Bike Lust is straining my (human) relationship

[spokewench]

It could be that your hubby does not understand bikes and may never understand that this is a "gear" sport. My husband and I raced bikes for some 20 years (both Mountain and Road, and cyclecross); you should have seen our stable and still we have a lot of bikes even though neither of us rides that much anymore. I have never told my husband not to buy a bike nor has he said it to me, but probably because there was a mutual understanding of the concept of "gear" sport. (He did have more bikes over our racing lifetime, but I was always happy with what I had). I took up the sport after he did and he was always the one who wanted to take all our vacations on or with bikes and they usually revolved around racing. Sometimes I wanted to do other things, but much of the time, we raced and rode for years. It worked out okay.

I took up tennis about 5 years ago. I am very into tennis and play leagues, go to tournaments, etc. I am 52 now and he is 58. He does not have the bike bug anymore. He occasionally plays tennis with me or others, but is not really into competing or playing a lot.

Now, interestingly (or ironically), he gets very angry at me when I play tennis, says I do it too much, etc., etc. I think it is a control issue. He does not have a passion so wants to control mine. I make a concerted effort to set aside weekends for time with him; and also evenings for time with him. Most of the time, I play tennis during the day when he is at work and so it does not take away from our time together. He still has issues with my tennis. So, perhaps, your husband is in a time of his life where he wants to control your actions because he is lacking in something in his life. That is the way I feel about my husband's behavior. I think he is bored and needs something more in this life besides the fact that he really does have some part of his personality that likes to control others. (this is not new!)

Anyway, I continue to compromise and he continues to grumble. So far, we work it out without too much undue stress!

[Anelia]

And for over a year my husband has been trying to convince me that I need a new laptop. My old one is falling into pieces but I resist buying another one until this one stops working.
I know he has a dream about a full suspension bike but he is not going to get it as long as he doesn't ride as much. He rides only about 100 km per month, including commuting so it's not worth spending $ 2+ k on a new bike. He rides now my old bike which is not bad at all (Rock Shox Tora 302 fork, Sram 7 derailleur, Juicy 5 brakes).

[Crankin]

I don't know if it's a control issue. There's a lot of factors involved. It sounds more like not understanding the whole deal about cycling, equipment, and all the accompanying stuff, as well as some jealousy. Truthfully, I would be pissed if my DH, suddenly wanted to spend a lot of time away from me, doing some "hobby." I know, this sounds weird, but we spend just about all of our free time together, well, cycling, and doing other sports, as well as a lot of socializing with friends, eating out, etc. We both have intense jobs and I am happy to spend my time with my DH, ride our bikes, and do other cool stuff. Some people think we are "weird," but I really have no desire to spend time going off with my friends or work colleagues. I do go out to lunch and other stuff with women friends occasionally, and i ride with a few people, but generally, I am happy to be with him. Our finances are joint and we basically have the attitude of unless it's a major purchase, we each buy what we want. Of course we are at the stage of life that we can afford to do this. Sure, some of DH's home or electronic things are kind of dumb in my mind, and I don't use half the stuff in my house, but it makes him happy.
If money isn't an issue, then I would try to dig deeper, to see what the issue is. You may need some brief couples counseling to solve this, as it's really not about cycling, and it will bubble up again.

[ny biker]

Well I'm not married and I'm not a therapist and I don't know either of you, but here are a few things I'm noticing.

You keep cars/trucks for a long time. Your husband might see your bike the same way as a car -- it still works, it gets you where you want to go, so you don't need a new one. I have some family members who are like this -- they keep things forever, fix them when they break instead of replacing them, don't see the point of getting something new just because it's considered "better technology," because the old thing still works fine.

I think PCs are in a different category from bikes -- if you don't upgrade or replace them, after not too many years they fail to work well for you. You need more RAM, more memory, a new operating system, USB ports instead of disc drives, etc. Otherwise you can't install the new software you want to buy or it takes forever to download anything from the internet or there are security issues because the old operating system is not supported anymore.

But a bike can still be ridden, unless something physically breaks on it. And if you're not the one riding it for hours on end, you might not understand why it's worth a couple of thousand dollars to replace a bike with something lighter or better fitting or with components that work more reliably.

[Medianox]

Thanks again for all your thoughtful replies.

A little more background is needed maybe to place some things in perspective.
I am by nature, not a very social person. I like doing things on my own, solo, and not in large groups. My DH is a quiet guy, but is far more social than I am. As with most couples who are together a long time, we have certain understandings. He has a large group of male friends that he gets together with a couple of times a year. They are all involved with sports and they use these weekends to catch up and bond. This involves traveling because they all live in different parts of the state. As we have 2 not yet teenage children, I stay home and tend to them. I do not ever refuse him these weekends as he has a great deal of job stress and it helps him balance everything in his life.
I, on the other hand, am quiet and pretty shy. I go to my work (also a stressful job) and come home. I take the boys to school and pick them up. I do not travel much on my own and dislike driving (the main reason I kept my car for so long-it simply did not matter to me what I drove or how it looked-all it did was get me to work). Most of my friends live nearby. Biking is a major part of my life, I love it and am serious about it. It is my main outdoor activity, besides walking or hiking.
My DH fully supports my cycling as he sees it as a healthy way for me to de-stress, exercise and get out of the house on a regular basis. I am in very good shape and am not overweight. I eat a balanced diet, rarely drink and do not smoke. That is what confuses me about the "not ever getting another bike" thing. He even says that he knows that cycling has been a highly positive force in my life, so I don't understand why wouldn't he want me to be happy doing it with good solid gear that helps me participate in the activity that I love. I understand very well about the whole "upgrading the PC" thing and yes, after a time you reach a point where older equipment doesn't keep pace with the newer software, games, etc. so you do need to improve your hardware. I am not asking him to buy me new bike, just as I did not ask him for money to buy my commuter, just as he used his own money to get the parts for his PC. If a new bike is purchased, it will be done by me with my own funds. I see it as a fairly simple matter of outgrowing my equipment and moving on to something that is more comfortable and efficient. I don't get upset when he travels with his friends, upgrades his pc, or anything like that so I do have a problem with his attitude when I mention getting a new bike.
It is not critical that I get a one immediately, the one I have is functional and I can certainly make do with it and keep saving money on the side. While I can use the one I have, I feel that I should not really have to justify my desire to trade up to a new bike to him in this regard. It is not a case of "status" or simply wanting something new for the sake of spending money. That is what is bugging me the most. He simpy cuts me off in the discussion when I bring it up. It is specifically a bike related thing because he doesn't have the same attitude when I mention anything else (yarn, art supplies, home items, clothing, etc).
Sorry for running so long.

[Irulan]

It sounds to me like you all haven't had a really clear conversation about money. Sure you may use your own money, but have you had the conversion where the decision was made about "I get to spend X amount of my own money on whatever I want and you don't get to comment on it ( and so do you)"? Are your mutual savings goals met? Is there debt in the family? Money is one the most common things that people do not communicate well about.

[Medianox]

[QUOTE=Irulan;644324]It sounds to me like you all haven't had a really clear conversation about money. Sure you may use your own money, but have you had the conversion where the decision was made about "I get to spend X amount of my own money on whatever I want and you don't get to comment on it ( and so do you)"? Are your mutual savings goals met? Is there debt in the family? Money is one the most common things that people do not communicate well about.[/QUOTE


I agree, money is a huge stumbling block in relationships, but we do openly discuss our finances and keep each other informed. We both have retirement accounts and pay all our (few) bills on time. As any couple with kids knows, saving is tough but we manage to do what we can. We do have those talks, and this is part of what baffles me so much about his approach to the whole new bike thing. I could understand it better if we DIDN'T talk about money, but we do. I think, since he bought my first bike as a present, he sees it as a rejection of his gift, which it is not. I don't understand why a guy would see it that way. I would say (if the positions were reversed), "hey, that's great that you have outgrown your first bike and want to move up to something better because you are improving" but I know he doesn't view it like that.
When he was younger, he raced motorcycles with his dad, so I know he has some familiarity with an "equipment-heavy" sport...not a totally new concept to him.
I feel guilty even reading reviews or looking at bikes online and I don't think that is how things should be. He is a very stubborn person and I may not be able to shift his perspective on this.