Quote Originally Posted by colby View Post
Knowing the difference between dread and nervous anxiety is huge, it can be really subtle, and you might not actually know until AFTER you get to the point you need to test it.
I was talking to a girlfriend about this point today. I *do* know the difference. Last summer I did PBP, as you know. I trained really hard for that. Put on the time, happily. It was hard work and a huge time suck, but that's ok because I loved every minute of it. Not all of my qualifying brevets went perfectly, but that's ok. I learned from each and every one, and refined my strategies as I went along. My dry run, as it were, was the 1000k I did in June. It was hard, really hard, and I had my share of low points on that ride but I got through it ( to which I still owe a debt if gratitude to Salsa's husband) and I learned a lot. When I flew off to France, I was totally stoked and looking forward to the ride. Sure, I was nervous and had a certain sense of trepidation, but I never doubted my preparedness for it, or my physical and mental capabilities for accomplishing it. I knew I had it in me.

But this ironman swim thing has really had me tied up in knots. It's been a struggle all season long. Short of seeing a sports psychologist, I've tried pretty much everything. In addition to all the OWS races and practice, I took swim lessons all spring. And I have made progress. My first OWS swim if the season I could barely make 500 yards with an escort. By June I managed a 2000m OWS race in under 43 minutes. The problem is that it's still such a crapshoot. Sometimes I'm calm, sometimes I'm a total basket case. I really do dread every outing and Canada scares the s h I t out of me. I think the root cause is that I just don't have the same confidence in my abilities as a swimmer. I'm not a strong swimmer, I lack endurance, I lack technique, I'm afraid of drowning (really truly viscerally afraid of it. Interestingly, so is my mom, so much so that she won't even take a bath. Shower only!), etc. all of these things turn me into a nervous wreck every time I get in the water. Shorter races aren't so bad. I guess I know by now that I can muddle through them. But I'm still just a basket case approaching the longer ones.

I haven't given up the idea of doing an ironman some day. Maybe for my 50th birthday. That would be a very life affirming goal for me.