After lots of time staring at my feet as I veg on the couch resting my sore calf, I migh have figured out the problem.

My feet would probably be at least 2 sizes smaller if I didn't have such GIGANTIC monkey toes. I'm not kidding. My big toes are practically opposable.

So clearly, I should just buy a size 8 shoe and cut holes for my toes. Ta-da!! Problem solved.