N+1 is burning a hole in my pocket!

[redrhodie]

How did your parents manage to get out of going, and can't you do that, too? What are you afraid she will do if you don't go? Are those fears rational? She sounds like a selfish bully.

[zoom-zoom]

How did your parents manage to get out of going, and can't you do that, too? What are you afraid she will do if you don't go? Are those fears rational? She sounds like a selfish bully.

Because my folks are really broke-down poor (as is my sister's BFF, who is also not going to be in the wedding due to finances and having an infant at home). They have 1 ancient, falling apart Dodge Neon, don't own a home, barely have a pot to pee in, next-to-no retirement savings. Relative to most of my family (except my brother) we're very comfortable. But money for us is still semi-tight. We spend any "extra" cash on nice bikes, rather than taking family vacations. I'm sure my sister views us as well-off, but we just spend our money differently. Our mortgage is dirt-cheap ('cause we live in a dumb old house, rather than having gotten sucked into more house than we could afford when that was a popular thing to do), but we still live on one income, thanks to MI's especially crummy economy and my unwillingness to spend 2+ hours in my car commuting to make peanuts. We make ends meet and have a little leftover for fun, but that's it.

As far as what I fear she will do...I don't know. She has proven in the past that she will lie to paint people in a bad light. She's on FB...lord only knows what she would do with that medium. I don't think people would believe anything she could come up with, nowadays, but who knows the lengths she would go to.

Mostly I fear that she'll make things ugly within our family and will keep me from seeing my nephews, which would break my heart. I don't get to see them nearly enough because of distance, as is. Her eldest son and my son are very close and her boys are the only cousins my son has.

[indysteel]

Why talk to your mom? Talk to your sister. You'r both adults--even if you think she doesn't necessarily behave like one. If you have an issue with her decision to hold a destination wedding, she's the person to talk to, and the only person to talk to. It's not your job to convince your parents that your sister's decision is a poor one. They're adults, too, and they can come to that conclusion on their own. If you decide not to go the wedding, obviously you'll have to tell your parents why, but don't use that as an opportunity to bash your sister's decision. I just get the sense that there's some triangulation in your family dynamic based on what you've shared, and it's arguably not particularly healthy.

[redrhodie]

I understand why you feel you need to go. You can look at this as a good thing, that you're supporting her, even though it's a sacrifice for you. Maybe it will even help your relationship. But, if you don't have a positive result in the end, that may make you even more resentful, and make things worse. If only you had hindsight, because this could go either way.

[zoom-zoom]

If only you had hindsight, because this could go either way.

Exactly. And Indy's right, I need to talk to her. I have a feeling that if my brother doesn't go and I do that it will not be fun. If my brother and his GF go, then it's foreseeable that the 3 of us would find things to do that don't involve spending a ton of money on booze. If they don't go, then it's me hanging with my sister, her husband, and her other drunken friends. My idea of a good time is not babysitting a bunch of drunks on the Vegas Strip.

[indysteel]

Have you considered the possiblity that she really doesn't want her family there? For all your angst, maybe this was a calculated move on her part. It doesn't sound like you have the happiest of clans. If she does want you there, then I would really give some careful thought to what it will say and mean to her if you don't go. If you truly can't afford it, that's one thing and it's a perfectly valid reason to skip it. But I'd try to look past your other reasons for not wanting to go to see what you might preserve and/or gain by going and what you might lose if you don't.

I am generally an anti-wedding person (I eloped) and I'm estranged from my own dysfunctional siblings, but even I can admit that sometimes you suck it up for the greater good when it comes to weddings and that they are legitimately something we should ideally celebrate with friends and family. It sounds like you do love your sister and her children and genuinely like her fiancee. I have to wonder whether you'll end up regretting it if you don't go (again, assuming you can afford it).

[zoom-zoom]

Have you considered the possiblity that she really doesn't want her family there? For all your angst, maybe this was a calculated move on her part. It doesn't sound like you have the happiest of clans. If she does want you there, then I would really give some careful thought to what it will say and mean to her if you don't go. If you truly can't afford it, that's one thing and it's a perfectly valid reason to skip it. But I'd try to look past your other reasons for not wanting to go to see what you might preserve and/or gain by going and what you might lose if you don't.

I am generally an anti-wedding person (I eloped) and I'm estranged from my own dysfunctional siblings, but even I can admit that sometimes you suck it up for the greater good when it comes to weddings and that they are legitimately something we should ideally celebrate with friends and family. It sounds like you do love your sister and her children and genuinely like her fiancee. I have to wonder whether you'll end up regretting it if you don't go (again, assuming you can afford it).

This is where it becomes tricky. While we do not have a "bad" relationship, per se, we're not really close. My brother and I are definitely MUCH closer. My sister is not really fond of our mom, even after the sacrifices my parents have made and continue to make for her, so I don't think it really even upsets her that our parents are unable to go. The thing that is weird is that her best friend cannot go and that wasn't enough to give her pause. My sister has it in her head that she wants a tacky Vegas wedding, even if it means that very few of her friends and family can go. Her vision of her "perfect" wedding has overridden practicality.

I think I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. If I go I will be irritated by her likely behavior and the amount of money being spent that could be better spent on a family trip for my DH, DS and I. If I don't go I will feel like a heel, especially in light of the fact that it's possible that I am the only family member who can attend.

[indysteel]

I don't envy you this situation at all, but the more you share, the more I've of the mind that your sister may not care one way or another if you attend. And if that's the case, then don't go. And don't feel bad about it.

But, yes, do talk to her. And maybe come right out and ask whether she really wants you (or anyone else) there. You may not get a straight answer, but you might be able to read enough between the lines to figure it out.

[Desert Tortoise]

When people have destination weddings, they understand there is a good chance of not having someone important to them there at the wedding. And when someone cannot go, they are usually disappointed but do not dwell on it. Afterall, the bride and groom chose where to go, not everyone else.

For the bride and groom who feel it is really important to have certain friends and family there, they will do what they can to have it as close or centrally located as possible. It is about the union and celebrating with those they love.

[smittykitty]

Don't own your sister's problems. She is a big time USER. Let me guess, only calls family when she needs something?

Take care of your own immediate family.

What would she do if the situation was reversed? Probably wouldn't be there to support her.

Oh, and when you can't afford to take care of your own family's needs (yes, vacations and of course, bikes, are needs), then you can't afford to go either. It's ok for everyone else to decline. It's ok for you to decline.

Oh, and 8 hours away, count your blessing.

Signed,

Totally Estranged from Siblings (had to to get away from unhealthy relationships)

[Crankin]

I might try talking to her, but really, do what's best for your own mental health and family. I would get the bike and send a small gift... and perhaps suggest a casual family celebration when she gets back. I am betting she doesn't want anyone, except the people who will drink with her, to celebrate. I am another person who thinks weddings are kind of dumb to begin with, so probably not the best person to give advice here.
Of course, I have cut ties with all of my dysfunctional relatives, which includes everyone except my dad and brother.

[Bethany1]

I have a sister similar to yours, except she's so sweet she uses it to manipulate everyone around her to get them to do what she doesn't. Watch her kids, give her money, a place to live, food, rent, etc. She has 4 kids and while I know not everything that has happened to her is her fault, she refuses to take responsibility and takes advantage of those who fall into her trap. I wish we were closer, but we have such different personality and interests, it's hard to find things to talk about.

It's your sister's wedding. She chose Las Vegas, even if it's for a drunkfest. Respect that. The fact that no one can really go is her fault and no one else's. If she plays the martyr and makes everyone think you and your family are evil via social media, so be it. You can't win with those that play the martyr. Everything you say will be twisted to make you look worse. Trust me, I know first hand. Remember, it's FB..everything is drama.

Talk to her and see how she feels. Bring up the idea of having a small party when she gets home with family. Talk with your brother and see how he feels about going as well. If it ends up leaving your sister at a hotel drunk, and you two are happy to explore and have a great time, it might be worth the trip and get a bike at a later date.

If you really know this is going to be a disaster trip, give her your best wishes, a nice wedding gift and leave it with that.

[breeze]

We had a destination wedding, but invited our close family members (and paid for their trip/lodging), with a big backyard BBQ reception about a month later at home. TBH, this was partly because my brother and his wife were getting married a month after than us, and we knew that all of the out of town relatives wouldn't want to travel more than once. So we planned our backyard BBQ for the day after my brother's wedding, and all of the relatives basically got a 2-for-1 deal that year.

Anyway, point being, when you're planning a destination wedding, you know that most people won't come. We planned it that way. It sounds to me like your sister, perhaps even subconsciously, doesn't intend for any of you to be part of her wedding. Perhaps your brother and other family members will join in for some kind of "welcome home" thing where your sister can show off the Vegas pics and you can all hang out.

[zoom-zoom]

I am another person who thinks weddings are kind of dumb to begin with, so probably not the best person to give advice here.

My DH and I totally agree. We spent about $8k almost 16 years ago, which was way cheap by mid-90s standards. Half of that was on photographer and honeymoon, which is where our priorities were, but in hindsight we wish we'd taken that same money and been married by a friend outdoors, then had a BBQ reception and a really amazing, long, foreign honeymoon (I mean, aside from Canada, which never feels very foreign from MI) or put a bigger downpayment on a house. The whole dress/church thing was more for our grandparents and family than for us. But they all could have been happy with a casual wedding/reception, too.

Thanks for all the great advice, ladies. You've really given me a lot of food for thought. I need to discuss this more with my DH, since he has known my sister since she was 9 and has a very good handle on the family dynamics, but can still be reasonably objective.

[zoom-zoom]

Perhaps your brother and other family members will join in for some kind of "welcome home" thing where your sister can show off the Vegas pics and you can all hang out.

And, really, that would be ideal, since she's getting married <2 weeks before Christmas. We could always plan to combine something like that with a family Christmas get-together weekend, or something to that effect.