It's so hard to be around people like that and, being your mother, its not like you can distance that relationship. Boundaries was a great book for me, really helped me develop healthy relationships with my own mother and others. May be worth checking out . . . He also wrote a few other books on the same topic: Safe People and Necessary Endings.

[Red Rock]

Badger, I hope things work out for the best for both of you. Sorry I can't really add anything more. Congrats on your car though.

I am minus my mother since I was 25 or so. So I miss all of the times that we could have been together to enjoy "girl" things. Not at my wedding...and other things that happen in your life. I have had my Dad for that. I have had to struggle with what I can tell him and what I can't because I'm a woman and he won't understand. I could talk to my mom about everything. For those of you who do have a mom, appreciate what she does for you, if you can handle (deal) with it.

Red Rock

[Crankin]

I often feel like that, Red Rock. My mom died in 1996. Of course, she was cool, in the same way I hope my sons say I am cool. We had our moments, but nothing more than the usual. She missed my sons' graduations, marriages, our houses in Boxborough and Concord, and all of our cycling stuff. The best thing she told me was that to make sure DH and I had a hobby we could do together. This was about 2 years before DH started riding and about 4 years before I did. At the time, my kids were in middle school and quickly becoming independent. How true those words were.
On the other hand, if my mom was like her sister (the relative I have cut all ties with), I wouldn't have hesitated to keep those boundaries firm.

[grey]

I'm in the camp with a difficult mother. She was physically, verbally, emotionally abusive toward me growing up. It wasn't until I met DH I learned what a mother is - I have the BEST mother in law possible. For all the cutting remarks I get from my mother, my MIL is my cheerleader and friend. I can confide in her, ask advice, spend a pleasant afternoon together. Were I to confide in my mother, it would be turned against me in the worst possible way, probably announced to family. If I were to ask her advice, I would be ridiculed or picked apart, or even snapped at for asking.

Right now, I am still recovering from a 5 day visit with the parents. Still picking myself back up, finding my self esteem and my drive, and let go of the barbs that were sunk in while they were here. Badger, I know how hard it is. Nothing is ever good enough. You will never make her happy - and something DH has tried and tried to teach me is, it doesn't matter. What matters is if you are happy, and feel you are successful. Not her.