Bike Lust is straining my (human) relationship

[Anelia]

And for over a year my husband has been trying to convince me that I need a new laptop. My old one is falling into pieces but I resist buying another one until this one stops working.
I know he has a dream about a full suspension bike but he is not going to get it as long as he doesn't ride as much. He rides only about 100 km per month, including commuting so it's not worth spending $ 2+ k on a new bike. He rides now my old bike which is not bad at all (Rock Shox Tora 302 fork, Sram 7 derailleur, Juicy 5 brakes).

[Crankin]

I don't know if it's a control issue. There's a lot of factors involved. It sounds more like not understanding the whole deal about cycling, equipment, and all the accompanying stuff, as well as some jealousy. Truthfully, I would be pissed if my DH, suddenly wanted to spend a lot of time away from me, doing some "hobby." I know, this sounds weird, but we spend just about all of our free time together, well, cycling, and doing other sports, as well as a lot of socializing with friends, eating out, etc. We both have intense jobs and I am happy to spend my time with my DH, ride our bikes, and do other cool stuff. Some people think we are "weird," but I really have no desire to spend time going off with my friends or work colleagues. I do go out to lunch and other stuff with women friends occasionally, and i ride with a few people, but generally, I am happy to be with him. Our finances are joint and we basically have the attitude of unless it's a major purchase, we each buy what we want. Of course we are at the stage of life that we can afford to do this. Sure, some of DH's home or electronic things are kind of dumb in my mind, and I don't use half the stuff in my house, but it makes him happy.
If money isn't an issue, then I would try to dig deeper, to see what the issue is. You may need some brief couples counseling to solve this, as it's really not about cycling, and it will bubble up again.

[ny biker]

Well I'm not married and I'm not a therapist and I don't know either of you, but here are a few things I'm noticing.

You keep cars/trucks for a long time. Your husband might see your bike the same way as a car -- it still works, it gets you where you want to go, so you don't need a new one. I have some family members who are like this -- they keep things forever, fix them when they break instead of replacing them, don't see the point of getting something new just because it's considered "better technology," because the old thing still works fine.

I think PCs are in a different category from bikes -- if you don't upgrade or replace them, after not too many years they fail to work well for you. You need more RAM, more memory, a new operating system, USB ports instead of disc drives, etc. Otherwise you can't install the new software you want to buy or it takes forever to download anything from the internet or there are security issues because the old operating system is not supported anymore.

But a bike can still be ridden, unless something physically breaks on it. And if you're not the one riding it for hours on end, you might not understand why it's worth a couple of thousand dollars to replace a bike with something lighter or better fitting or with components that work more reliably.

[Medianox]

Thanks again for all your thoughtful replies.

A little more background is needed maybe to place some things in perspective.
I am by nature, not a very social person. I like doing things on my own, solo, and not in large groups. My DH is a quiet guy, but is far more social than I am. As with most couples who are together a long time, we have certain understandings. He has a large group of male friends that he gets together with a couple of times a year. They are all involved with sports and they use these weekends to catch up and bond. This involves traveling because they all live in different parts of the state. As we have 2 not yet teenage children, I stay home and tend to them. I do not ever refuse him these weekends as he has a great deal of job stress and it helps him balance everything in his life.
I, on the other hand, am quiet and pretty shy. I go to my work (also a stressful job) and come home. I take the boys to school and pick them up. I do not travel much on my own and dislike driving (the main reason I kept my car for so long-it simply did not matter to me what I drove or how it looked-all it did was get me to work). Most of my friends live nearby. Biking is a major part of my life, I love it and am serious about it. It is my main outdoor activity, besides walking or hiking.
My DH fully supports my cycling as he sees it as a healthy way for me to de-stress, exercise and get out of the house on a regular basis. I am in very good shape and am not overweight. I eat a balanced diet, rarely drink and do not smoke. That is what confuses me about the "not ever getting another bike" thing. He even says that he knows that cycling has been a highly positive force in my life, so I don't understand why wouldn't he want me to be happy doing it with good solid gear that helps me participate in the activity that I love. I understand very well about the whole "upgrading the PC" thing and yes, after a time you reach a point where older equipment doesn't keep pace with the newer software, games, etc. so you do need to improve your hardware. I am not asking him to buy me new bike, just as I did not ask him for money to buy my commuter, just as he used his own money to get the parts for his PC. If a new bike is purchased, it will be done by me with my own funds. I see it as a fairly simple matter of outgrowing my equipment and moving on to something that is more comfortable and efficient. I don't get upset when he travels with his friends, upgrades his pc, or anything like that so I do have a problem with his attitude when I mention getting a new bike.
It is not critical that I get a one immediately, the one I have is functional and I can certainly make do with it and keep saving money on the side. While I can use the one I have, I feel that I should not really have to justify my desire to trade up to a new bike to him in this regard. It is not a case of "status" or simply wanting something new for the sake of spending money. That is what is bugging me the most. He simpy cuts me off in the discussion when I bring it up. It is specifically a bike related thing because he doesn't have the same attitude when I mention anything else (yarn, art supplies, home items, clothing, etc).
Sorry for running so long.

[Irulan]

It sounds to me like you all haven't had a really clear conversation about money. Sure you may use your own money, but have you had the conversion where the decision was made about "I get to spend X amount of my own money on whatever I want and you don't get to comment on it ( and so do you)"? Are your mutual savings goals met? Is there debt in the family? Money is one the most common things that people do not communicate well about.

[Medianox]

[QUOTE=Irulan;644324]It sounds to me like you all haven't had a really clear conversation about money. Sure you may use your own money, but have you had the conversion where the decision was made about "I get to spend X amount of my own money on whatever I want and you don't get to comment on it ( and so do you)"? Are your mutual savings goals met? Is there debt in the family? Money is one the most common things that people do not communicate well about.[/QUOTE


I agree, money is a huge stumbling block in relationships, but we do openly discuss our finances and keep each other informed. We both have retirement accounts and pay all our (few) bills on time. As any couple with kids knows, saving is tough but we manage to do what we can. We do have those talks, and this is part of what baffles me so much about his approach to the whole new bike thing. I could understand it better if we DIDN'T talk about money, but we do. I think, since he bought my first bike as a present, he sees it as a rejection of his gift, which it is not. I don't understand why a guy would see it that way. I would say (if the positions were reversed), "hey, that's great that you have outgrown your first bike and want to move up to something better because you are improving" but I know he doesn't view it like that.
When he was younger, he raced motorcycles with his dad, so I know he has some familiarity with an "equipment-heavy" sport...not a totally new concept to him.
I feel guilty even reading reviews or looking at bikes online and I don't think that is how things should be. He is a very stubborn person and I may not be able to shift his perspective on this.

[indysteel]

Have you specifically asked him about the things you indicated that you "don't understand"? If he can't articulate rational reasons for his objections and/or can't admit there's something more to it, then perhaps you should do what Red's boyfriend did and buy the bike. Don't do it behind his back. Rather, just day that he's offered no reason for his objection that makes any sense and that while you wish you had his support, you're not going to forego the purchase. At some point, you do have to just do what's best for you with or without your partner's support. I sure hope it doesn't come to that though.

[Bethany1]

Only you know your husband.

Is he feeling like the one you got for your birthday was waste or not good enough? Guys are/can be present sensitive in a weird way.

Do you have a birthday coming up?..LOL.

Back off for now. You know how he feels even if you don't know or understand the reason why. The more you press, the more it sounds like he'll clam up. He knows you want a new bike. If you don't need it right now, just wait. It's added stress between the two of you that neither of you need.

The extreme version is just go buy the bike you want and hope things don't blow up. I don't suggest doing that though.

[eofelis]

On the other end of the spectrum, my bf and I are really bad enablers for each other about getting *more* bikes. When I expressed interest in getting my 7th bike, he was excited about building it for me (he has his own fully equipped personal bike shop in the basement).

He's in the process of getting a custom IF road bike frame, his 7th bike, and says it probably won't be the last bike he'll ever get.

[Crankin]

Ha, Eoffelis, you and your BF sound like my house...

[lph]

Indysteel made some very good points, as did many others. I grew up in a household with a lot of "anti-consumerism-attitude", and recognize some of the thinking. I think it is important to acknowledge that a new bike strictly speaking never is a need, only a want. It's because you want to have a lighter or faster or better bike, or you want to take up another style of biking. There's nothing wrong with that, but it's still all a hobby we're talking about. This comes from someone with four bikes, btw, but only one of them bought new.

I don't know how much the anticonsumerism thing is bugging your dh, but you could try a few general discussions to sound out the terrain. It won't necessarily give you hard answers (my dh just gets confused when I try stuff like this ) but it can help to arrange your thoughts. Discuss how much time you feel it's ok for either of you to spend away from the other doing your own hobby, and be as specific as you can. Discuss how you would feel if the other one has a hobby you disapprove of, for some reason. (As in, I'd be upset for environmental reasons if my dh wanted to take up motor sports.) Discuss how much money you feel it's ok for the other one to spend on his/her own things. Maybe a separate account purely for ego-stuff is a good idea. How would this use of money affect joint spending or purchases? Try discussing the difference between feeling that something is unnecessary, and expressing disapproval. Try avoiding discussing bikes in particular, because it truly isn't particularly relevant.

I agree that it sounds a little like he's reacting to you downvaluing his gift, but if only that is the case he should be receptive to you affirming, as truthfully and warmly as possible, that you loved the gift, you would never part with it for sentimental reasons, and it's helped you discover this wonderful hobby that you love. Normally a gift from several years back shouldn't have that level of importance attached to it, not unless he broke the bank to give you the gift of a lifetime. It sounds a little more as if he disapproves on a general basis, and you owe to him to try to understand why. If he can't or won't express why, or can't show how it relates to something that is important to your relationship, you're in your full right to just smile and go on with it. He can't expect you to be a mind-reader, or to adjust to his wishes no matter what. But you can't necessarily expect him to be supportive either.

[hebe]

Good luck with sorting this. It is your money, that you earned, and you are not neglecting your contribution to the family finances so personally I'd be tempted to follow Muirenn's excellent suggestion of "Honey. I've decided to get a new bike".

I'm shortly going to sell the very first bike I had, that my husband bought for me, and he has been nothing but supportive as it was a First Bike, bought for me to learn on and to see if I liked cycling (I do). Whenever I worry about spending money on bikes I consider how much I used to spend on gym membership - about the cost of 1 bike every year - and you can't even sell it on second-hand.

[Melalvai]

It seems pretty obvious that he sees the replacement of my original bike as a slam against him in some way, but I can't fathom the workings of the male mind enough to fix that.

This is an important point that most of the discussion has glossed over. His main problem isn't the expense, it's that he feels threatened in some way. I suspect that his problem is that he bought her the first bike, so her wanting to replace that is a bit like saying the bike he bought her wasn't good enough.

Let us know how it all turns out. I'm really interested now.

[lovelygamer]

Its easy to look at cycling as an expensive/excessive hobby. The average person would look at a bike at Walmart and think that is good enough! Unless you are in the sport, it really is hard to understand the expense of investing thousands of dollars.

I see this in my own life. As a new cyclist, I even reel with sticker shock on a regular basis. Not only are the bikes expensive, but so is the gear and accessories. Also, because they do sell bikes at Walmart, it's a pretty common misconception for many people.

There are many people who even though they like cycling, would never take part in it due to the cost. I know one. He cycles around town daily on a used commuter bike he's pieced together but hell never do anything more because of the costs. He always asks me about my cycling and he admires the longer distance rides but he has a tight fist on his wallet and doesn't spend money on things outside of living expenses.

My own family has disproved the money I have put out already just for commuter bike expenses EVEN though I am saving other monies on a regular basis. They can't see that savings as easily as they can see my receipt from the bike store for $200. To them, no hobby or sport is worth those kinds of costs.

I am no longer married so I don't answer to someone in the same way you do. Good luck with the issue!

[Medianox]

"How about: Honey. I've decided to get a new bike.

And leave it at that.



Okay okay.

Write him a clear non-whiney letter stating your points. Tell him you want him to understand, but you are getting a bike.

Seriously. You are an adult. You have a job. You shouldn't need permission." -Muirenn

I think that when I am ready to move on the purchase, I just might take this approach.
Currently, I am shelving the idea, for a few reasons. Number one is that I now have a goal in mind and I am going to squirrel money away for roughly a year or so (until I get close to the amount I need) and then bring it up again.
I can be very patient (something I have learned from living with the DH!) and I really think it is needed here. Number two is that I can use my current bike easily for another year without any real problems ( I just got new tires, cables and a general tune up done) and get even more experience. Never a bad thing. It won't kill me, just make me work a little harder and I'll be better for it in the end. I think a new bike bought under those circumstances will be even more meaningful. PLUS,number three reason- DH will see me get another year deeper into the activity so any lingering doubts about my seriousness will be alleviated (not that he could have had any really, but hey, if I could understand him perfectly, we wouldn't have this thread). If his problem is truly that he believes that I am devaluing his original gift, perhaps more time is needed for him to see that it is not the case at all. In fact, I would never sell my first bike and will always keep it around for winter riding, training, or throwing on the rollers in the off season. That way, I can use my newer one for rides, long distances and other situations where improved technology can make a difference.

lph, crankin, and everyone else, thank you so much for your insightful responses. Just writing this all out has really helped me see where the pitfalls are. I will keep you all updated!!!
Thanks again!