Bike Lust is straining my (human) relationship

[zoom-zoom]

While I don't think that approach is totally invalid, I think there are some downsides--emotionally and financially--to a tit-for-tat approach. My husband and I have resorted to it a time or two ourselves, and it always feels a bit like blackmail to me. Plus, it obscures the bigger issues that might be at play. Can we really afford this purchase is one of them. Another is, do they suppport my desires/needs/interests irrespective of their own and vice versa? I ultimately think there are better ways to approach this kind of thing that will help to build more trust in a relationship.

It is tricky, for certain. DH bought a Mukluk last Fall. I never really paid much attention to the components on it, until I started looking at 29ers (since DS has pretty much taken over my too-small mountain bike). DH made noises to the effect that I should be happy with lower-end components when we choose my bike, even though his bikes all have higher-end ones (and he has 4 bikes to my 2). While I don't think tit-for-tat is always a healthy way to go, I also think there needs to be some level of fairness when it comes to a couple who shares a hobby. One person shouldn't always be expected to settle for entry-level equipment (with the excuse that they are noobs...in my case I may be a noob, but I've clearly shown that I'm not looking at anything cycling-related with anything other than intent to continue and improve as fast as I reasonably can, which is easier on better equipment, especially in terms of keeping up with stronger/faster riders) when the other gets to go hog-wild.

[indysteel]

It is tricky, for certain. DH bought a Mukluk last Fall. I never really paid much attention to the components on it, until I started looking at 29ers (since DS has pretty much taken over my too-small mountain bike). DH made noises to the effect that I should be happy with lower-end components when we choose my bike, even though his bikes all have higher-end ones (and he has 4 bikes to my 2). While I don't think tit-for-tat is always a healthy way to go, I also think there needs to be some level of fairness when it comes to a couple who shares a hobby. One person shouldn't always be expected to settle for entry-level equipment (with the excuse that they are noobs...in my case I may be a noob, but I've clearly shown that I'm not looking at anything cycling-related with anything other than intent to continue and improve as fast as I reasonably can, which is easier on better equipment, especially in terms of keeping up with stronger/faster riders) when the other gets to go hog-wild.

Oh, I absolutely agree with that, but I think that issue is a bit different from the "you got what you wanted, so I should get what I want" type of argument/concession.

In the end, I'd rather support my spouse, and be supported in return, because we love and trust one another and want each other to be fulfilled within the confines of our budget and other goals and interests. I don't want to support their desire for (fill in the blank) just so that I can turn around six months later and lobby for what I want. IMO, there are often more constructive ways to come to these decisions.

[redrhodie]

OP, I was your husband. I was really against it when my dbf bought his bike. I look back at the person I was then with regret. I wish I had supported him at the time. But, he got it without my approval, and I got over it. I'm really glad he put himself first, because I didn't, and he deserved it.

[Blueberry]

OP, I was your husband. I was really against it when my dbf bought his bike. I look back at the person I was then with regret. I wish I had supported him at the time. But, he got it without my approval, and I got over it. I'm really glad he put himself first, because I didn't, and he deserved it.

It's a rare person who can admit that, I think. Kudos to you - and look now - you're one of the ones lots of us look up to!

[indysteel]

it's a rare person who can admit that, i think. Kudos to you - and look now - you're one of the ones lots of us look up to!

+1.

[Veronica]

I am so lucky - Thom is happy to take my castoff equipment. He was joking about it on our tour with all the other men. (I was the only chick!) I need 1 new tire, I get a matching new set and he gets the still serviceable old one to use on his bike. Of course I think he planned my double wheel upgrade just so he could get better wheels for himself. "Oh honey, these new wheels are even faster than the ones we just got. I'll just take these for myself."

Seriously, I am very fortunate in my choice of a mate.

Veronica

[spokewench]

It could be that your hubby does not understand bikes and may never understand that this is a "gear" sport. My husband and I raced bikes for some 20 years (both Mountain and Road, and cyclecross); you should have seen our stable and still we have a lot of bikes even though neither of us rides that much anymore. I have never told my husband not to buy a bike nor has he said it to me, but probably because there was a mutual understanding of the concept of "gear" sport. (He did have more bikes over our racing lifetime, but I was always happy with what I had). I took up the sport after he did and he was always the one who wanted to take all our vacations on or with bikes and they usually revolved around racing. Sometimes I wanted to do other things, but much of the time, we raced and rode for years. It worked out okay.

I took up tennis about 5 years ago. I am very into tennis and play leagues, go to tournaments, etc. I am 52 now and he is 58. He does not have the bike bug anymore. He occasionally plays tennis with me or others, but is not really into competing or playing a lot.

Now, interestingly (or ironically), he gets very angry at me when I play tennis, says I do it too much, etc., etc. I think it is a control issue. He does not have a passion so wants to control mine. I make a concerted effort to set aside weekends for time with him; and also evenings for time with him. Most of the time, I play tennis during the day when he is at work and so it does not take away from our time together. He still has issues with my tennis. So, perhaps, your husband is in a time of his life where he wants to control your actions because he is lacking in something in his life. That is the way I feel about my husband's behavior. I think he is bored and needs something more in this life besides the fact that he really does have some part of his personality that likes to control others. (this is not new!)

Anyway, I continue to compromise and he continues to grumble. So far, we work it out without too much undue stress!

[Anelia]

And for over a year my husband has been trying to convince me that I need a new laptop. My old one is falling into pieces but I resist buying another one until this one stops working.
I know he has a dream about a full suspension bike but he is not going to get it as long as he doesn't ride as much. He rides only about 100 km per month, including commuting so it's not worth spending $ 2+ k on a new bike. He rides now my old bike which is not bad at all (Rock Shox Tora 302 fork, Sram 7 derailleur, Juicy 5 brakes).

[limewave]

Odd progression . . .

Zoom-Zoom, I had a weird opposite thing happen with DH. He bought me my first mntn bike--a nice one. With high-end components, full-suspension. He wanted me to enjoy mountain biking. He thought having a comfortable ride with smooth shifting would help. He also wanted me to have components that would hold-up while I learned to shift and brake properly.

Then when I got into it more he said I could get by with lower components because blah, blah, blah (I don't really remember his reasoning). I agreed 'cause we couldn't afford "high-end" anyways. At the same time he was looking at new road bike and wouldn't consider anything that wasn't carbon frame with Dura-Ace.

A few years later . . . DH is VERY supportive of me getting high-end bike with bike components. Why? Because we decided on equal budgets for new bikes on alternating years. If he can convince me (the saver) to spend more money on a bike, then he can get away with a nicer bike! And here I thought he was being supportive and encouraging . . .

[shootingstar]

I hope you sort this one out and that he understands his gift helped you to go "further". Do you plan to cycle that bike after getting 2nd bike?

Buried in all this, is your capacity because you have a larger salary, to buy a 2nd bike, etc.

I did get my folding bike as a gift and am only able to bike it when at 2nd home and for longer touring rides. But he knows and would agree that where I work commute, it would be tough on the bike weather-wise. (and I'm also afraid it looks more desirable to steal...). I genuinely express my delight every time I do bike my gift because it is more nimble and a lighter bike than my daily use bike for commuting, everything else. This bike, his gift rides and feels like a wonderful "treat" to me.

His gift bike..bought 3 years ago has served and continues to serve me well. We've been biking together for past 20 yrs. I have 3 other bikes which I bought myself.

He complains mildly about my pile of brand new art supplies but knows how complicated it has been to split my stuff between 2 locations. And he knows he gets the gifts etc., from me...my art.

[indysteel]

I've resisted some things my husband has wanted in the few years we've been together. I often felt justified--and still do--because he would overstate his case in an effort to get what he wanted. And by overstating his case, I grew distrustful of his definition of need versus want. This was especially true when we were first buying our house together and had expenses out the wazhoo. It took some time and some discussions to get to a place where he resisted the impulse to overstate his case and for me to get past my impulse to just say "no."