Bike Lust is straining my (human) relationship

[Cynedra]

We Americans do consume to much stuff but that is a completely topic because this is BIKES we are talking about.

I'm curious as to how often OP and spouse buy new vehicles. Maybe that can be brought into the discussion especially if it is every few years. My DH didn't understand the whole bike lust thing until he finally tried out a bike that was sized appropriately for him. Now, I think if our finances permitted it, he would be looking for another one (and we just got the new ones in March).

Good luck and I hope you overcome these difficulties with DH. Does he have any hobbies that he has more than one thing for?

[Trek420]

You have a commuter which actually saves you money. I've read somewhere, perhaps LAB that the average person saves roughly 3k a year by going car free or even car-light depending on car you drive and MPG. Every time you ride is a savings or investment. What you do with that is something to discuss.

I'd think of cycling as an investment in your health. He does want you to last a long time, right?

[Blueberry]

I agree with those who have said that this is really more of an issue with your relationship than the bike.

I am so thankful to have a DH who shares my passion, and is quite indulgent in all things hobby related.

[zoom-zoom]

I am so thankful to have a DH who shares my passion, and is quite indulgent in all things hobby related.

Mine has to be...frequently he will groan when I get a bad case of bike lust, but I point out that he only has himself to blame and he'll invariably chuckle. Last night when we were talking about the 29er that I'm drooling over while on a mountain bike ride with friends and their kids (including limewave) he grinned and said "I'm loving every minute of it, really." We've both joked that we should set up a way to do direct deposit to our LBS--actually, it's not even much of a joke. If we could do it, we probably would.

It would be one thing if a person's chosen hobby were unhealthy in some way, but when your love is something that is so good for you and good for the planet, then the criticism from your spouse seems like it's not about the bike or cycling at all. My guess is it's about your time away...but there's nothing stopping him from joining you. If he doesn't want to ride, then that's his issue. He shouldn't hold you back, just because he doesn't have interest in it. Unless you're sacrificing all couple time for your bike, it sounds like he's being petty.

[Blueberry]

It would be one thing if a person's chosen hobby were unhealthy in some way, but when your love is something that is so good for you and good for the planet, then the criticism from your spouse seems like it's not about the bike or cycling at all.

Mine groans more about my knitting yarn stash than the bikes, but it's all good natured. The only only serious grumbling I get is when I've missed a workout and "find" time to knit at night (which is my way of de-stressing). I do know him well enough to know that that really is him worrying about me, and wanting me to be healthy (I need to lose weight, and I am certainly not perfect about getting in workouts). It's all good in my house.

[Medianox]

Thanks for all the thoughtful replies.

I agree that mostly we Americans spend too much money in general. In my life-I am 50 years old, btw-I have owned exactly ONE car. I kept it for 16 years, and donated it to a charity last summer. As a family we currently have a small SUV for hauling kids, bikes and camping stuff, and an old mini pickup that my DH uses for commuting. I am in general, a fairly frugal person, preferring thrift stores to department stores, and I do not often toss money around lightly. =)

My DH is a computer geek. Very recently, he decided he needed an upgrade to his PC (which was about 5 years old) and after some discussion and my input on the matter he decided to build his own. He sourced out the parts and was able to build a top notch machine for about $1000.00 less than a comparable off the shelf model. I agreed with his doing this in part because he very rarely treats himself to anything nice and I thought it would help him see my point about a new bike.

It didn't. He is just stubborn on the fact that he doesn't think I should ever need a new or different bike.
As far as finances go, we pay a share of the mortgage and bills then are pretty free to do whatever with the leftovers (save, buy things for the kids, house, etc). I make more money than he does and we have separate accounts. Trips and large purchases are discussed openly, options evaluated and a decision is made.
I am certainly willing to wait another year or so for a new bike, I'm itching to try a nicer one but it doesn't rule my life. Putting more miles on the one I have can't hurt anything, and in the end will only help my case. I know that being patient is the way to go but it is a little difficult where bikes are concerned! =) There are some really nice ones out there!
Thanks all for your input.

[Medianox]

Indysteel-
I think you brought up some really good points. I agree he is feeling threatened by all of this in some way, just not sure of what part is setting him off.
As for getting him involved in cycling himself-we have discussed that and after the most recent event he agrees that it would be fun to do it together. He is supportive in other ways as in, watching the kids, taking my bike into the shop when needed, driving us to events, etc. He was very athletic most of his life and has played sports from grade school to some in college, and even adult leagues afterward. He has a very sports minded family (his dad was his soccer coach in HS) and both is parents played adult soccer for years. I don't see how my recent devotion to cycling and the progress I've made compare to a lifetime of being a jock (even though he has not participated in sports for about 10 years now).
My bike is an entry level road bike, mostly aluminum frame with carbon fork and a few other bits, and has lowest end components (Tiagra and Sora). It is a wee bit heavy but not badly so. The only things I have done to it are changing the original saddle and adding a computer. It was not a woman specific model. I guess you could say it is a "want" thing for now but it will be a "need" in another year or so. Conceivably, it could with a little adjustment and tinkering, fit him so we could bike together.
I agree with so many of you that it is a relationship issue, and writing this has really helped me see where some of the problems may be. At least I have an idea of what to work on, now all I need is patience!
Thanks a ton!

[zoom-zoom]

As for getting him involved in cycling himself-we have discussed that and after the most recent event he agrees that it would be fun to do it together.

I really encourage you guys to talk more about this. This is where DH and I were about 3 years ago. He's a JDRF coach and that was putting a strain on our relationship. He'd be gone at least every-other Sunday for the better part of a day, all Summer long (they'd work up to 70-80 mile rides...rides that were generally an hour away, plus an hour of socializing post-ride), in addition to him being gone several nights/week after work on his bike.

I have to admit, things got pretty ugly right before he left for one of the JDRF events. I called him on the time he spent away (leaving me alone with an 8 year old and having to schedule my workouts around his, minimal time for us to do anything as a family on weekends, etc.). He got VERY defensive. After we both cooled-off he admitted that he'd been a turd.

Not long after that we purchased a bike for me and it's really helped in a "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" fashion. We also have the tandem that DS rides on the back of, so the 3 of us can go on family rides (childcare was an issue before that, since it was impossible for DH and I to ride together without finding a babysitter). And now DS is totally gung-ho about riding, too. I am now a JDRF team member, so DH is no longer abandoning us for long training rides--DS and I are "along for the ride," too.

I still feel some bike-related tensions from time-to-time. DH turned 40 this year and is on a sort of midlife-crisis bucketlist race spree (in some ways I think it would have been easier if he'd gone out and bought a sports car, heh). He has already made noises about doing the same, next year, but I may have to sit him down and remind him that *I* turn 40 next year and would like to have my shot at doing something similar. I have sacrificed a lot of races this year because of the time constraints that his training have put on us. For instance, I am not doing any duathlons this year...last year I did 3. It's just too difficult for me to get in the workouts I need when he's been training for things like a 100 mile mountain bike race. We can't both put in training like that with a kiddo still at home (and no local grandparents or other free/cheap childcare options).

[withm]

Well I am assuming you have all your finances in order, no debt, emergency funds, retirement funds, and the issue is not the money.

In any case, a bike is more like an investment in your future. Riding a bike regularly is way cheaper than, say, a heart attack.

I can't help but wonder if this really isn't some sort of a control issue. In which case you have much deeper problems to deal with. Perhaps Crankin will chime in here.

[Crankin]

I know that I was threatened when DH started riding seriously. At first, it was something he did with DS#2. But, when DS got too good for DH to ride with except on a recovery ride for DS, he started riding with groups or alone. This coincided with the time I was burned out on the gym and gaining weight. I didn't care that DH had been perfectly willing to let me teach group fitness at all sorts of weird hours and spend half my weekends taking training for my little part time job, in addition to my full time job and having 2 young kids. I basicallyy did what I wanted!
One day I was so disgusted with myself and jealous of DH's passion for cycling, I went out and took a 5 mile very fast walk, up one of the biggest hills in my town. It was 95 degrees and I didn't have water. When I came back, DH said, "If you can do that, you can ride." on the sly, he set up his old MTV for me and ordered me some shorts and a jersey.

[limewave]

Its easy to look at cycling as an expensive/excessive hobby. The average person would look at a bike at Walmart and think that is good enough! Unless you are in the sport, it really is hard to understand the expense of investing thousands of dollars.

While coming to a compromise is a marital issue, I don't believe that its a sign of a bad marriage or even a problem. Its just one more situation where two people have two different perspectives and since you share a life (even one with separate bank accounts) a compromise needs to be found.

There is another angle to all of this, cycling is an investment in your health. DH and I don't have a lot of pricey toys either and we are often living paycheck to paycheck, but when it comes to running and biking we are willing to spend some money. It's preventative health care and saves us (hopefully) lots of medical expenses down the road!

I hope you are able to work something out and maybe even start cycling together!

[zoom-zoom]

While coming to a compromise is a marital issue, I don't believe that its a sign of a bad marriage or even a problem. Its just one more situation where two people have two different perspectives and since you share a life (even one with separate bank accounts) a compromise needs to be found.

ITA -- it's only a problem if one (or both) person(s) is unwilling to come to a sort of happy medium. I hope this is not the case for you, Medianox.

[lovelygamer]

Its easy to look at cycling as an expensive/excessive hobby. The average person would look at a bike at Walmart and think that is good enough! Unless you are in the sport, it really is hard to understand the expense of investing thousands of dollars.

I see this in my own life. As a new cyclist, I even reel with sticker shock on a regular basis. Not only are the bikes expensive, but so is the gear and accessories. Also, because they do sell bikes at Walmart, it's a pretty common misconception for many people.

There are many people who even though they like cycling, would never take part in it due to the cost. I know one. He cycles around town daily on a used commuter bike he's pieced together but hell never do anything more because of the costs. He always asks me about my cycling and he admires the longer distance rides but he has a tight fist on his wallet and doesn't spend money on things outside of living expenses.

My own family has disproved the money I have put out already just for commuter bike expenses EVEN though I am saving other monies on a regular basis. They can't see that savings as easily as they can see my receipt from the bike store for $200. To them, no hobby or sport is worth those kinds of costs.

I am no longer married so I don't answer to someone in the same way you do. Good luck with the issue!

[Anelia]

My DH is a computer geek. Very recently, he decided he needed an upgrade to his PC (which was about 5 years old) and after some discussion and my input on the matter he decided to build his own. He sourced out the parts and was able to build a top notch machine for about $1000.00 less than a comparable off the shelf model. I agreed with his doing this in part because he very rarely treats himself to anything nice and I thought it would help him see my point about a new bike.

It didn't. He is just stubborn on the fact that he doesn't think I should ever need a new or different bike.

My husband wanted badly a new computer. His old one wasn't bad at all but he is a computer geek, too. So he cleverly used the fact that I bought a new racing mtn bike last year for about $ 1,5 k so I had nothing to do but agree with him. Before he put the things this way, I totally didn't see the point of buying a new computer but after referring to my bike, I got totally to his side and sympathized. Maybe you should try to explain it firmly: "you bought a new computer even having an old one and I deserve a new bike".
Nevertheless, my husband totally objects to my getting a roadie I want a road bike very much but I decided to copromise in order to keep the family together.
Good luck and I hope you'll get a new bike soon.

[indysteel]

My husband wanted badly a new computer. His old one wasn't bad at all but he is a computer geek, too. So he cleverly used the fact that I bought a new racing mtn bike last year for about $ 1,5 k so I had nothing to do but agree with him. Before he put the things this way, I totally didn't see the point of buying a new computer but after referring to my bike, I got totally to his side and sympathized. Maybe you should try to explain it firmly: "you bought a new computer even having an old one and I deserve a new bike".
Nevertheless, my husband totally objects to my getting a roadie I want a road bike very much but I decided to copromise in order to keep the family together.
Good luck and I hope you'll get a new bike soon.

While I don't think that approach is totally invalid, I think there are some downsides--emotionally and financially--to a tit-for-tat approach. My husband and I have resorted to it a time or two ourselves, and it always feels a bit like blackmail to me. Plus, it obscures the bigger issues that might be at play. Can we really afford this purchase is one of them. Another is, do they suppport my desires/needs/interests irrespective of their own and vice versa? I ultimately think there are better ways to approach this kind of thing that will help to build more trust in a relationship.